A.R.K.

I found out today that you're a momma. It's wonderful...seriously, I am happy for you in all the good ways a person should be. I'm sure you'll be great at it, really great. Love's like that, over time it allows all things to be a blessing and I'm sure your little family is a good thing and I wish you nothing but the best. The other day, you popped into my head...a place you used to to occupy like an invading force, but it's been a while since those days. I thought, "I hope you're doing good. Miss you.". The story replayed again, like an old movie you used to watch all the time and then you watch it again for the first time in a long time...I guess I was young and dumb or full of myself when I met you. I remember your hair and your welcoming presence. I wanted you immediately, but I patiently waited years to have even a little bit of you. I remember asking you to come have lunch with me and how we just sort of started to always have lunch together. I remember laughing with you, sending IMs and working on projects with you. We spent some good times together in those days, even if they were confined to work for the most part. You were taking more and more space in my heart and I suppose I was doing the same in yours. I remember looking at you one day and something inside said "Oh no! I'm in love with her!" and that changed everything in my life. Too late. Fuck it, I'm glad. I remember 9:11. I guess I could have kept it to myself, but you would have got it out of me eventually anyway. I wasn't scared of being honest with you and I wear my emotion right on my sleeve anyway. So we were in love, and there was no way we could be. I had a family, you had a life, we didn't have a chance without disrupting too many lives and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. Too late. You moved on and on in your outside life. I felt caged and grew more anxious and desperate to find a solution. When you left for 6 months, met your new man and put me 3000 miles behind you, I stayed strong and supported your forward moving life. Inside I was a constant martyr for your love. These are the days that would turn in my head for many days. Where I could have been different. When you came back, it wasn't long before we picked up like before, friends that can't be in love. I remember when you told me you were engaged. I remember trying to smile for you. Broken. Your great exodus was planned...and so was mine. Fucking London. Fucking ambition. When you announced you were quitting, moving, leaving forever, you could have just hit me with a baseball bat, but I said "Congratulations!". If our story ended there, I might have never had done all the things I did, leaving my job, touring, then I learned about myself, found new love, lost it, broke into a thousand pieces and slowly picked them up and did it all again. I might have just huddled up in the corner and lived out my life without testing anything. But you came to our show after you quit, before you left town. You were so very beautiful and perfect that night. The years, the love, all that which could not be - just exploded in our passionate and unavoidable secret kiss in the dark. All our regrets and repression tried to make up for the pain they caused in a flood of emotion. A moment for a lifetime. Love. One week. One week and we spent every moment we could together. One week and you were leaving. One week and I was leaving. It's all we had. I remember you showed up in my favorite Superman T-shirt on that Friday. I remember you weren't supposed to be there. I remember sneaking off with you before the show. I remember walking outside at the end of the night and holding you, kissing you and saying goodbye. That was last time I would ever see you. It was too much to handle. I remember crying once I was home and everyone was gone. Crying till I convulsed on the floor and crawled outside. Crying till I threw up in the street and I was finding ways to hurt myself to displace the pain. I remember thinking I had never felt pain like this. I think I held onto that pain for too long. I think the lingering phone calls and emails after you left were just a reminder of what I lost and I was an addict. You were my love and you were gone forever. A year later I still thought of you regularly and you know, I found someone to talk to about all that, I started to fall for her. Not long after that I decided to leave my marriage. I decided to never lie to myself about my feelings again, I will never live a lie again. I fell in love again, I moved on, I healed and started a new story. I left my job. I played music for a living. My fear left me and I just went for all things that would keep me from feeling like I didn't give my life a real shot. You gave me that babes, you did. It was a hard lesson and a tough time for both of us, but I don't regret a moment of knowing you and the times we had, I wish you the very best in life and I will always love you.