Alone

I suppose we all end up alone sometimes. It can be a deep and sinking feeling, not knowing what to do with yourself. I read a book or run. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and pout, but then I think of my Mom saying, "Put away that big lower lip". When that self-pity comes over me, I'm learning to go ahead and do something about it. Self-pity is the sanctuary of the weak and depressed, a place that is not worth the time or effort, or lack-there-of. This time I am alone by choice, but I won't be alone forever. Deep breath. Keep moving.

11:11 Eleven Eleven 11/11 Read Me

Yeah, I see it too. Almost every day. I have been for years. You're not alone. You wonder what's up. You look for answers on the Internet and find a few folks telling you all the secrets of the universe. You're skeptical and rational. It's probably just a deep neural track that's been firing every time elevens end up in your peripheral vision. A track that is dug deeper and deeper while you search for answers and attach more intrigue to your search for reason. But no! How odd, look at that, another chance encounter and another. Price tags and licence plates, phone numbers and addresses. Look how greedy your eyes are for it. 11:11. They stand out like bold face print for some reason. It's their shape, something about the shape. Perfect symmetry. The same thing we humans look for subconsciously in a mate. It rises out of the crowd of information as we swamp our minds in the new age of digital media. These other shapes and letters and words don't appeal quite the same. 11:11. It's beautiful in that sense. Calming. Are you a light bearer? What the heck? I'm a designer and a musician. I like Red Bull and distance running. Stupid movies and beer. I like this here planet earth and I wouldn't mind staying grounded on it. I see it more often when my emotions run high, when I'm not at my sharpest. When I'm searching for answers. It reminds me to love, to be thankful because I decided that's what I will think of when I see it. I could choose to have it remind me to check my bank account if I wanted. But there I am at a random concert and the band is named Eleven Eleven. There I went finishing up an album last year and released it on 11/11...without realizing it...ha. Over and over, I know. Why not use that as a moment of positive reflection? So are there angels in the outfield? Truthfully, I say we don't know, but there are worse things to believe in. Is it pointless, is it empty and meaningless? Sure, if that's how you want to live. You get to choose. I'm coming to terms with the idea of this life being a little bit of magic and little bit of oil changes. A few angels and a few ex-girlfriends. Maybe that's not so bad. I'm just glad to be here and I hope you are too. Hey, let's turn it into a drinking game, here's a shot on me 11:11 :)

Elephants and Rock-n-Roll

Something about her...what was it? I knew from the instant I met her that we would have a story. I didn't know it would be so tragic at the end, I didn't know it would be so amazing and adventurous. I'll never forget meeting her. I remember coming around that corner in your parent's house, and seeing you just chillin' in a hoodie and probably shaking off a hangover. I was immediately attracted. Months went by and I saw you again when my travels brought me your way, both of us involved and only able to politely exchange glances that seemed to ignite something in us. We came to life on a dark night in Oxford, OH. I held your hand, you held mine. We drank too much, we talked all night, we snuck around that house after everyone was sleeping. You came to my bed and laid with me and we gently fell asleep. Awake! You dash away and I lay puzzled with myself, happy with a connection, stressed over the enormity of the feelings that were inevitably going to overcome me. A hug, a goodbye. An email or two. What to do? You came to North Carolina and we were together again for more nights in the bars, travelling with the band, sleeping in another random bedroom together again, drinking again. Neither of us wanted to stop it. You listened, you talked. We laughed and I found myself determined to let this be, despite the hardship it invited. One more show before you had to go. I ask if I can kiss you and you say no. I accept it and play my heart out on stage. You change your mind. A text message. An elevator. Our kiss. We own the moment. And on to the reality. My marriage ends. You leave your beau. We clear the way for love. My life takes one of it biggest turns, I leave it all behind. The New Year. Hardship and bliss balance themselves. Your arms greet me so completely when we see each other over the next few months. All I need. You moved to me. We travel everywhere. I wasn't sure I wanted to live together, but I couldn't see not being near you either. The sliver enters. We make the most of our life, and you hung in with me through a number of difficulties in my life. You were my partner in my work. Warm and comforting in the worst of times. Thank you. Smothering and overly needy in the good times. I couldn't breathe when the spring peaked its head around that corner. I told you I needed space. I loved you like no other. I tried to be honest. I didn't want to lose you. Jealousy. Miscommunication. Misunderstanding. You were weak. My body shuddered. You weren't there. Lies exposed. You're leaving, there is another. Broken. The stars hang over the street and you tell me it's over. Pain, the kind only time can heal. Your sweet smile and loving embrace became something ugly and terrible. We sputter and die. I almost didn't survive, but I did, I grew ever stronger. I let these trials pass and come to understand them. True colors arise. I am whole and you are my friend even if you hurt me so. Another triumph of forgiveness and time, of love and patience. You are well on your way down a different path and I wish you well. We are forever a part of each other's story.

A certain level of confusion

It would be fair to say that I am always learning. I find strength and belief in one place and then find its downfall. I anchor to a rock and watch it crumble away. Each time it happens I find I am becoming stronger, I am becoming my own rock. How much more must I learn? I've never had a relationship go quite like this last one. So simple, honest and easy at first, and then I watched her grow so desperately afraid of losing me at every turn. She lost herself, forgot herself, negated herself and I felt alone with her. I've never had to say goodbye in such calm seas. I've never hurt someone so badly while being absolutely sure it was the right choice. The confusion sets in and yet it dries up immediately. I am fine, life is good, I am happy. The future, the present and everything in between is looking upward. I am not guilty. I was honest and made a choice that will eventually serve both of us. And now, I understand the trials that others have gone through in a new way. This is an odd time. I didn't expect to feel so very "alright" so soon, but indeed I do. I'm not even sure I need a relationship right now. I want to spend some time feeling fine. What is it to break a heart? I've had mine swiped from me a few times. It's a pain that lasts a lifetime. It's the end of a love which does not end. It's the necessary detachment of one who is going away and the murder of the other's soul. Wholeness denied. Cold and calm on the side of those who leave, hot and tumultuous on the other. Finality. So I send these meaningless apologies for your suffering out into space, never to be felt. You are on your own my dear. If it weren't for honesty, I'd be by your side and I'd keep pretending everything was blissfully okay between us. It's not and it will never be. You never knew me, I never knew you. Confused? Sure I'm confused. I loved this person deeply and truly, then suddenly felt it die and shrivel into the darkness in almost no time. Somehow, I'm alright though. My best guess is to keep moving, be happy and not take this time for granted. How much more should I complain? I thank my lucky stars I am alive and well in this world. These days are so different now. I'm home.

Doesn't Remind Me of Anything

I want to go to Japan. I want to see something I've never seen. I want to be somewhere I've never been.