Time off for redirection

I took some time to survey this new place where I've arrived. A break from the wandering thoughts and endless pathways of my myriad of existential bullshit. I have this firm new ground to walk upon and wanted to study it and let it direct me. I am here in this new day and looking forward to whatever is next. Today is just fine. I recently discovered how very angry and fearful I have grown toward my romantic endeavors over the past few months and years. I am not alone in being hurt, but it's difficult for any of us to see past our personal suffering and not feel sorry for ourselves. Much of my mind was consumed with this pain. I know I've caused others to feel this kind of pain as well. How to reconcile? Who to be? First I caused the pain for my ex-wife through my own selfish immature attitude toward our relationship, and I believe we both suffered and caused each other much unearned suffering. Coldness and death. A slow breaking heart over many years. A vow. A vow to never take the blessing of love for granted. It seems my next real relationship was the polar opposite. So warm, so close. At first this was the closest to heaven I remember feeling, but once my soul warmed up it began to sweat. I felt the smothering and asked for some room. I was still dedicated to her completely. Unfortunately she misunderstood my intentions and did some very bad things, my heart broke with a snap. I had been treated very poorly and was thrown into chaos, a train wreck. Part of me was happy to be able to breath again, but my love was dead again and I was cut to the bone. Then I happened upon something different altogether. From left field, a woman walked into my world that brought a kind of peace and calm that I had never heard of. Suddenly I was moving toward higher ground and thankful for every moment. I let my guard down, though she did not, and I fell happily alone. My very own martyrdom in the name of love. Then, as subtly as she came, she made her exit. With all of my spirit, I was empty. Detached. Depression. The long cold and dark night had come. Mistakes. Alcohol. Destruction. Pointlessness. Insanity. Desperation. Thoughts that would not leave. Pictures in my head at night. Tears. Despair. Everything but my body died. The peak of a season of pain. Then I awake and begin to move toward the light. Must keep going. You don't know what's coming around the bend. I made a few attempts at dating, but I knew I was not in the right place to take anything serious. I decided to begin running again and get healthy, to strengthen my mind and soul on my own terms. I found music again and let it work it's healing on me. Friends came along and filled me with joy and hope. My family pulled close and supported me. I begin to write from the emotion. Learn how to say "I love you", "Thank you" and "Good luck" again. I find God where he's been all along. I am so very thankful to be alive. That I get this chance to be here and experience this life. My feet touch ground for the first time in a long time. More steps toward solid ground. The ground I found on my own. The change is here and I am new once again. Then I found out how very cynical I had grown concerning women. A friend pointed out that all her single friends would tell her how attractive I was, until I start talking, then they were turned around and I realized how quickly I judge women. I label most of them in some category that I have previously been hurt by...and where that may be a seemingly wise method of personal emotional protection, it's not fair and it's not who I want to be. So I know I need to improve in this area. I need to drop the fear and protection. It's time to expose this new heart again so I might share in something wonderful. It's the next leap on the new road.