Homesick

I rarely feel homesick. I moved far, far away from my hometown when I was 19 and never looked back again. 12 years go by. My parents and brother's family both relocated equally far away from that sleepy little mountain town. I lost all my friends back there, everyone of them stops calling eventually. They all move on and on. When I was divorced, the last of my connections was severed. I have no home...not right now. I long for one. And suddenly, I'll catch a glimpse or accidentally trigger a memory and feel that old heartache. It's lifetimes away. It's becoming more of a fairy tale than a real place. The closest emotion is like remembering somebody close that has passed, or a lost love. I take a minute, I let the pain in, I allow myself the sorrow to honor something beautiful for a moment. Then I must wake from this place. It's only human to feel this. Then it's time to straighten up, stiffen the upper lip, recall the present and place hope in the future. We only miss the things we didn't take for granted. So here we are today, don't forget to be alive here and now. Miss this place. Miss this day. Be here! Be fully here and welcome tomorrow with you head held high! You never know what you might be missing or what's just around the corner. Let's keep going.

The weight of it

It's true that we can become stronger with time, effort and patience. It seems the emotional muscle is not unlike any other in the body. Our stability is dependant upon our testing, the breaking down and rebuilding of a stable emotional state. If we dare to suffer our emotional wounds with honesty and deal with them directly, accepting that they have broken us, then we can heal properly as well. Take time. Allow for regeneration. Feed the soul with a healthy diet of quiet and patient reflection, with help from those we admire and trust. Yes, we shall grow strong. The tests will keep coming, undoubtedly. That's life. As adults, we tend to think that we've done all our growing, but the truth is, we just do it slower than before and we can always improve. We will always be forced to bear the load of new challenges. Let's run out to greet them head on with our love and honesty as our foundation. That's the place to start before all things.

Stubborn

The new season is patiently waiting the last one to give up the ghost. Stubborn, it is. Unwilling to go quietly. Unable to acquiesce gently. A season of principles and determination that deserves respect. A season of strength in the face of adversity. But, like all things, its time has passed. I see it hanging on desperately in fury and rage at the unfairness of its expiration. I see its tired heart yearning for release and the conflict within. Will against nature. Nature wins...always. But what can be said about a stubborn attitude and resolve? Surely there is more than a bit of good that comes from being steadfast. If all we see is the last portion of its life, where "steadfast" turns to "stubborn", then we are missing the part worth honoring. Change comes to all things, it is constant and undeniable. We must learn where to plant our flags for a time, and when to pull up roots as well. We must be vigilant in understanding both, picking the right battles to wage for all time and also allowing others to affect us and mold us in a new way. We are always given a restart with each new season, even if we have a good thing figured out. Who will we be?

Too many mutha uckers

I love it when I feel the layers of bull being ripped away. The baggage being loosed, the truth rising up and out like the sap that fills a tree in springtime. The shedding of dead skin and birth of a new life...or a reconnection to the source itself. We do indeed let a layer of emotions fall around us and it's a drag. It's confusing and disheartening. Like a scab that first forms to protect us, later naturally removes itself and reveals the remade flesh. So the stone is removed again and I am whole. Now I'm chopping through red tape like a ninja on a mission, multiplexing and flexing my renewed energy. Each mutha-ucker is just an easy obstacle, and I mean them no harm. Back to the front.

Here's goes nothin'

I feel like I'm on the edge, about to jump into the river. A new height. The first roller coaster of the season. Some hesitation, some fear, but resolve and knowledge that I am going for it. It will happen. Risk. Reward. Destruction. The unknown. The rush is real, adrenaline rising. I've come here with purpose. It's not a hill, it's a mountain. I will keep climbing.

Follow through

What is it to follow through? What does it take to make a plan, execute and see it done? It's the cold hard action of the moment where the rubber meets the road. It's in waking up, going out and making it happen, whatever "it" is. So many lack that ability, their ideas are grand but their resolve is momentary, at best. I cannot live like that. Ideas don't excite me as much as seeing them in action and being a part of that action, in seeing the movement take place that is required for their fruition. I will live in a forward and positive manner. I will see these goals, ideas and plans through. Will you? Somewhere in all the hard work, is a joy and a contentment unparalleled. There is freedom and accomplishment in working towards a positive end. Yes. I am become life, the builder of worlds.

Multi-tasking in the Bi-polar Whirlwind

Things are moving so quickly and there are lots of goings on. I have friends that are in need. I've decided to buy a house. I'm training for my first triathlon. Work is keeping me busy for the first time in a while. Every phone call is somebody selling me something, or someone close to me who needs an ear. I text. I M. I run a thousand errands just to keep the machine turning and it feels fine. Yesterday I bought my first real road bike, man is it pretty. I'm at the gym, I'm on the road, I'm on the job. In the quiet, I'm alone and getting more restless for companionship. Yes I'm lonely despite all the distraction and busy-busy bustling. I could use some love, couldn't we all? I feel as though that person is not necessarily in my life at the moment. The one woman I have an interest in is not reciprocating, and though it's tough, that's a fact I simply live with. Others are interested in me and yet I simply don't feel romantic towards them. Irony. Life. Funny how I have all these tasks to accomplish, these duties to fulfill, a laundry list of items to address and yet my need for love trumps them all. There behind the curtain is a looming desire for a partner in my life. I'm happy enough to get by, the spring breaking over the land brings me renewed energy and I look forward to a future that I'm building one day at a time. It seems I can't control the time or place of my fulfillment. Every time I've been graced with love, it's come from left field when I least expected it and so, again, I stand ready to receive. I'm hoping for a lasting relationship in whatever comes next. Either way, I guess I stay pretty busy.

Dragon boots

I feel these tired legs sometimes try to keep me from my own destinations. I carry the same type of weight that we all acquire over time. But I know there is a way to shed this dead skin. A way to be free of unnecessary burden. Come sweet inspiration. Come alive. Fight. Fight the good fight and know it is right. Now comes the music, the rebellion that is life itself. Do you know the electricity that you create inside yourself? Come alive. To rise up on the surface. To gain the speed and set up for another ride. Believe in yourself. Know that you can. You are going to be alive, you might as well do all you can to be yourself. Don't listen to the rabble, or those that want to criticise. They are the frightened ones, safe behind their judgements, unwilling to venture their own ante into the pile. Above and beyond all that mess. Into the light and keep your eye on that horizon. The better place to be.

I'm sorry

It seems no matter how much you strive to live a good life, to treat others well and respect your fellow man...you're going to hurt others anyway. It's sad and difficult to accept. So I am sorry for the trespasses I make and I need forgiveness. I guess we all simply make bad decisions from time to time. Sometimes we aren't given the chance to address those we know we have hurt, to directly ask for our forgiveness. It's those instances that are most difficult to accept. All we can do is know that we do feel regret and shame, at the same time we can forgive those who have done us wrong. It's a balance that is necessary if we want to love one another. So I am sorry and I forgive you too.