Have a very Merry Christmas

It's Christmas, the New Year and time to endulge some sentiment. This year has been quite a journey, from a low point to a high one, to another low and ending in some balance and hope. I've learned alot about myself this year, or rather, I've learned that I can be in control of myself and comfort myself when times get hard and life becomes a struggle. I found so much good music to enjoy. I had some interesting travels. Fell in love. Broke a heart as gently as possible. Made some peace with myself and being alone. Made some new friends. Played some music, less than before though. Started on some bigger plans. Worked some. Played some. I've yet to feel that old Christmas feeling and it's Christmas eve tomorrow. I hope it comes. I hope my family, friends and loved ones have a wonderful break from the routine. A little magic, a little spell. The world sitting still to appreciate the moment.

I'm still livin'

Funny how enduring we are, despite ourselves. Each layer shed feels like it should be the end, but we move on and on. While we have been hanging on to the past, the future has opened up and surrounded us. The present is at hand and we are not gone, just new. I wish be at terms with my temporary immortality. What is it again that we fear? Pain, suffering, loss or rejection? Have we not survived the most intense of these with flying colors? Of course we have. We're alive and well today. It's not good enough to just wallow in loss forever. I won't prescribe to that notion. No, shake off the troubles, stand up and walk on. Rise up, it's gonna be a good year. Out of the darkness! I'll tell you, I love you.

A little note about your sadness...

I was thinking about the present, the past, possibilities...about accepting pain and loss and accepting that some scars will always hurt just like some happy memories will always bring a smile. When we choose action over contemplation, we risk our safety and we take a step onto the road of uncertainty. It seems as though the difficult times are simply a numbers game. I say to myself, "You will suffer a bit, until you don't anymore." I'm accepting the pain of the future too. Accepting that these things will come and go through a lifetime of ups and downs. In that I also accept that joy is waiting too. Looking backward tells me that both are on the menu, and never in such great quantities that they don't offset each other. What amazing things I've seen, what divine bliss I've felt, the people I've shared it with...unbelievable. What suffering, what heartache, what troubles...unbearable. Yet here I am. I'm in the middle, my love is wider than wide. I am constantly renewed by hope and the enduring spirit of life itself. And now I'm waiting again. Patient. I am in the quiet center. I'm ready for what is next, I am unafraid, but cautious, careful and calculating. I accept that all things do not go how I would want them. I am ready for the time when something does go my way. Something that I cannot deny. Ready to run, but able to rest.

Alone

I suppose we all end up alone sometimes. It can be a deep and sinking feeling, not knowing what to do with yourself. I read a book or run. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and pout, but then I think of my Mom saying, "Put away that big lower lip". When that self-pity comes over me, I'm learning to go ahead and do something about it. Self-pity is the sanctuary of the weak and depressed, a place that is not worth the time or effort, or lack-there-of. This time I am alone by choice, but I won't be alone forever. Deep breath. Keep moving.

11:11 Eleven Eleven 11/11 Read Me

Yeah, I see it too. Almost every day. I have been for years. You're not alone. You wonder what's up. You look for answers on the Internet and find a few folks telling you all the secrets of the universe. You're skeptical and rational. It's probably just a deep neural track that's been firing every time elevens end up in your peripheral vision. A track that is dug deeper and deeper while you search for answers and attach more intrigue to your search for reason. But no! How odd, look at that, another chance encounter and another. Price tags and licence plates, phone numbers and addresses. Look how greedy your eyes are for it. 11:11. They stand out like bold face print for some reason. It's their shape, something about the shape. Perfect symmetry. The same thing we humans look for subconsciously in a mate. It rises out of the crowd of information as we swamp our minds in the new age of digital media. These other shapes and letters and words don't appeal quite the same. 11:11. It's beautiful in that sense. Calming. Are you a light bearer? What the heck? I'm a designer and a musician. I like Red Bull and distance running. Stupid movies and beer. I like this here planet earth and I wouldn't mind staying grounded on it. I see it more often when my emotions run high, when I'm not at my sharpest. When I'm searching for answers. It reminds me to love, to be thankful because I decided that's what I will think of when I see it. I could choose to have it remind me to check my bank account if I wanted. But there I am at a random concert and the band is named Eleven Eleven. There I went finishing up an album last year and released it on 11/11...without realizing it...ha. Over and over, I know. Why not use that as a moment of positive reflection? So are there angels in the outfield? Truthfully, I say we don't know, but there are worse things to believe in. Is it pointless, is it empty and meaningless? Sure, if that's how you want to live. You get to choose. I'm coming to terms with the idea of this life being a little bit of magic and little bit of oil changes. A few angels and a few ex-girlfriends. Maybe that's not so bad. I'm just glad to be here and I hope you are too. Hey, let's turn it into a drinking game, here's a shot on me 11:11 :)

Elephants and Rock-n-Roll

Something about her...what was it? I knew from the instant I met her that we would have a story. I didn't know it would be so tragic at the end, I didn't know it would be so amazing and adventurous. I'll never forget meeting her. I remember coming around that corner in your parent's house, and seeing you just chillin' in a hoodie and probably shaking off a hangover. I was immediately attracted. Months went by and I saw you again when my travels brought me your way, both of us involved and only able to politely exchange glances that seemed to ignite something in us. We came to life on a dark night in Oxford, OH. I held your hand, you held mine. We drank too much, we talked all night, we snuck around that house after everyone was sleeping. You came to my bed and laid with me and we gently fell asleep. Awake! You dash away and I lay puzzled with myself, happy with a connection, stressed over the enormity of the feelings that were inevitably going to overcome me. A hug, a goodbye. An email or two. What to do? You came to North Carolina and we were together again for more nights in the bars, travelling with the band, sleeping in another random bedroom together again, drinking again. Neither of us wanted to stop it. You listened, you talked. We laughed and I found myself determined to let this be, despite the hardship it invited. One more show before you had to go. I ask if I can kiss you and you say no. I accept it and play my heart out on stage. You change your mind. A text message. An elevator. Our kiss. We own the moment. And on to the reality. My marriage ends. You leave your beau. We clear the way for love. My life takes one of it biggest turns, I leave it all behind. The New Year. Hardship and bliss balance themselves. Your arms greet me so completely when we see each other over the next few months. All I need. You moved to me. We travel everywhere. I wasn't sure I wanted to live together, but I couldn't see not being near you either. The sliver enters. We make the most of our life, and you hung in with me through a number of difficulties in my life. You were my partner in my work. Warm and comforting in the worst of times. Thank you. Smothering and overly needy in the good times. I couldn't breathe when the spring peaked its head around that corner. I told you I needed space. I loved you like no other. I tried to be honest. I didn't want to lose you. Jealousy. Miscommunication. Misunderstanding. You were weak. My body shuddered. You weren't there. Lies exposed. You're leaving, there is another. Broken. The stars hang over the street and you tell me it's over. Pain, the kind only time can heal. Your sweet smile and loving embrace became something ugly and terrible. We sputter and die. I almost didn't survive, but I did, I grew ever stronger. I let these trials pass and come to understand them. True colors arise. I am whole and you are my friend even if you hurt me so. Another triumph of forgiveness and time, of love and patience. You are well on your way down a different path and I wish you well. We are forever a part of each other's story.

A certain level of confusion

It would be fair to say that I am always learning. I find strength and belief in one place and then find its downfall. I anchor to a rock and watch it crumble away. Each time it happens I find I am becoming stronger, I am becoming my own rock. How much more must I learn? I've never had a relationship go quite like this last one. So simple, honest and easy at first, and then I watched her grow so desperately afraid of losing me at every turn. She lost herself, forgot herself, negated herself and I felt alone with her. I've never had to say goodbye in such calm seas. I've never hurt someone so badly while being absolutely sure it was the right choice. The confusion sets in and yet it dries up immediately. I am fine, life is good, I am happy. The future, the present and everything in between is looking upward. I am not guilty. I was honest and made a choice that will eventually serve both of us. And now, I understand the trials that others have gone through in a new way. This is an odd time. I didn't expect to feel so very "alright" so soon, but indeed I do. I'm not even sure I need a relationship right now. I want to spend some time feeling fine. What is it to break a heart? I've had mine swiped from me a few times. It's a pain that lasts a lifetime. It's the end of a love which does not end. It's the necessary detachment of one who is going away and the murder of the other's soul. Wholeness denied. Cold and calm on the side of those who leave, hot and tumultuous on the other. Finality. So I send these meaningless apologies for your suffering out into space, never to be felt. You are on your own my dear. If it weren't for honesty, I'd be by your side and I'd keep pretending everything was blissfully okay between us. It's not and it will never be. You never knew me, I never knew you. Confused? Sure I'm confused. I loved this person deeply and truly, then suddenly felt it die and shrivel into the darkness in almost no time. Somehow, I'm alright though. My best guess is to keep moving, be happy and not take this time for granted. How much more should I complain? I thank my lucky stars I am alive and well in this world. These days are so different now. I'm home.

Doesn't Remind Me of Anything

I want to go to Japan. I want to see something I've never seen. I want to be somewhere I've never been.

It's time

Like the end of a book, I pull away from this story of pain and recovery. Someone is taking my hand and walking me to another room. This long day is done. Now tears of joy because I know I have been found again. Yes I am ready. No I will not fear. Through the door. This chance is more than just chance. I will not take it for granted. She has the keys to a new home, a place to rest, to thrive, to admire and to live again. A place to share and defend. Something simple and true. Be yourself, I'll be myself and we'll be together. Lucky ones are we till it's over, the sun has peaked through the clouds. Forever be around and around and around.

Everything ahead of us

If I had the words, they would be too many, they would not be enough. That's the feeling I'm feeling. A calm peace. How about a thank you. Something with no comparisons. If nothing else was right before, then I don't want comparisons. It's getting better. Can you see this story make sense? And now I hear something say, "You're going home.". It's coming from the place that used to howl with the empty hole of an attempt to be in control. Just let it be, just be happy. Enjoy this life and live like everyday is your first, not your last. Allow the growth and change, be strong and whole. Be simple. Treat others right. Stand by your word and don't let others down. Come back home and don't ever forget to be honest. Trust. Believe in this new life. If you've got a dream, then live it, just be sure to let love lead you. Come on home, everything is ahead of us.

Set it right

Set it off now children.

So careful

I want to be so very careful with this new thing. This new chance. It would seem I'm learning to be patient, to be wise, but it's new territory for me...and maybe that's the best part of all. Maturity and all...how strange.

Oh yeah, I'm awesome

Do you ever feel the universe speaking directly to you? That subtle reflection of your subconscious thought. The road signs that tell you exactly what you already know...or what you don't know you know, you know. Most of the time it's a little more than subtle for me. Like fucking sirens blasting in my face everywhere I turn until I just step through the door and come to life. And it's life itself that is calling me back this time. The world flipped back over to my side. About to make sense. About to say goodbye. About to say hello. Saved again. The big cycle continues and I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm the big love. I'm the giant undertow. There's nothing wrong with me, this is who I'm supposed to be. Back in the ring. Standing again. Smiling. My turn. Let me throw a punch.

Moderation?

I just don't when to shut up sometimes. I go from keeping my big mouth shut to making an ass of myself so very quickly. My brain seems to move very fast from one point to another and sometimes I miss the in-between part that may or may not contain pertinent information. Man, I'm an idiot sometimes.

Fields of gold

Digging deeper. To the root of it then. Back to the start of these heavy days. They started so much like children playing with fire, unaware of the danger and enticed by the excitement of touching real power. She was mine in no time, or rather, I was hers in no time. I was 16 years old and in love for the first time. She was 19, beautiful and dangerous. What beauty...everything about her made me weak. Magnetism. Rich and lush in the summer of freedom and adventure. It was early November of my senior year of high school when I found out she was pregnant, when I found out she had kept that from me for two months and I had to rearrange my life, my future. It took me some time to come to terms with that fact, but nevertheless I am just fine with that turn of events...without a doubt. Our son is the greatest treasure in either of our lives. When we moved to Maine in January that winter, it was my first great adventure, my first chance to be on my own and prove my worth. I did it with my head held high. I remember that trip like it was yesterday, driving across country in a pickup truck, 17 and scared, listening to music and seeing the northeast for the first time. I was in completely, we walked that line together, she and I together in love and determination. I was her man, her number one love and she was mine. We forged a life hand in hand. Then it happened. The hardest truth is that when our son was born, I was abruptly moved to second place in her life and I felt that deeply and it shook my foundation. We were married, we moved back to Idaho, another trip. I worked at a saw mill in much hardship and felt the slip from her most desperate love, to simply the father of her child. I fell into a depression and struggled to find other means of fulfilling my bleeding heart. Music came along and tried to fill the gap. I moved us to the east coast, to Virginia under the assumption of finding something more here to help with the now chronic hole in my untried heart. Instead our divide grew more disparaging. I worked more, she worked more. Deep and terrible depression came like waves of black on a endless sea. I rose from the waters tainted. Before my thought, my soul said "I will find love again, by any means necessary". Our financial stability took off, we had nice things, for a short period we started to make it work and it really felt like a good thing was happening. It probably was. But I believe we both had too much of some devil residing in us at that point. Our last sunny season turned so slowly, it was the Indian summer of our love when I started to build up my new band. When I felt so strong. When I felt the twinge of heartache again and moved on a selfish moment. When I slept with the other woman and made my mistake. When I doomed our lives together, if they hadn't been doomed all along. A few years went by after that incident, but nothing was the same. We were domestic partners with privileges. My heart turned toward still another who gave me what I needed in companionship if not in a physical sense...when she left, I was in serious trouble. We tumbled and spun farther away from each other in a terrible way. I was without a partner and I was responsible. I met someone and began the cycle again...so I took some time around another new year to make my decision. I felt the weight of the universe upon me. I felt the lies and demons within me try to take my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To face her, to face all those demons, to face the lies. To be honest. It would have been easier to end myself. When I rose up to meet the truth, I saw them leave me, the shadows of the liar, when I cast them out. They are not welcome with me. I remember collapsing. I remember barely being able to breath. I remember feeling so very sorry for causing her pain. I remember feeling so very hurt. Maybe we were just too young and untried in life to take on such a huge struggle. We didn't mean to hurt anyone. The love I have for her is like a tattoo on my life, a permanence that will always shape my world, but it belongs to a distant past and different time. If apologies could make up for the sorrow, I would say I'm sorry, because I am. I hope in time we all find ourselves forgiven.

The best of you

They took from me, I gave to them all these pieces of me. I left pieces in places that I forgot. I find large parts that were abandoned by those who came and went. I demand the pieces that were stolen by force. I am back together. I'm putting them back in use. I am whole. I am complete today and I am taking my faith back, my complete heart, my complete soul. It's all mine and I have no reason to be sad anymore. My trust is my own. Some doors are locked and shut for all time. I am become something new. I have places to go and a new life to start. Enough time in this recoiled posisition! I'm breaking loose. I choose life. I refuse to give in. I refuse. Time to fucking move on.

A.R.K.

I found out today that you're a momma. It's wonderful...seriously, I am happy for you in all the good ways a person should be. I'm sure you'll be great at it, really great. Love's like that, over time it allows all things to be a blessing and I'm sure your little family is a good thing and I wish you nothing but the best. The other day, you popped into my head...a place you used to to occupy like an invading force, but it's been a while since those days. I thought, "I hope you're doing good. Miss you.". The story replayed again, like an old movie you used to watch all the time and then you watch it again for the first time in a long time...I guess I was young and dumb or full of myself when I met you. I remember your hair and your welcoming presence. I wanted you immediately, but I patiently waited years to have even a little bit of you. I remember asking you to come have lunch with me and how we just sort of started to always have lunch together. I remember laughing with you, sending IMs and working on projects with you. We spent some good times together in those days, even if they were confined to work for the most part. You were taking more and more space in my heart and I suppose I was doing the same in yours. I remember looking at you one day and something inside said "Oh no! I'm in love with her!" and that changed everything in my life. Too late. Fuck it, I'm glad. I remember 9:11. I guess I could have kept it to myself, but you would have got it out of me eventually anyway. I wasn't scared of being honest with you and I wear my emotion right on my sleeve anyway. So we were in love, and there was no way we could be. I had a family, you had a life, we didn't have a chance without disrupting too many lives and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. Too late. You moved on and on in your outside life. I felt caged and grew more anxious and desperate to find a solution. When you left for 6 months, met your new man and put me 3000 miles behind you, I stayed strong and supported your forward moving life. Inside I was a constant martyr for your love. These are the days that would turn in my head for many days. Where I could have been different. When you came back, it wasn't long before we picked up like before, friends that can't be in love. I remember when you told me you were engaged. I remember trying to smile for you. Broken. Your great exodus was planned...and so was mine. Fucking London. Fucking ambition. When you announced you were quitting, moving, leaving forever, you could have just hit me with a baseball bat, but I said "Congratulations!". If our story ended there, I might have never had done all the things I did, leaving my job, touring, then I learned about myself, found new love, lost it, broke into a thousand pieces and slowly picked them up and did it all again. I might have just huddled up in the corner and lived out my life without testing anything. But you came to our show after you quit, before you left town. You were so very beautiful and perfect that night. The years, the love, all that which could not be - just exploded in our passionate and unavoidable secret kiss in the dark. All our regrets and repression tried to make up for the pain they caused in a flood of emotion. A moment for a lifetime. Love. One week. One week and we spent every moment we could together. One week and you were leaving. One week and I was leaving. It's all we had. I remember you showed up in my favorite Superman T-shirt on that Friday. I remember you weren't supposed to be there. I remember sneaking off with you before the show. I remember walking outside at the end of the night and holding you, kissing you and saying goodbye. That was last time I would ever see you. It was too much to handle. I remember crying once I was home and everyone was gone. Crying till I convulsed on the floor and crawled outside. Crying till I threw up in the street and I was finding ways to hurt myself to displace the pain. I remember thinking I had never felt pain like this. I think I held onto that pain for too long. I think the lingering phone calls and emails after you left were just a reminder of what I lost and I was an addict. You were my love and you were gone forever. A year later I still thought of you regularly and you know, I found someone to talk to about all that, I started to fall for her. Not long after that I decided to leave my marriage. I decided to never lie to myself about my feelings again, I will never live a lie again. I fell in love again, I moved on, I healed and started a new story. I left my job. I played music for a living. My fear left me and I just went for all things that would keep me from feeling like I didn't give my life a real shot. You gave me that babes, you did. It was a hard lesson and a tough time for both of us, but I don't regret a moment of knowing you and the times we had, I wish you the very best in life and I will always love you.

fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....fuck

Heaven and Hell

There are countless Heavens and Hells in countless religions. There's my thought. There's reality. There's that which we believe, that which we can prove and that which we refuse & reject. Where would I stay forever in perfect harmony? In her arms and lost in her eyes? On a stage in perfect song? As a child, safe and sheltered? In the desert, high on survival? On top of a mountain, silent for all time? Have I not dragged anchor on Hell's lake of fire? Have I not gone numb? Did the flesh not tear away and leave only ash and bone? Did the cold, dark hand of death not open the door and invite me in? What do I know of these places, or feelings? Of change, decline and growth? What do you know? When we are stripped of our heaven and set back to our hell, we must start the long walk back. No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead. All I know is that I need to keep walking or rather, that I will keep walking through all the time given to me. Back to heaven for all time.

The stone

It was her eyes that struck me, her toes and beautiful smile. At first I didn't even think too hard about her, just a nice person. Hello, nice to meet you. We played some guitar and talked about music. I was freshly wounded...wounded badly and tugging at sanity. Then she eased into my life and I was instantly healed like some wonderful magic had reached into my broken soul and instantly made it all better. I scared her with my appreciation, it was as if I had been given the most incredible gift but she didn't mean to or didn't realize how trans formative it was for me. My art soared, my passion soared, my hope was off and running wide open and so very happy. New ideas, new attitude, new approach...yes, I wanted this, I was living this. Love. Deep and desperate. Dripping with the weight of thousand lifetimes. Profound...on my side. Too much for her. Too intense. I try to hold my feelings at bay, but it was like holding back the ocean from the beach. She takes two steps back, one forward, and back again. She leaves for her home far away and I let her go...but we linger, we talk, we keep it alive, she takes a step closer. I go to visit and I am met with bliss. My heart, her eyes, finally. I wanted to feel like this forever...coma therapy. Completion of the universal need. And just then she dissolved under the weight of it all and said it wouldn't work. My painting changed. Down goes the ship. Another ride into the pit. The debilitating crash of my soul was at hand. Lower and harder than ever before. Big and terrible. I arrive home and awake to very real thoughts of suicide. I hide from the world. I cried for days without speaking to anyone. I didn't eat, I drank. I threw up and drank more and cried more. I was utterly alone and left my heart, my soul, and nearly my very life out on that road. Death was at my door asking to come in. The only thing I could motivate myself to do was to write music and record it. So for two weeks, I sat in my studio alone and wrote music and lyrics. I created an album worth of music out of the shear need to find a distraction from my pain. See if I care. I fell as far from love as a person can and spent months in the recovery room. I am permanantly changed from that experience, molded by the forging of some overwhelming new reality or broken down into a new form that behaves differently. I'm the one who survived and everyday I am aware of just how much stronger and wiser I am because of it. I am both more a defender of love and a defender of my own sanity. I am a believer, a survivor and the person you want on your side thanks to the stone set in my heart.

The art of conversation

Where did it go? Our ability to speak to each other, or carry on a real conversation. To face our daily truth. So often it seems there are those who just can't actually say what they mean, as if they are afraid of their own words. How many times do I see them run and hide from my candid approach to all things. Again fear comes along and shuts the mouths that could be honest, that could be helpful or hopeful. Fear is the opposite of love and must not be given any mercy. It must be squashed completely. It's a terrible thing to live in fear, it will hold you from the blessings that this life has to offer. You will hurt others with your fear, guaranteed. Our fear of being hurt by each other is the last great hurdle. It goes beyond our fear of physical pain or even death. The fear of emotional pain is our great brick wall, the one place we get completely turned around and trapped if we are not careful. We have to shake off that kind of trouble. We have to get up, get back, get moving on. Live again. Try again. Don't give up. Don't let it beat you. NO! Don't let it hurt you anymore. Get right back up on that horse. Get over this latest breakdown or breakthrough and be unafraid. It starts with a conversation, a real one.

How to save the world

You cannot save the world. You can only do your part to fight for what's right and in the end, it's only to save yourself. To save yourself from slipping across the line and becoming a part of the system that destroys in self-serving madness. You have to fight to stay on side of love, of truth and honesty. On the side of positive change for the planet, to end suffering, to stop hate, to shake others free from thier stand-still. You have to fight just to keep on the side of good. You have to be ever vigilant and always ready to do the right thing. Love, love, love. We don't say it nearly enough. The world is going around and nobody is forcing you to do anything about it, but if you just take the ride then you are fading further and further away from your very soul. Hang on for your life, I'll be by your side.

Dilemma! At the Disco.

Everybody run.

Time and time again

It's been a real real, real real, real real long time coming...but I'm seeing my time coming 'round the bend. That long train whistle is singing in my ears and it's saying stand up and get ready for another ride. Take a deep breath, shake off these blues, rub your eyes and stretch those bones. It's early early early on a warm summer morning. Time to go. No need to say a word.

Anesthesia please

Addicts are we. All of us. I find none immune. It's in our very nature to quell the rise of our spirits with the opiate of our choice. And there lies the most important choice we can make. What will you use to fill the void of an enduring life? The options are plenty. Some are bare faced and troublesome...drugs and alcohol. Some lie behind a heavy curtain, dark obsessions and the like. Some are healthy for the body and mind, exercise and study. Some are social, religion and politics, work and education. What a spectrum to explore, our activities. How do we keep them from becoming obsessions? Must we always maintain balance or is the occasional obsession a chance to become an expert in one area or another? Shall we learn to strip away all of these needs and isolate the soul from any influence? Yes, we must be obsessive, we must be quiet, we must be balanced and well rounded. This is our chance to know life from many perspectives, to know the joy and satisfaction of intense study and interaction in a field, to know the beauty, clarity and completeness of a moment without influence. Our dreams and hopes are just pretty pictures that live and die at our finger tips. Actions are the tilled soil of a plan in motion. And what a crop to be harvested if we continue our action. Our own action is the reward or punishment we are ever creating for ourselves. Passion is our commuter lane in the traffic jam of life, our double shot of espresso on the Monday morning of our discontent. A dangerous and wonderful propellant that is both right and riddled with the pitfalls of excess. Shall we not embrace it? Or should we ignore it? The very meaning to our lives is attached to it, but it pulls and rips at our self-control. It launches our pride into the stratosphere if we let it, sometimes we need that, sometimes it destroys us and causes us to fall. Nevertheless, our lives are empty without it. So we need a check valve, a way to control the flow. We need to keep ourselves in check and seek honesty and reality. We must be humble and full of passion and in this way we are whole and balanced.

News news news

It's interesting to me that the world continues to produce the same news over and over again. At first it seems that we are so completely removed from these happenings around the globe. News events to a child's eyes is like a distant story being told, unless of course, the event is happening directly to you and you are actively involved or a part of the story. Then we grow up and slowly start to feel like we are a part of some connected society. We get all wrapped around the axle of these still distant stories. Some can't get enough of their celebrity updates. Some dig their heels into domestic policy. Others take a global look at the environment. Some view the world through their religion's filter. We become adults, strong in character, able to effect change, we raise our voices in the name of our opinion. We take sides...miles from the front lines. We wage war on straw men in office buildings, in Internet news responses, we rein supreme in our ideals. Still the world puts out the same and we remain ineffective. Change comes slow, where the idealistic beliefs of the last generation slowly fade away and are replaced with pragmatic response to survival with the overtones of the high and mighty hopes and dreams for future generations. Only now in this global community we might hope to align those dreams, we might hope to come to our understanding of each other. Would we spend a lifetime in a futile attempt to drive the world to see our point of view? Would this be a life worth living? Would our effort be justified or rewarded? It's that slow change we must support. So odd that the rubber meets the road in social change only in ideas, in attitude, in thought over a very long period of time. So how do we teach the next generation? How should they view the world, the same old news of the day? What opinions need to be extinguished? What new ones need to be adopted? Then the action comes naturally and without resistance. Certainly I was raised to be polite to everyone, to not litter, to exercise...just ideas about living better in the world, ideas that didn't always exist but now are considered the norm in modern society...or almost. Sidebar: I'm really shocked at the fact that I still witness people littering, it's such a basic idea to put trash in a trash can. How hard is that? I'm not even talking about recycling, but simply getting that non-biodegradable Cheese-it wrapper into a proper receptacle. I've seen people drop these things right in plain sight over and again where I live. If we teach the children anything, let's keep teaching them to not do that. Anyway, I'm wondering how long it will be until we don't get so worked up over the news, when we learn to react with patience, wisdom and appropriate action instead of momentary passionate spouting of opinion. When will stop churning up more of the same things. I'm curious about our new ideas, our new directions and lessons.

Salvation Mountain

The idea hit me the other day. I had been planning a trip to southern California for some time and I started thinking about what I'd really like to do while I was there. The classics, Disneyland, Sea World, Hollywood, Sunset Strip, etc. held little interest for me at this point in my life. I did however realize that I wasn't going to be terribly far from Salvation Mountain, a place that I'd heard about before and read about in 'Into the Wild'. So I planned a side trip out to the desert. I headed east out the lovely beach town in the heart of the OC and made my way out on I-10 toward the Salton Sea. Not 2 and a half hours from Los Angeles lies Niland, CA, a small desert town on a small two lane highway to nowhere. Just off that road, towards the mountains a few miles you will find an interesting place and an interesting person. I often speak about how noticeably friendlier people are in the west vs. the east. Leonard Knight, the creator of Salvation Mountain, is a shinning example of that genuine attitude and truly a person who is filled with love. I arrived and after spending a good while exploring his creation along with a number of other tourists, I trotted off into the desert to check out the art on the nearby abandoned Air Force water tanks. They have since become canvasses for resident artists of the nearby Slab City, a campsite for all sorts of transients, travellers and the like. I made my way back to the mountain, and noticed everyone had left, but as I walked around the far southern part of the area I stumbled upon the man himself. He greeted me joyfully and immediately began to show me around. He was excited to show me exactly how he built everything and share his story. He is definitely the genuine article and I couldn't help but feel like the experience helped me to find some faith in people again. I left feeling better than I expected and I was certain glad to have made the trip. So I say, go see Leonard, he's there right now working on his project and excited to share it with you.

Depression, love addiction and breaking through

Wounds. The emotional ones are the hardest to understand. We can't just look at the injury, test the progress and declare it healed. Like waves, the emotions come and go, rise and fall, ease and surge again. Depression has been a part of my life, like so many others, and it's a tough road when it's at it's worst. I know. I know. But I've beat it before and I am beating it again. It takes time to pull out of and more importantly, it takes an acknowledgement of its existence. It's a real affliction, but it's not impossible to overcome it...and you don't need a psychologist or drugs to do it. I'm not going to claim that those methods don't work, but I am certainly a proponent of helping yourself, building your own foundation, and finding your own path and balance. It's like the old saying, "If you want something done right, do it yourself". I find being creative in any manner is such a healthy way for me to start the process of recovery, but moving to more rational means and purpose driven, positive thought is also absolutely necessary. By facing the truth of what it is that has troubled me enough to cause this long lasting depressive cycle, I am able to talk about it, make it less of a haunting secet trouble and more of a story and a lesson from my past. For me, there were a number of factors that brought me here. Some of which I am completely responsible for and other factors were completely beyond my control. I had a number of love relationships fail in a row, all of which influenced my mental state intensely, until I finally could not take another dramatic episode and withdrew from the idea of being with anyone until I had a grip on my emotions. I saw my business, my life's work and dream fail and lost my closest friendships. Nearly everyone who was in my life 3 years ago is no longer, save my family and one or two very close friends. I no longer had a dream, a future I cared about or a point to being around except to be a good father to my son. Soon, anything that went wrong in my life came with the weight of everything that had gone wrong, no matter how big or small. That's a lot to handle when small troubles feel like a ton of bricks landing on you, and small troubles come often in every one's life so I had to start learning to react appropriately and proportionately to the events in my life and not look at them as an ever-growing mountain of pain, but one small challenge at a time, each to be dealt with and to be moved past. Of course that combines with the inability to get excited or feel any joy over anything at all. The funniest thing is that one day I found myself laughing at something and realized I hadn't felt that in many months...simple, real laughter. Cracks in the wall. Some daylight. And the wall continues to fall. Oh, how I am excited about seeing it fall completely! Belief in a brighter future is lapping at my shore. It takes effort, but I know I can get there. Opening up. Trusting in people again. Knowing that healthy relationships do exist and that I can be a part of one and I am ready for it. I continue to learn about myself, to define myself but I am fresh and untested at this new plateau. Waves, growing stronger with each passing day. It's a long long road and I am walking hard and fast into better days.

The habit of denial

How we lie. How we lie to ourselves. Protection. Survival. And not from malice, not from a will to do ourselves wrong. At the very least we have a primal ability to ease the daggers of our worst mental pain. Easy denial in so many forms. Then like a shrinking scab, if the wound is not too deep and terrible, we can pick it away and face the truth and find that we are healed as well. We may have to own up to our part in how we hurt another, we may have to accept that the worst has happened and we must go on and be whole again. As we mature, we learn to see into ourselves better and better but we are never able to keep this natural instinct from occurring, it happens unconsciously and our best hope is that we improve at climbing back out of our safety pitfall. It's not unlike a blackout around a tragic physical accident, the brain keeps us from having to suffer the sharp edge of the incident. Our hearts get broken, our hope gets crushed, fate steers our lives into the ditch, evil people take our innocence and drive us down, circumstance keeps us at bay from our wildest dreams, loved ones are taken from us without warning. It's sad, but it's real and it happens to all of us. If we didn't have our denial, surely the suicide rate would be much higher. Our quality is shown when we climb back. It's in our struggle back to reality that we define ourselves, our character, our strength, our values. Yes, we must climb back! We must stand again! Have you not seen those poor souls that cannot find their way again? Turned and twisted in such strange ways. Scratching and clawing to change reality to suit there needs. Perpetual denial. Pride. Pride vs. truth. The truth will always win, and it should, and it's good. Be thankful for the truth. It is where the future lies, where hope is born, where you are walking in the sun. Surely we are growing, let the truth be your fuel, your food source, when you are ready it will always bring you in, support you and take you to your next adventure.

Conviction

The word is conviction. Belief and faith in yourself, in your view, your attitude. Trust in the lessons you've learned. Knowing that you are resolved and you stand tall and firm upon your foundation. The ego must be kept in check, a careful balance must be obtained and consistent vigilance must be maintained upon it's violent need to explode. A life engaged is not unlike a jet engine, propelled by the fuel of conviction, belief and faith. The flow must be controlled, balanced and directed, otherwise the combination is most dangerous and can cause much damage. Western philosophy says one should learn to focus this force within us to accomplish great goals and explore the finite details of any given subject. The Eastern philosophy is just the opposite, where one is encouraged to extinguish the fire, to let go of the flame and embrace the concept of being a part of an infinitely large existence. I think there are things to support, to believe in, to have conviction about, but they must be so very carefully embraced in order to keep from losing sight of their importance, significance, and relevance. Subjects like human rights, war, famine, and environmental concerns demand us to stand and be counted with one side or another. Most of us are relatively passive in support of or against such things, but we do so little in response beyond taking on an attitude. How can we have pride without action? How can that pride be kept in check? How can we move on an issue and be actively working toward positive change without letting that movement get out of hand and become dangerous and destructive in some other unexpected way? We can trust in love. We can ask ourselves if our conviction is in line with love and that which love would propagate. If the answer is "yes" then we must move! We must act! We must do something if we have the means. We must keep our eyes open to the big picture of our lives and our place in the world and be decisive and vigilant about our actions. If the answer is "no", then we must let it go and forget the attachment. Here is this chance, the opportunity to show our quality. Let us be of the highest quality and strongest conviction when we are tested. Let us know when to let go of those motivations that are not in line with love. Let us hone our judgement to know the difference. In all things, love should be our guide.

Anger

I am angry today. I feel myself wanting to lash out at anyone. I can't stand that I swallow it and smile when I have to interact with someone. It makes me feel like a liar. I'm stressed. It seems nothing is going quite right. It's a beautiful day and I have no one to share it with, no one to talk to about this frustration. I'm low on food, money and time. I feel the mountain of pointlessness wanting to crash down upon my sunny field. Over and again my hope is squashed. No amount of optimism, or positive thought is making a dent today. I feel like I'm giving into the idea of getting pissed off. I am angry. I am confused. I don't know what else to feel, there's no reason to feel anything else. Time is wasted, some people have treated me terribly, circumstance ruins my financial plans, my plan to enjoy the summer is a wash. I'll be working it all away just keeping up with the bills. I feel its vibration in my head, shaking me to pieces, fueling uncontrollable rage. I want to shout, to break something, to cause damage. I want to wield this emotion into a brick wall and watch it break and be crushed to dust under my strength and vengeance. I don't know where to hit, how to express this. I want to yell and scream at those who have hurt me. I want them to know how much pain I have had to endure as a result of their actions. I want them to feel this pain, so they will know, so that I don't have to bear it alone. I want to open the seal on this capped intensity and let it loose upon the world. I want to tear down the beauty built at the expense of my broken heart and soul. I want to see it destroyed and completely obliterated at my feet. I am angry. I am tired of taking punches with a grain of salt. I am tired of it. Fairness is a joke, it's the virtue of the selfish, while they take and take in their self-righteous version of a equality. I want what's fair. Fair for me. I want to be selfish. I give and give and give away my love to others and it is treated like a whore. Those who don't honor love disgust me. I am disgusted with you. I will move on from you swine, you blind and awful people. Get away from me. I only want to be around those who understand the idea of self-sacrifice. They are the only people to be with, where I feel right about giving myself away, and I want to rise up and be the best person that I can be. I want to be sustained. I want to love and to be loved. I don't want to be angry anymore. I know I can be better than that.

Been there, done that

More strange days. So odd. I am finding new people to be around and new things to try. I'm finding that while some of these experiences are new, others are so very similar to places, people and times I've already experienced, sometimes so long ago that I had forgotten about them entirely. It's not my "been there, done that" attitude this time. This is genuine, "Holy shit, how can this be happening again?!". But I am new, my point of view is different, so everything feels a like I'm getting second chance at many situations. I like to think I've grown some and am avoiding mistakes of my past this time around. I seriously have felt like I am going to see myself walk into these places, the old me and I know I'm going to be powerless to educate him or share some wisdom with him, warn him, talk some sense into him, but I want to. What a life. And I am thankful. Thankful for this life and its coincidences, its reality and its magic, for these struggles and triumphs. It's time for me to retake the castle, as it were. I do hope I am wiser than before and make better decisions this time around. That I am honest, hard-working, and worthy of the blessings of my future.

Stillness

One of the greatest gifts shown to me, is the quality of stillness. A virtue that I never considered or engaged in. Someone I care a great deal about, unconsciously set an example of this one day, a moment that continues to stir something in me. I am very thankful for the lesson. There is great wisdom in the act of stillness. In quiet. In clearing the mind and accepting your part in moment around you. What becomes of this is up to you. In me, I find I suddenly am comfortable with the place I find myself, emotionally, physically. I am exactly where I need to be. When I do begin to consider anything, it's usually a question of "What am I?" or "How is it that I am here?". With the answer leaving like a dream that you can't hold on to, an expression comes over me, "I am so lucky to be here experiencing life," and "There's no time to waste!". But there is time to be still, that time is not wasted at all, in fact it holds some of the most potent beauty and contentment that I know of.

I must be getting thick skinned

Again I suffer ill treatment and disappointment at the hands of others, but I feel nothing. I'm not angry or terribly upset. At best, I'm a bit confused over the actions of some people. Neither am I overly joyous or happy, just blank today and in need of a miracle to snap me out of it. I ran far this weekend and did it with no trouble, in fact, I ran further and faster than I ever have. Maybe that helped me level out my emotions. Single life is so much of a roller coaster, it's intensity must be dealt with in a firm manner. I must be getting better at letting the water roll off my back, because I am surprised at my lack of sadness over watching another romantic opportunity turn bazaar, complex and, for the moment, completely fruitless. Still, it was good to be in the company of new people and I recognize the value in it. Another continues to show me complete disregard while endlessly stroking her own ego and pining for acknowledgement of superficial achievements. I smile and nod a bit begrudgingly, but ultimately I am looking forward to being free from that situation in the near future. Maybe I'm just comfortable with my own actions and I feel justified in my well contained reaction to both situations. Vindication is a selfless and silent pride. At least I know where I stand and I know that I am being an upright, mature and caring person.

Why everyone else is an idiot

Here's my blanket philosophy on the days when I'm certain I don't give a shit: Everyone else is an idiot. You don't say what you mean. You won't do what you want to. You're a fake, plastic version of yourself that's hiding just behind the door, trying to be sure it's safe to be yourself, which of course you are convinced that it is NOT. You put others down instead of sharing the beauty that you hoard. You refuse to explore this world, new ideas, new people and cultures. Your fear makes you a terrible person to know, to be influenced by, to be around. Your walls are so high that you have no idea what type of person you are projecting on the outside. You probably wouldn't even like yourself if you met you on the street or in a bar, because you'd see the falseness of your persona. You line up to be counted with the masses and shut down your mind. It's ridiculous how many times you regurgitate an attitude that somebody else imprinted upon you and you never bothered to test it. You blame the past and the actions of others for your present actions and approach. You let them have the control and take no responsibility. You are not accountable. You don't venture anything new. You don't really believe anything and you won't really put yourself fully into anything. It's terrible. You could be so much more. So much more. You waste this beautiful potential and piss on your opportunity to be a wonderful spirit. Everyday the door is open and ready for you to rise above, but you let fear and pain rule your life. It's sad. The truth is written upon your face. I see you. I see right through you. Show me that you can be more. Show me that there's a surprise, a backbone, a life in full swing. Who among you can do this? Please show me. Who can be honest with themselves? Who can be truly free? Who can ignore themselves? Who can love? Help me to be this.

Don't I know it

I must say, I'm feeling pretty positive today in general. It's nice to know where I am, what I'm working on and where I'd like to go. It might be due to the fact that I see a few of my friends suddenly in a place where they have to start over. Some are moving, some are finishing school, some are starting new jobs, some are just coming to terms with some twist in their life. One season is done and another begins. It's like I'm sure I can relate and it makes me feel less alone in the big "reset". I wish them all well and hope they fly high in there new lives, but there is a coming struggle for them, albeit necessary. I feel like I am a day ahead of that change and it reassures me to know that I am truly moving forward and looking forward to the future, but I also have a sense of empathy that makes me want to offer comfort to anyone that begins to feel the loss of belonging. In any case, summer is pretty much here, so it's time to enjoy this weather and let the troubles roll by.

Hard to breath

It came acute and deep today. Somehow I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Then I am paralyzed. I didn't invite anything in, but it came just the same and knocked the wind out of my sails so suddenly. These emotional dips are only coming by once in a while lately. Days apart. I recognize them attacking and I bounce back quickly now. I am stronger, but human as well. Just breath and move on. Self-pity will get me nowhere, nowhere I want to travel, nothing I want to feel, no time I want to share, nothing I am looking for. I am tired of it. I am tired of letting myself be brought down by circumstances that are beyond my control. I want to turn the whole thing upside down. I want to share this love I find with everyone. Who's to say what's impossible?

The long run

One foot in front of the other. That's the idea. Sometimes we're not even aware of the strides we're making, distracted by the moment's glory. Other times, moving forward takes every last bit of resolve and concentration. When it's so very hard to find inspiration and that darkness falls, you must remember that you do not know what is around the bend, you don't know what the future holds. Take those steps, when there's nothing to live for, keep moving, keep going, you can do it! Your fate can return to your hands with time and you will learn how to build a stronger and wiser foundation through these trials. Surely we are growing, only through being tested, being broken down and rebuilding ourselves. Choose how you will be rebuilt. Yes, these hardships shall pass, even if you are stripped down to nothing but the ability to breath. Just breath. Just breath. Be patient. Find a better way to be, see what it is in your life that brings you up, what brings you down and work eliminate the latter and accentuate the positive. Find the higher qualities to aspire toward and then let time pass, be at ease. The long run will break us down, but it will also build us up stronger than before. Embrace the cycle and be at one with it. Each time we fall, we also learn and grow. Accept the fall and rise up again, dust yourself off and keep going. You can do it!

I used to play video games

I did. I used to play them all the time. I loved moving through the plots or mastering some skill and discovering the next level. Hell, I grew up on them. Then one day *poof* I just didn't want to play them anymore. I guess I was about 24 or 25 when that happened. I looked at my life and decided I was putting all this time into something that left me unfullfilled and I could really benefit from using that time in some other way. In some ways I sort miss that shallow determination to conquer combined with a nice waste of time just having fun and forgetting that life is so serious for a few hours. Nowadays I get sort of pissed off when I hear people talking nonstop around the office about the latest edition whatever the latest craze is. I find my joy in other activities and I do realize that everyone has there own way of having fun so I try not to let that overspilling of enthusiasm bother me to any large degree. I guess I'm just human in reacting the way I currently do. I grow past the games and find a different way to be, then I am in turn a bit annoyed at those who are in that place that I was so long ago. Maybe I should just play some video games and have some fun. Lighten up already. I gave them up because of how they quickly become an obsession, an addiction that's difficult to break. I like to take things to the Nth degree, it's my nature and even these games were no exception. I have to be careful with what I get involved with because it will consume my life. I hope that I can continue to use my nature for bringing about good things, less selfish things. And I must learn balance, so that I might have some good old fun too. We're all a work in progress.

Gotta wonder

I'm constantly reading news articles on-line or getting lost learning something on Wikipedia. It seems that part of my day is spent wasting away in front of a computer and I feel I better spend part of that day improving my knowledge base if I'm not doing anything else productive. And since I'm convinced that the way I live my life is probably not unlike a majority of people in the cubicle workforce, I'm wondering if we really are improving as humans. Are we getting smarter, wiser, better than a generation before. If yes, then in what ways? If no, then by God why don't we put a stop to it? Once you reach the point in your self-education where facts are no longer being gathered, but instead, opinion over the impact of certain facts becomes the impetus for growth then we are left with very little to base our own opinions upon and we get stuck in a seemingly pointless debate over...well...nothing but speculation. In other words, if everyone is fully aware of the facts of any given situation, why do we spend so much time discussing and debating its impact? Does anyone really plan to make a change in there life over any news stories they read or discovery about the world around them? Maybe so. I guess I'm talking about culture change, which takes a very long time to culminate into a visible difference. Nevertheless, these things happen. I've seen them change in my own lifetime. From ecological concerns, to human rights, to views on business and religion. In our teaching to the next generation, some of those opinions start to become facts. By gathering a number of varied opinions, I also find that both sides of an issue are often defensible. This is the split. This is where you reach your very own ethical dilemma where personal values win the day, if you have any. And where did those values come from? They come from the generation you were born into. If you or I had been born 100 years ago, our values would be completely different and we'd feel just as justified about our particular stance. So that begs the question, are the values of our generation the "right" ones, or even the "best" so far? What sociological atrocity are we committing unknowingly right now in the name of ignorance? Surely history will tell. This all just turns into a landslide where ethics have no ground to stand upon unless you have something concrete to base your values in. And guess what, you are ultimately responsible for creating your own solid foundation, otherwise you will continue to point to fallible authorities for your reference and find them faltering when they are truly tested. All this information, all these opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. Study it, know it, understand it, but form your own opinion and back it by getting involved or keep it to yourself and don't foul the waters with your uninformed attitude. And most importantly, log off, turn off the computer, the video games, the ipod, the TV, the camera, the Tivo, the Blu-ray, the cell phone and just go out into the world and be a part of it instead of hiding behind technology for your experience. Real, corporeal, human, flesh & blood experience is waiting for you right out there. There's no need to lose yourself in technology, the real world is truly a far more amazing place. There is a happy ending, you can choose a positive point of view, you have the right to be forward moving and full of joy in simply using these tools but not depending on them.

Wasting time

Leaving old dreams and goals behind and embracing change has been so very strange. There are times when I feel as though I am simply letting time pass by and I don't know what I am waiting for. I don't know exactly where I want to go. I am happy enough, but lack something essential for the first time. The doldrums, this stagnation is oppressive and relentless. I have to invent small goals to give myself purpose and motivation. I suppose we just invent bigger and bigger goals and give ourselves bigger and bigger purpose and motivation. Should I chase after money and success in a career? Should I chase after women and hedonistic pleasure? Should I run after art and culture or education or activism? I don't think any of these lesser motivations are the right ones, at least not for me. I simply want to find someone to share this life of discovery and adventure, while providing sustaining mutual emotional support. As basic as that sounds, I can't imagine anything else fulfilling me as much as that could. All other activities and motivations seem to shrink away in comparison to a simple love, even when compared to the most altruistic of endeavours. Is our need for love just selfishness in disguise? When you are completely giving of your time and resources, are you a better human than someone who finds true love and learns to live everyday with that same care? I think we need love because it roots our wild, unchecked and sometimes destructive emotions in how they will effect others. When we truly think of each other first, before ourselves, then we are improving. Love shows us and reminds us all how to do that. If we all could stay in that mindset, we could advance and make real change by simply being an example of love and living for each other, in every moment. So maybe I do know where I want to go, but I must be patient. And what then, if I get what I desire? I believe I should strive to live simply, embrace whatever joy I might be lucky enough to be a part of and seek to be giving of my time and resources.

Touch me I'm sick

I think I'm getting a bit of a cold. The grip tape has been adhered to the back of my throat. My energy level has plummeted. I guess that's alright though, it has to happen from time to time. Suddenly I can't concentrate and I'm simply looking forward to resting...doesn't that sound nice. I'm probably infecting everyone around me with my sickly germs too. It's amazing how fast these little nasties can reduce a full grown adult to a sniveling and helpless child curled up on the couch and desperate for somebody to make them some chicken noodle soup and watch over them as they take a nap. Doesn't that sound nice. I think it's making me more ill just knowing that no such remedy is in my foreseeable future. No, as a man with a cold, you simply suffer and try to ward off the symptoms by any means possible. You go to work, you try to ignore the tell tale signs of your weakness. You attempt to not compromise your schedule for the cold and all the while prolong the experience by ignoring your body's very real need to rest and recover. Yes! We are advanced human race! Science and reason be damned, I've got work to accomplish. Places to be, people to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Why can't I listen my own advice? I know I should go home and sleep the rest of this day away. Maybe I will. I need some fresh air. A walk and then I'll decide. Ooohh, I should get some Nyquil, that's always fun. Or maybe not, that stuff is too damn addicting. Maybe it's all in my head and I'm really just bored. It is time for something new to happen.

Time off for redirection

I took some time to survey this new place where I've arrived. A break from the wandering thoughts and endless pathways of my myriad of existential bullshit. I have this firm new ground to walk upon and wanted to study it and let it direct me. I am here in this new day and looking forward to whatever is next. Today is just fine. I recently discovered how very angry and fearful I have grown toward my romantic endeavors over the past few months and years. I am not alone in being hurt, but it's difficult for any of us to see past our personal suffering and not feel sorry for ourselves. Much of my mind was consumed with this pain. I know I've caused others to feel this kind of pain as well. How to reconcile? Who to be? First I caused the pain for my ex-wife through my own selfish immature attitude toward our relationship, and I believe we both suffered and caused each other much unearned suffering. Coldness and death. A slow breaking heart over many years. A vow. A vow to never take the blessing of love for granted. It seems my next real relationship was the polar opposite. So warm, so close. At first this was the closest to heaven I remember feeling, but once my soul warmed up it began to sweat. I felt the smothering and asked for some room. I was still dedicated to her completely. Unfortunately she misunderstood my intentions and did some very bad things, my heart broke with a snap. I had been treated very poorly and was thrown into chaos, a train wreck. Part of me was happy to be able to breath again, but my love was dead again and I was cut to the bone. Then I happened upon something different altogether. From left field, a woman walked into my world that brought a kind of peace and calm that I had never heard of. Suddenly I was moving toward higher ground and thankful for every moment. I let my guard down, though she did not, and I fell happily alone. My very own martyrdom in the name of love. Then, as subtly as she came, she made her exit. With all of my spirit, I was empty. Detached. Depression. The long cold and dark night had come. Mistakes. Alcohol. Destruction. Pointlessness. Insanity. Desperation. Thoughts that would not leave. Pictures in my head at night. Tears. Despair. Everything but my body died. The peak of a season of pain. Then I awake and begin to move toward the light. Must keep going. You don't know what's coming around the bend. I made a few attempts at dating, but I knew I was not in the right place to take anything serious. I decided to begin running again and get healthy, to strengthen my mind and soul on my own terms. I found music again and let it work it's healing on me. Friends came along and filled me with joy and hope. My family pulled close and supported me. I begin to write from the emotion. Learn how to say "I love you", "Thank you" and "Good luck" again. I find God where he's been all along. I am so very thankful to be alive. That I get this chance to be here and experience this life. My feet touch ground for the first time in a long time. More steps toward solid ground. The ground I found on my own. The change is here and I am new once again. Then I found out how very cynical I had grown concerning women. A friend pointed out that all her single friends would tell her how attractive I was, until I start talking, then they were turned around and I realized how quickly I judge women. I label most of them in some category that I have previously been hurt by...and where that may be a seemingly wise method of personal emotional protection, it's not fair and it's not who I want to be. So I know I need to improve in this area. I need to drop the fear and protection. It's time to expose this new heart again so I might share in something wonderful. It's the next leap on the new road.

Love's like suicide

And now to throw my thoughts away. Now to action. Forget the analysis, forget the fortelling. A man here and now. I am.

Time share condo in the sky

What is best in life? Fine thought, attitude, appreciation? Wisdom, heart, hope, health? Peace, joy and love? No! These are only the dressings on that which is most sacred. Our connection with others is what enables these chariots to race. Only through sharing these things with others do we find ourselves living our best life. My one selfish wish is to continue to share all of this. Imagine a day where everyone is an open book, where we can share in the moment and have the fulfillment meant for us all.

Songwriting is like being a pirate!

Creativity is such a mysterious force. Sometimes in my life I just can't stop making shit and writing shit and saying shit. I sit with the guitar for hours and pen a thousand words. I draw or make some strange creation that serves no practical purpose, but seems to add to my experience or balance out the equation. It's sort of like creating tangible proof that...yes, my soul was here! A sort of graffiti from the other side. I suppose our ethereal side is always being trodden on by our day to day activities of mundane existence and I'm certain it's a healthy thing to let it have its way with us. What a tradgedy I see in the majority of people who deny its presence and cap off its healing. It's the very best and serves us so sweetly when we don't put any reins on it. Yes, that's it. The Divine. Art is just life, breathing, coming and going. Our creativity is a crude display of our own beauty at best. The closest we can hope to get to right, is when we just let it flow from us in the way it wishes to. Joy looks and sounds this way. Loss like that. Togetherness writes these words and reproach says this. We can be the windsock for our own emotional cleansing and understanding. To share. And though we inevitably damage it as it passes through us, we should hope to do as little as possible to disturb its need for release. Listen and let it be. Then we are in line. Then we are made strong.

Another go 'round

Back upon the road, where my feet are walking tall. Black rubber on perfect and freshly painted asphalt. Grass growing. Reset. Do over. I am clean and clear. I am starting. The first steps already taken, the direction indicated, life. The last of the snow recedes, the last of the sickness is departed. The trouble understood and forgotten. The ties loosed and given flight. I only expect to keep learning. Love is number one and I stand beside it. 11.

Just good

I just feel good. The words slow down and the warmth is coming from all around. The trouble erased by a sublime shift in my world. Thank you! Thank you all. I have this wonderful sense about things, a feeling that I can only associate with being very young when the sun filtered through the trees on a summer morning, when a day lasted a lifetime and my cares were a million miles away. This doesn't happen all the time, I will not take if for granted. A blessing. A blessing indeed. Grace. There is no darkness here. There is no pain or sorrow, no regret, no holding grudges or contempt for anyone or anything. Forgiveness and devine inspiration to be joyous for this beautiful moment in time. Let this light surround me now, and let me honor it.

By the authority vested in me...

What you can and cannot do is no more or less equal to the state of your perception of authority. There simply rests the confines of our existence and we make the personal choice on which boundaries to believe in. The laws of this world are just a debated and compromised reflection on those moral codes that every person is ingrained with. On one side of each rule, you'll find yourself either near or far from the written law. For all of modern history we find governments, religions and corporations setting down these rules as a percieved benefit for the people who are ruled by them. Of course, this is cause for all of our chaos and anacharist dreams, our threat of destruction and our great divide. And how do we find ourselves making peace with these confines? Some dive deep into the politics, the highest form of art according to the Greek forfathers of western thought. They talk and talk about defining the lines, taking hardline attitudes, fight and claw each other until simply gaining the floor to speak loudly in defense of their position takes over as the motivation to be involved. Notoriety. Respect of fellow men. Power. Control. So much gets sacrificed in the pursuit of making change in those systems of debate. The raw nature of morality is lost to the stone tablets of law. Nearly the same can be said of rigorous religion. Leadership has continuously attempted to form rigid conformity throughout their following, robbing the beauty and fondness for peace and justice found within us. These rules are the work of fear. Fear that we, the people, would not listen to that voice within. It's a voice that is sounding loud and fierce when we know real love. A voice that can be quiet when overrun by doubt and fear. Our most terrible enemies! We absolutely know the difference between right and wrong. It cannot be denied. When you are quiet, at peace, and filled with love, the answers come shining through as clear as day. Now to the real debate. What do we do when our own motivation temps us to dissregard that voice, that truth, within us? Well we reason ourselves right around it most of the time. The truth is like the nature of light, or that of water. It's there, showing us the way, but never forcing us to fall in, never seeking it's own will. Instead, it is ever allowing you to make your choices. We can choose to stick to it's path or we can cut a few corners here and there. Yes, we all do this everyday. We can pick a different path all together. We can deny that any path exists at all. In a true attempt to live your finest path, the laws of man, the rules of religion, the regulations do not apply to you. In finding yourself here, you no longer need to change the rules, since they do not concern you anyway. The struggle dissolved. The truth is your law and it's a fine line to be mindful of, yet it will let you gently understand it if you respect it. It is higher than the written word. It is of the most simple and perfect nature. Love is the key to illuminating the path. By the power vested in me I shall be free, I shall govern myself.

Thanks

Blake Williams died on Saturday, March 22, 2008 in Iraq. I met him once before in December of 2006 in Richmond, VA at a Pat McGee Band concert. The concert was a celebration of the life of Blake's brother Chris. Now both are gone, leaving behind numerous friends and family members to sort through the missing pieces in their lives due to the loss of these two brothers. Chris Williams was my very good friend and, like everyone who knew him, I miss him, but it's no longer time to be caught up in sadness over this tragedy. When we look at our lives and see others lose theirs, we have to be very sure to take the focus off of their passing. Mourning and grief is absolutely necessary and I would never presume to denounce its necessity and over-powering weight that will bend even the most callous knee. The troubles ease, the memory lingers but relents its grip somewhat. Life cannot stop, no it will not. When I think of Chris, my heart no longer aches, instead I smile and remember the things he did for me, the amazing music he played, and his genuine, humble and generous spirit. Thanks! My ex-father-in-law passed away this past Christmas. I was sitting in an airport, somewhere in Texas I think, when I got the call. Here was a man that lived a hard life, a man that passed that hardship onto those around him. He lived by a different code than anyone I've ever met. His ideals rested in self-sufficiency, self-confidence, self-denial and rugged unrelenting principles. He was the leader of his family and in the mid-seventies he had moved from Maine to Idaho with an entourage of family members. They ended up buying land at the end of a barely passable logging road not far from Bonners Ferry, ID. There he forged a life by clearing the land, building homes, hunting for game, constantly up keeping the 6 mile long driveway and working as freelance carpenter. When I became a part of his family, there was little use for a person like me in his world. Unfortunately I found myself discriminated against in subtle ways and hushed voices around their household. A fact that slowly but surely made itself known to me. No amount of work ethic or responsibility within myself seemed to make a dent on how I was viewed as a outside nuisance that came from the vile world. And here I was married to one of his six children. A daughter that had already rebelled heavily against him in the past. Fortunately they had something of a patched over relationship that improved over the passing years. In the end, it was this unrelenting spirit that caused his fall. Too many years of working too hard, his body failed him. At the young age of 56, the tissue resembled that of a man in his late 80's and there was simply nothing to keep his heart going further. So what to make of this? This person made my life difficult, and made it hard to be comfortable around him. The thing is, I still appreciate knowing him. I was sad when he passed. I felt deeply for his family, for my son who lost his grandfather. For my ex who lost her father. The pain for all of them is still fresh and just now beginning to ease the slightest. I know that my judgement of him never wished for a tragedy like this to occur, and really, no judgement on my part is necessary or warranted. People die. It's one of the hardest events that the living must endure. I could speak about the injustice of Blake dying a million miles away from his family in a war that is indefensible. I could say that it is a senseless tragedy that Chris died so young. I could rant about John's passing and the unfinished business left behind in it's wake. What I would rather say is that the world and life has been full because of these people and I thank them for what they contributed to my experience, be it small or large, good or bad - so thank you, thank you very much! I hope the pain passes soon and is replaced with joy for everyone. Life is here today, yes it is.

A new heading

Finally. Some truth. A foundation for life. A washing away of all that I was or thought I should be. So many days filled with the wrong assumptions have led to the wonderful demise of a character that needed to perish. The secret shared. The next level. Definition. "Yes!" A resounding, passionate and appropriate "Yes!".

Hell yeah

Feels like this life is mine. Like I know how to live the better the part of me. Goals and journeys are the measure of a life, if you choose to be moving along. I am ascending. A gentle flood from underneath, the well water rising within me and filling me with belief in tomorrow's promise of sun swept horizons, truth, beauty and purpose. A mission. The mission is upon me again. It's slow and growing, but enough to recognize, like the night's final relinquishing of darkness to the dawn's early light. Past the witching hour...into the grand and splendid daylight. The turn of the tide and the gorgeous realization of the full choir singing praises that rise from a distance and are now audible. Here comes the blood. Analog and right. Awesome and unstoppable. Around the feet, the waters are rising an inch at a time from here to the edge of all that I can see. Into this new river, this flow, this sea of the fresh morning, my burden erodes and is dissolved into the life giving waters leaving the new me which was growing underneath.

Wish you well

March 20. Another year goes by. Another date I won't forget. Wish you well. The song is done. The day is gone. Replace with happiness. Memory threatens, but sweetens as well. A lifetime of good and bad can't equate to only feeling sad. Honor the past and put it behind you too. I am weakened and made strong by a long road that goes on and on. Forward moving morning, come to me my love. Come to me. Every breath holds my will to move forward and forward still, though the instant anchors come and lash about my bow...remember when, remember how. How exactly do you honor memories without being tied to them? How does the noble person recognize the past, knowing now what you didn't know then, without the longing to fix what went wrong? Do we simply regret to end of our tired days? No, this can't be right. Recognize the growth, be thankful for the lesson, remember the lesson and don't repeat the mistakes. Accept that you are not perfect and learning through trial and error is a part of this life. Don't block it out, let it be a part of you. How else will you grow? Think of how far you have come and know that you are farther along the path than before. And that past, those days, the emotions all piled up like a train wreck, the ones that took so long to develop and experience all sit like a wall. But that wall should be behind you, not in front. They should be your foundation of wisdom and not your obstacle to a wonderful life. Time will help, but you must help yourself too. It's behind you. Put it behind you. Wish them well.

Accross the Universe...

Drained, I reached my destination. Fuck Virginia. Three days of pure hell led me here to this place. Can't sleep, intoxicated on all things that can go wrong. There I was a mile in the sky. There I fly, half asleep, half alive. The sunrise on the wrong side. My heart left on the sidewalk 1500 miles behind. Watching myself floating through another airport window reflection, looks like some other stranger. Dallas supertrain. Gate 19A. My body 18,000ft above, my mind, nowhere to be found. Superman loses another Lois Lane. A heap rolls out of the flying system of long carpets and automatic doors, one mile in the sky. A car comes around a corner in some underground concrete cemetery for my hope, no sky, artificial light, southwest, northwest, united, divided. Throw the rope. Toss the float. This one's going down if we don't. Rescue. Ride in the dark. Finality. That garage door opened. There sat my redemption, lacking compassion, providing a means to my "start-over". Scared. Sleep. Relief. Awake. 10 seconds and the reality resets like a wave. Damn. Try out this new thing...I can do this. I can. It might be alright, it might even be fun. A day goes by and I just distract myself the whole time. Red Rocks. Colorado winds take me down 70 and up 25. Downtown. Lunchtime. Dinnertime. Familytime. Some sleep...not really. Thoughts are intrusive and a constant ache. Won't you let me sleep? Lois, how could it be? Tomorrow...tomorrow...the morning of my exodus. Sunrise crashing loud and abrasive against the wall of my mountains behind me. Tie the bag down. Remember the rules, the maintenance, the mechanics, risk your life and be born again. Gloves on. Helmet on. Say goodbye, say thank you. A million miles, a million miles. Off into the hard morning. East. East. Careful. The wind! Can I do this? My first semi. Concentrate. No time for complaint, no time for fear, no turning back. Do this. You can do this. The wind isn't going anywhere, so you better make friends. Now across this great plain, the land spreads out like a giant picnic blanket running to the horizon. Kansas never really ends. A day of staying alive. Topeka rains, and darkness falls. I'm lost. I'm wet. I'm miserable. I'm cold and alone. An hour goes by in desperation. Motel 6 salvation. Cable television numb. Morning...time to go. Time to know Missouri again for the 5 or 6th time. No more fear. Glimmers of enjoyment. Intrusive disbelief and the daggers of ache pull my body. St. Louis. Pouring rain again. Traffic jam. Pull to the side, under an overpass, rain gear. Standing on the side of the interstate feels like a perfect metaphor. It's an appropriate place for me. So long in Saint Lou-ee. So damn soaked inside and out. Time to stop. Burnt out maybe, or trying to enjoy the trip perhaps. Find some time for me. Do something fun? Like what? Taco bell just doesn't hold the same joy in my current state...Illinois. This town is not trying to save me. Overpriced hotel room. I don't care. Get some beer. Get on the phone. Talk to friends. Drink alone. Damn. Call out in the night to no response. Too many tears. Too much. It's too much. Too damn much. Why? Pass out. Reckless morning. Get up early. Get out of this godforsaken room. Ride. Morning fog. Ride. Heal up. Ride. Push. Determination. Faster. Faster. Faster. Blue and Red! Can't be good. I'm guilty. Yes officer. No officer. I understand. Jail? Whatever, I don't care, really really. I've only got a few bucks on me. I'm getting off lucky? That's what you think. On down the road with my new insult to injury. Indiana. Fuck him. Faster. The sunshine and Kentucky starts rolling out its green fields. Its lush carpet of beauty, filled with horses and fences, white clouds and big shadows across the land. Lunchtime. Red Bull. Cigarette. Feel good for the first time in a week. Ride and ride. West Virginia...dark clouds. Mountains. Rain! Soaked. Charleston is an ugly town, but at least I'm getting closer. Wind up and out of that town without fear. Clear weather for a moment. The bike responds, leans and moves like a Japanese super rail car carrying me to the top of Fuji on the wildest winding track laid by man. We are one. Cold on top. Rest a minute...No phone...Let's go home baby. Let's get this done. Down and down into the darkness. Virginia again. And here comes God. In sheets of pelting rain. In madness. I said I AM GOING HOME. Madness. Lois! Staunton...McDonalds...call my brother. I am going on. I am pure will. I am frozen. I am soaked to the soul. Shiver in the lunacy. Following the lights of these travellers in there safe cars terrified of my suicide. I decide. Muscles aren't working right. Body ravaged. I'm going on. That's right, it's you and me God. You and me. Whatcha got? We're taking this all the way to the end. Black frozen rain reality. No more hope. No more. No more. No more. Black. Black cold death. Live Johnny. Live dammit. Richmond. Look for a room. No rooms...all gone...fuck NASCAR. I'm going to die now. There's no going on. No joking. A place to change my clothes. A couch. Dim lights and soft music. In the warmth a gentle "why?". Where did you go tonight? I am dead tonight. Then a friend. Get up buddy. A ride in the middle of the night. A shot of booze. Change cars. Sunrise. The water. Empty house. Broken life. Broken picture frames. Back to Richmond. Find the bike. Ride the ride. Home alive. Here to face the new. Let's go for a run. Tear off those neck ties. Something better might be just around the bend.

March

From the empty lot of a day without inspiration. A day. Feels like a waste. I see my goals sitting unfinished and ripe with need. Where is the fire? The drag of my ever-failing depression tries to dig it's claws in one last time, looking for my weakness, fatigue, tough days, tall walls, unknown routes and uncertain effort. Energy robbed. These are the times to let the wind blow hard and try to push us down. To let the cold and dark attempt its very best to break us, until its will grows tired. Sorrow in despiration, I already know I will be okay. No matter what comes next. And tomorrow, when the hardship has passed, we will be left standing thankful and accepting of the new beautiful sun.

Native American

What blood flows through these veins? My mother's native source? My father's anglo flow? I am not aware. I know not race. I do not believe. I refuse. It does not exist. Only culture, only teaching and tradition tells us "who we are" or "who we are supposed to be". Our bodies built by the environment and thousands of years of genetic improvement and specialization to best fit our piece of this planet. I do not see your skin, your hair, your language. I see your eyes. I see the truth. What a falsehood the world has been under. What a lie we have purchased with the lives of generations trying to define our differences instead of recognizing our similarities. I give it away. I do not associate. It does not exist. I respect and truly appreciate the cultures of all peoples. I do not take a stand to say one is above another, there is simply wonderful variety. I know my bloodline's history, art and music. It is rich and beautiful, proud and strong, even ugly and twisted at times, I am happy to share it with you. Nevertheless, I don't run and hide in it for my defense. I don't believe in heritage when it takes the face of some unnecessary and stubborn, prideful nationalism. I believe in it when it provides an exchange of ideas and the beautiful art and culture of a people that has developed over time. I will not be a champion for narrow minded pride. I am the full realization of a person that does not acknowledge race, only truth. All this trouble is a matter of technology moving faster than nature. People getting ahead of themselves. In ancient history, the people could not travel far enough, without great difficulty, to even see people of another race. Specialties, cultures, religions, government systems, philosophy developed separately. Then we started building the vehicle of the modern world and we begin pounding on each other's door. Your ways are flawed. Adopt my dogma or be overrun! Wars and borders, refugees, defensive pride, flags, dividing lines, blindness, economic pressure, hate and pain, loss of life, whole cultures destroyed, rise of superpowers, weapons of mass destruction, lies and disinformation, government deceptions, genocide, fear, global police, terror, religious fanatics, assassinations, escalation. Fast forward to this moment, technology in high speed once again. Taking us faster and faster to a place where we can understand each other. Is this nature fixing itself finally? Setting things right? Are we ready for this idea? A global community. We stand on the precipice of major change and we're rapidly becoming aware of it. Can we survive the transition? Will this new age, the new world order, the next age, the brave new world survive the fear of change? Is this a nightmare of neo-liberal globalization? Will this movement cause the world to fall under the spell of smokescreen Utopia, a great and powerful deception with promises of unity, but tainted by blindly accepted totalitarian control in the name of peace and security? Are we strong enough to know the difference? Will we survive with our integrity intact? Yes. Yes. We must say "yes!" with anabashed fervor. Trust in love and let it see us through. We are the realization of the things we believe. Let us believe in the triumph of love over fear.

Music?

More than any other thing, music has defined my life, the guitar my partner, writing words my necessary outlet. I fell in love with music early. I am built with comparatively intensified, focused and heightened emotions and found music to absolutely transform me. I don't make music to invoke emotion or to reach some goal. I make music because it made me. Sometimes I'm a mess, sometimes I'm golden. I feel. I feel. Often I am separated from my fellow man as a result of these philosophies borne of this love. When I started playing guitar when I was just a child, I knew I was supposed to be working on this challenge. I had so far to go, but I liked the fact that it held such a steep learning curve with the ever-obvious rewards to be reaped from studying this instrument. Who I would be. Later on, I was something of a utility guitar player. Making music was like reciting memorized lines with other people who had memorized the same lines. Learning other's songs. Imitation. Then I began writing music from the same mentality. More memorized phrases that I had created, but still a preconceived idea and neatly boxed an idea. Rules. These phases were all supported by outside forces. Those that don't dig so deep into music enjoy your memorized passages and accept them as "real". Good people. I wasn't satisfied. I needed more, I heard more. I could be more. Then my eyes and ears opened to this new realization. I should just let go. With my hands and mind on all these rules for so long, I finally let them go. No fear. Mistakes are not mistakes at all. A new challenge. I hear this music in my head, on the drive into work, when I'm in the shower, when I can't get you off my mind, when I'm enjoying some Chik-Fil-A, when I'm sleeping, in mid-playing, and it needs to come out...now. And when I let go, it comes out. Trust in myself. To get in line with that creation to the point where there is no thinking, just music. The challenge has subsided on the guitar some and I don't reach for that lovely instrument as much these days. I've been enjoying just listening to some great music and letting it fill me. I've been playing in casual settings with good friends and enjoying exploring the many places a good jam can go. Words still hold the power. Words in music reach so far within. I write in the same manner as I play guitar. Just let it come, unafraid. It's all love, it's art, if I can claim such a thing. If I were to attempt to hold this in, I believe I'd burst. I'd be some kind of sinner if I denied it. Just a flow that is perfectly natural if not a little difficult to understand or know exactly what to do with all the time. Right or wrong, music has become this backdrop to everything else that I am. I am musician who runs, a musician with a day job, a musician with a son. Looking back to the begining, I realize I made that choice a long time ago and I debate whether or not to let that go too. Maybe just be a great "me" and not worry so much about my backdrop. Our backdrops should be the love we have for each other. Everything else should flow from that great truth. There are greater things to be a part of then the selfserving nature of music, despite its beauty. I only ever wanted to make beautiful music, but now I just want to have a beautiful life. Maybe that means making music, maybe not?