Wasting time

Leaving old dreams and goals behind and embracing change has been so very strange. There are times when I feel as though I am simply letting time pass by and I don't know what I am waiting for. I don't know exactly where I want to go. I am happy enough, but lack something essential for the first time. The doldrums, this stagnation is oppressive and relentless. I have to invent small goals to give myself purpose and motivation. I suppose we just invent bigger and bigger goals and give ourselves bigger and bigger purpose and motivation. Should I chase after money and success in a career? Should I chase after women and hedonistic pleasure? Should I run after art and culture or education or activism? I don't think any of these lesser motivations are the right ones, at least not for me. I simply want to find someone to share this life of discovery and adventure, while providing sustaining mutual emotional support. As basic as that sounds, I can't imagine anything else fulfilling me as much as that could. All other activities and motivations seem to shrink away in comparison to a simple love, even when compared to the most altruistic of endeavours. Is our need for love just selfishness in disguise? When you are completely giving of your time and resources, are you a better human than someone who finds true love and learns to live everyday with that same care? I think we need love because it roots our wild, unchecked and sometimes destructive emotions in how they will effect others. When we truly think of each other first, before ourselves, then we are improving. Love shows us and reminds us all how to do that. If we all could stay in that mindset, we could advance and make real change by simply being an example of love and living for each other, in every moment. So maybe I do know where I want to go, but I must be patient. And what then, if I get what I desire? I believe I should strive to live simply, embrace whatever joy I might be lucky enough to be a part of and seek to be giving of my time and resources.