Depression, love addiction and breaking through

Wounds. The emotional ones are the hardest to understand. We can't just look at the injury, test the progress and declare it healed. Like waves, the emotions come and go, rise and fall, ease and surge again. Depression has been a part of my life, like so many others, and it's a tough road when it's at it's worst. I know. I know. But I've beat it before and I am beating it again. It takes time to pull out of and more importantly, it takes an acknowledgement of its existence. It's a real affliction, but it's not impossible to overcome it...and you don't need a psychologist or drugs to do it. I'm not going to claim that those methods don't work, but I am certainly a proponent of helping yourself, building your own foundation, and finding your own path and balance. It's like the old saying, "If you want something done right, do it yourself". I find being creative in any manner is such a healthy way for me to start the process of recovery, but moving to more rational means and purpose driven, positive thought is also absolutely necessary. By facing the truth of what it is that has troubled me enough to cause this long lasting depressive cycle, I am able to talk about it, make it less of a haunting secet trouble and more of a story and a lesson from my past. For me, there were a number of factors that brought me here. Some of which I am completely responsible for and other factors were completely beyond my control. I had a number of love relationships fail in a row, all of which influenced my mental state intensely, until I finally could not take another dramatic episode and withdrew from the idea of being with anyone until I had a grip on my emotions. I saw my business, my life's work and dream fail and lost my closest friendships. Nearly everyone who was in my life 3 years ago is no longer, save my family and one or two very close friends. I no longer had a dream, a future I cared about or a point to being around except to be a good father to my son. Soon, anything that went wrong in my life came with the weight of everything that had gone wrong, no matter how big or small. That's a lot to handle when small troubles feel like a ton of bricks landing on you, and small troubles come often in every one's life so I had to start learning to react appropriately and proportionately to the events in my life and not look at them as an ever-growing mountain of pain, but one small challenge at a time, each to be dealt with and to be moved past. Of course that combines with the inability to get excited or feel any joy over anything at all. The funniest thing is that one day I found myself laughing at something and realized I hadn't felt that in many months...simple, real laughter. Cracks in the wall. Some daylight. And the wall continues to fall. Oh, how I am excited about seeing it fall completely! Belief in a brighter future is lapping at my shore. It takes effort, but I know I can get there. Opening up. Trusting in people again. Knowing that healthy relationships do exist and that I can be a part of one and I am ready for it. I continue to learn about myself, to define myself but I am fresh and untested at this new plateau. Waves, growing stronger with each passing day. It's a long long road and I am walking hard and fast into better days.

The habit of denial

How we lie. How we lie to ourselves. Protection. Survival. And not from malice, not from a will to do ourselves wrong. At the very least we have a primal ability to ease the daggers of our worst mental pain. Easy denial in so many forms. Then like a shrinking scab, if the wound is not too deep and terrible, we can pick it away and face the truth and find that we are healed as well. We may have to own up to our part in how we hurt another, we may have to accept that the worst has happened and we must go on and be whole again. As we mature, we learn to see into ourselves better and better but we are never able to keep this natural instinct from occurring, it happens unconsciously and our best hope is that we improve at climbing back out of our safety pitfall. It's not unlike a blackout around a tragic physical accident, the brain keeps us from having to suffer the sharp edge of the incident. Our hearts get broken, our hope gets crushed, fate steers our lives into the ditch, evil people take our innocence and drive us down, circumstance keeps us at bay from our wildest dreams, loved ones are taken from us without warning. It's sad, but it's real and it happens to all of us. If we didn't have our denial, surely the suicide rate would be much higher. Our quality is shown when we climb back. It's in our struggle back to reality that we define ourselves, our character, our strength, our values. Yes, we must climb back! We must stand again! Have you not seen those poor souls that cannot find their way again? Turned and twisted in such strange ways. Scratching and clawing to change reality to suit there needs. Perpetual denial. Pride. Pride vs. truth. The truth will always win, and it should, and it's good. Be thankful for the truth. It is where the future lies, where hope is born, where you are walking in the sun. Surely we are growing, let the truth be your fuel, your food source, when you are ready it will always bring you in, support you and take you to your next adventure.

Conviction

The word is conviction. Belief and faith in yourself, in your view, your attitude. Trust in the lessons you've learned. Knowing that you are resolved and you stand tall and firm upon your foundation. The ego must be kept in check, a careful balance must be obtained and consistent vigilance must be maintained upon it's violent need to explode. A life engaged is not unlike a jet engine, propelled by the fuel of conviction, belief and faith. The flow must be controlled, balanced and directed, otherwise the combination is most dangerous and can cause much damage. Western philosophy says one should learn to focus this force within us to accomplish great goals and explore the finite details of any given subject. The Eastern philosophy is just the opposite, where one is encouraged to extinguish the fire, to let go of the flame and embrace the concept of being a part of an infinitely large existence. I think there are things to support, to believe in, to have conviction about, but they must be so very carefully embraced in order to keep from losing sight of their importance, significance, and relevance. Subjects like human rights, war, famine, and environmental concerns demand us to stand and be counted with one side or another. Most of us are relatively passive in support of or against such things, but we do so little in response beyond taking on an attitude. How can we have pride without action? How can that pride be kept in check? How can we move on an issue and be actively working toward positive change without letting that movement get out of hand and become dangerous and destructive in some other unexpected way? We can trust in love. We can ask ourselves if our conviction is in line with love and that which love would propagate. If the answer is "yes" then we must move! We must act! We must do something if we have the means. We must keep our eyes open to the big picture of our lives and our place in the world and be decisive and vigilant about our actions. If the answer is "no", then we must let it go and forget the attachment. Here is this chance, the opportunity to show our quality. Let us be of the highest quality and strongest conviction when we are tested. Let us know when to let go of those motivations that are not in line with love. Let us hone our judgement to know the difference. In all things, love should be our guide.

Anger

I am angry today. I feel myself wanting to lash out at anyone. I can't stand that I swallow it and smile when I have to interact with someone. It makes me feel like a liar. I'm stressed. It seems nothing is going quite right. It's a beautiful day and I have no one to share it with, no one to talk to about this frustration. I'm low on food, money and time. I feel the mountain of pointlessness wanting to crash down upon my sunny field. Over and again my hope is squashed. No amount of optimism, or positive thought is making a dent today. I feel like I'm giving into the idea of getting pissed off. I am angry. I am confused. I don't know what else to feel, there's no reason to feel anything else. Time is wasted, some people have treated me terribly, circumstance ruins my financial plans, my plan to enjoy the summer is a wash. I'll be working it all away just keeping up with the bills. I feel its vibration in my head, shaking me to pieces, fueling uncontrollable rage. I want to shout, to break something, to cause damage. I want to wield this emotion into a brick wall and watch it break and be crushed to dust under my strength and vengeance. I don't know where to hit, how to express this. I want to yell and scream at those who have hurt me. I want them to know how much pain I have had to endure as a result of their actions. I want them to feel this pain, so they will know, so that I don't have to bear it alone. I want to open the seal on this capped intensity and let it loose upon the world. I want to tear down the beauty built at the expense of my broken heart and soul. I want to see it destroyed and completely obliterated at my feet. I am angry. I am tired of taking punches with a grain of salt. I am tired of it. Fairness is a joke, it's the virtue of the selfish, while they take and take in their self-righteous version of a equality. I want what's fair. Fair for me. I want to be selfish. I give and give and give away my love to others and it is treated like a whore. Those who don't honor love disgust me. I am disgusted with you. I will move on from you swine, you blind and awful people. Get away from me. I only want to be around those who understand the idea of self-sacrifice. They are the only people to be with, where I feel right about giving myself away, and I want to rise up and be the best person that I can be. I want to be sustained. I want to love and to be loved. I don't want to be angry anymore. I know I can be better than that.

Been there, done that

More strange days. So odd. I am finding new people to be around and new things to try. I'm finding that while some of these experiences are new, others are so very similar to places, people and times I've already experienced, sometimes so long ago that I had forgotten about them entirely. It's not my "been there, done that" attitude this time. This is genuine, "Holy shit, how can this be happening again?!". But I am new, my point of view is different, so everything feels a like I'm getting second chance at many situations. I like to think I've grown some and am avoiding mistakes of my past this time around. I seriously have felt like I am going to see myself walk into these places, the old me and I know I'm going to be powerless to educate him or share some wisdom with him, warn him, talk some sense into him, but I want to. What a life. And I am thankful. Thankful for this life and its coincidences, its reality and its magic, for these struggles and triumphs. It's time for me to retake the castle, as it were. I do hope I am wiser than before and make better decisions this time around. That I am honest, hard-working, and worthy of the blessings of my future.

Stillness

One of the greatest gifts shown to me, is the quality of stillness. A virtue that I never considered or engaged in. Someone I care a great deal about, unconsciously set an example of this one day, a moment that continues to stir something in me. I am very thankful for the lesson. There is great wisdom in the act of stillness. In quiet. In clearing the mind and accepting your part in moment around you. What becomes of this is up to you. In me, I find I suddenly am comfortable with the place I find myself, emotionally, physically. I am exactly where I need to be. When I do begin to consider anything, it's usually a question of "What am I?" or "How is it that I am here?". With the answer leaving like a dream that you can't hold on to, an expression comes over me, "I am so lucky to be here experiencing life," and "There's no time to waste!". But there is time to be still, that time is not wasted at all, in fact it holds some of the most potent beauty and contentment that I know of.

I must be getting thick skinned

Again I suffer ill treatment and disappointment at the hands of others, but I feel nothing. I'm not angry or terribly upset. At best, I'm a bit confused over the actions of some people. Neither am I overly joyous or happy, just blank today and in need of a miracle to snap me out of it. I ran far this weekend and did it with no trouble, in fact, I ran further and faster than I ever have. Maybe that helped me level out my emotions. Single life is so much of a roller coaster, it's intensity must be dealt with in a firm manner. I must be getting better at letting the water roll off my back, because I am surprised at my lack of sadness over watching another romantic opportunity turn bazaar, complex and, for the moment, completely fruitless. Still, it was good to be in the company of new people and I recognize the value in it. Another continues to show me complete disregard while endlessly stroking her own ego and pining for acknowledgement of superficial achievements. I smile and nod a bit begrudgingly, but ultimately I am looking forward to being free from that situation in the near future. Maybe I'm just comfortable with my own actions and I feel justified in my well contained reaction to both situations. Vindication is a selfless and silent pride. At least I know where I stand and I know that I am being an upright, mature and caring person.

Why everyone else is an idiot

Here's my blanket philosophy on the days when I'm certain I don't give a shit: Everyone else is an idiot. You don't say what you mean. You won't do what you want to. You're a fake, plastic version of yourself that's hiding just behind the door, trying to be sure it's safe to be yourself, which of course you are convinced that it is NOT. You put others down instead of sharing the beauty that you hoard. You refuse to explore this world, new ideas, new people and cultures. Your fear makes you a terrible person to know, to be influenced by, to be around. Your walls are so high that you have no idea what type of person you are projecting on the outside. You probably wouldn't even like yourself if you met you on the street or in a bar, because you'd see the falseness of your persona. You line up to be counted with the masses and shut down your mind. It's ridiculous how many times you regurgitate an attitude that somebody else imprinted upon you and you never bothered to test it. You blame the past and the actions of others for your present actions and approach. You let them have the control and take no responsibility. You are not accountable. You don't venture anything new. You don't really believe anything and you won't really put yourself fully into anything. It's terrible. You could be so much more. So much more. You waste this beautiful potential and piss on your opportunity to be a wonderful spirit. Everyday the door is open and ready for you to rise above, but you let fear and pain rule your life. It's sad. The truth is written upon your face. I see you. I see right through you. Show me that you can be more. Show me that there's a surprise, a backbone, a life in full swing. Who among you can do this? Please show me. Who can be honest with themselves? Who can be truly free? Who can ignore themselves? Who can love? Help me to be this.

Don't I know it

I must say, I'm feeling pretty positive today in general. It's nice to know where I am, what I'm working on and where I'd like to go. It might be due to the fact that I see a few of my friends suddenly in a place where they have to start over. Some are moving, some are finishing school, some are starting new jobs, some are just coming to terms with some twist in their life. One season is done and another begins. It's like I'm sure I can relate and it makes me feel less alone in the big "reset". I wish them all well and hope they fly high in there new lives, but there is a coming struggle for them, albeit necessary. I feel like I am a day ahead of that change and it reassures me to know that I am truly moving forward and looking forward to the future, but I also have a sense of empathy that makes me want to offer comfort to anyone that begins to feel the loss of belonging. In any case, summer is pretty much here, so it's time to enjoy this weather and let the troubles roll by.

Hard to breath

It came acute and deep today. Somehow I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Then I am paralyzed. I didn't invite anything in, but it came just the same and knocked the wind out of my sails so suddenly. These emotional dips are only coming by once in a while lately. Days apart. I recognize them attacking and I bounce back quickly now. I am stronger, but human as well. Just breath and move on. Self-pity will get me nowhere, nowhere I want to travel, nothing I want to feel, no time I want to share, nothing I am looking for. I am tired of it. I am tired of letting myself be brought down by circumstances that are beyond my control. I want to turn the whole thing upside down. I want to share this love I find with everyone. Who's to say what's impossible?

The long run

One foot in front of the other. That's the idea. Sometimes we're not even aware of the strides we're making, distracted by the moment's glory. Other times, moving forward takes every last bit of resolve and concentration. When it's so very hard to find inspiration and that darkness falls, you must remember that you do not know what is around the bend, you don't know what the future holds. Take those steps, when there's nothing to live for, keep moving, keep going, you can do it! Your fate can return to your hands with time and you will learn how to build a stronger and wiser foundation through these trials. Surely we are growing, only through being tested, being broken down and rebuilding ourselves. Choose how you will be rebuilt. Yes, these hardships shall pass, even if you are stripped down to nothing but the ability to breath. Just breath. Just breath. Be patient. Find a better way to be, see what it is in your life that brings you up, what brings you down and work eliminate the latter and accentuate the positive. Find the higher qualities to aspire toward and then let time pass, be at ease. The long run will break us down, but it will also build us up stronger than before. Embrace the cycle and be at one with it. Each time we fall, we also learn and grow. Accept the fall and rise up again, dust yourself off and keep going. You can do it!

I used to play video games

I did. I used to play them all the time. I loved moving through the plots or mastering some skill and discovering the next level. Hell, I grew up on them. Then one day *poof* I just didn't want to play them anymore. I guess I was about 24 or 25 when that happened. I looked at my life and decided I was putting all this time into something that left me unfullfilled and I could really benefit from using that time in some other way. In some ways I sort miss that shallow determination to conquer combined with a nice waste of time just having fun and forgetting that life is so serious for a few hours. Nowadays I get sort of pissed off when I hear people talking nonstop around the office about the latest edition whatever the latest craze is. I find my joy in other activities and I do realize that everyone has there own way of having fun so I try not to let that overspilling of enthusiasm bother me to any large degree. I guess I'm just human in reacting the way I currently do. I grow past the games and find a different way to be, then I am in turn a bit annoyed at those who are in that place that I was so long ago. Maybe I should just play some video games and have some fun. Lighten up already. I gave them up because of how they quickly become an obsession, an addiction that's difficult to break. I like to take things to the Nth degree, it's my nature and even these games were no exception. I have to be careful with what I get involved with because it will consume my life. I hope that I can continue to use my nature for bringing about good things, less selfish things. And I must learn balance, so that I might have some good old fun too. We're all a work in progress.

Gotta wonder

I'm constantly reading news articles on-line or getting lost learning something on Wikipedia. It seems that part of my day is spent wasting away in front of a computer and I feel I better spend part of that day improving my knowledge base if I'm not doing anything else productive. And since I'm convinced that the way I live my life is probably not unlike a majority of people in the cubicle workforce, I'm wondering if we really are improving as humans. Are we getting smarter, wiser, better than a generation before. If yes, then in what ways? If no, then by God why don't we put a stop to it? Once you reach the point in your self-education where facts are no longer being gathered, but instead, opinion over the impact of certain facts becomes the impetus for growth then we are left with very little to base our own opinions upon and we get stuck in a seemingly pointless debate over...well...nothing but speculation. In other words, if everyone is fully aware of the facts of any given situation, why do we spend so much time discussing and debating its impact? Does anyone really plan to make a change in there life over any news stories they read or discovery about the world around them? Maybe so. I guess I'm talking about culture change, which takes a very long time to culminate into a visible difference. Nevertheless, these things happen. I've seen them change in my own lifetime. From ecological concerns, to human rights, to views on business and religion. In our teaching to the next generation, some of those opinions start to become facts. By gathering a number of varied opinions, I also find that both sides of an issue are often defensible. This is the split. This is where you reach your very own ethical dilemma where personal values win the day, if you have any. And where did those values come from? They come from the generation you were born into. If you or I had been born 100 years ago, our values would be completely different and we'd feel just as justified about our particular stance. So that begs the question, are the values of our generation the "right" ones, or even the "best" so far? What sociological atrocity are we committing unknowingly right now in the name of ignorance? Surely history will tell. This all just turns into a landslide where ethics have no ground to stand upon unless you have something concrete to base your values in. And guess what, you are ultimately responsible for creating your own solid foundation, otherwise you will continue to point to fallible authorities for your reference and find them faltering when they are truly tested. All this information, all these opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. Study it, know it, understand it, but form your own opinion and back it by getting involved or keep it to yourself and don't foul the waters with your uninformed attitude. And most importantly, log off, turn off the computer, the video games, the ipod, the TV, the camera, the Tivo, the Blu-ray, the cell phone and just go out into the world and be a part of it instead of hiding behind technology for your experience. Real, corporeal, human, flesh & blood experience is waiting for you right out there. There's no need to lose yourself in technology, the real world is truly a far more amazing place. There is a happy ending, you can choose a positive point of view, you have the right to be forward moving and full of joy in simply using these tools but not depending on them.