Just good

I just feel good. The words slow down and the warmth is coming from all around. The trouble erased by a sublime shift in my world. Thank you! Thank you all. I have this wonderful sense about things, a feeling that I can only associate with being very young when the sun filtered through the trees on a summer morning, when a day lasted a lifetime and my cares were a million miles away. This doesn't happen all the time, I will not take if for granted. A blessing. A blessing indeed. Grace. There is no darkness here. There is no pain or sorrow, no regret, no holding grudges or contempt for anyone or anything. Forgiveness and devine inspiration to be joyous for this beautiful moment in time. Let this light surround me now, and let me honor it.

By the authority vested in me...

What you can and cannot do is no more or less equal to the state of your perception of authority. There simply rests the confines of our existence and we make the personal choice on which boundaries to believe in. The laws of this world are just a debated and compromised reflection on those moral codes that every person is ingrained with. On one side of each rule, you'll find yourself either near or far from the written law. For all of modern history we find governments, religions and corporations setting down these rules as a percieved benefit for the people who are ruled by them. Of course, this is cause for all of our chaos and anacharist dreams, our threat of destruction and our great divide. And how do we find ourselves making peace with these confines? Some dive deep into the politics, the highest form of art according to the Greek forfathers of western thought. They talk and talk about defining the lines, taking hardline attitudes, fight and claw each other until simply gaining the floor to speak loudly in defense of their position takes over as the motivation to be involved. Notoriety. Respect of fellow men. Power. Control. So much gets sacrificed in the pursuit of making change in those systems of debate. The raw nature of morality is lost to the stone tablets of law. Nearly the same can be said of rigorous religion. Leadership has continuously attempted to form rigid conformity throughout their following, robbing the beauty and fondness for peace and justice found within us. These rules are the work of fear. Fear that we, the people, would not listen to that voice within. It's a voice that is sounding loud and fierce when we know real love. A voice that can be quiet when overrun by doubt and fear. Our most terrible enemies! We absolutely know the difference between right and wrong. It cannot be denied. When you are quiet, at peace, and filled with love, the answers come shining through as clear as day. Now to the real debate. What do we do when our own motivation temps us to dissregard that voice, that truth, within us? Well we reason ourselves right around it most of the time. The truth is like the nature of light, or that of water. It's there, showing us the way, but never forcing us to fall in, never seeking it's own will. Instead, it is ever allowing you to make your choices. We can choose to stick to it's path or we can cut a few corners here and there. Yes, we all do this everyday. We can pick a different path all together. We can deny that any path exists at all. In a true attempt to live your finest path, the laws of man, the rules of religion, the regulations do not apply to you. In finding yourself here, you no longer need to change the rules, since they do not concern you anyway. The struggle dissolved. The truth is your law and it's a fine line to be mindful of, yet it will let you gently understand it if you respect it. It is higher than the written word. It is of the most simple and perfect nature. Love is the key to illuminating the path. By the power vested in me I shall be free, I shall govern myself.

Thanks

Blake Williams died on Saturday, March 22, 2008 in Iraq. I met him once before in December of 2006 in Richmond, VA at a Pat McGee Band concert. The concert was a celebration of the life of Blake's brother Chris. Now both are gone, leaving behind numerous friends and family members to sort through the missing pieces in their lives due to the loss of these two brothers. Chris Williams was my very good friend and, like everyone who knew him, I miss him, but it's no longer time to be caught up in sadness over this tragedy. When we look at our lives and see others lose theirs, we have to be very sure to take the focus off of their passing. Mourning and grief is absolutely necessary and I would never presume to denounce its necessity and over-powering weight that will bend even the most callous knee. The troubles ease, the memory lingers but relents its grip somewhat. Life cannot stop, no it will not. When I think of Chris, my heart no longer aches, instead I smile and remember the things he did for me, the amazing music he played, and his genuine, humble and generous spirit. Thanks! My ex-father-in-law passed away this past Christmas. I was sitting in an airport, somewhere in Texas I think, when I got the call. Here was a man that lived a hard life, a man that passed that hardship onto those around him. He lived by a different code than anyone I've ever met. His ideals rested in self-sufficiency, self-confidence, self-denial and rugged unrelenting principles. He was the leader of his family and in the mid-seventies he had moved from Maine to Idaho with an entourage of family members. They ended up buying land at the end of a barely passable logging road not far from Bonners Ferry, ID. There he forged a life by clearing the land, building homes, hunting for game, constantly up keeping the 6 mile long driveway and working as freelance carpenter. When I became a part of his family, there was little use for a person like me in his world. Unfortunately I found myself discriminated against in subtle ways and hushed voices around their household. A fact that slowly but surely made itself known to me. No amount of work ethic or responsibility within myself seemed to make a dent on how I was viewed as a outside nuisance that came from the vile world. And here I was married to one of his six children. A daughter that had already rebelled heavily against him in the past. Fortunately they had something of a patched over relationship that improved over the passing years. In the end, it was this unrelenting spirit that caused his fall. Too many years of working too hard, his body failed him. At the young age of 56, the tissue resembled that of a man in his late 80's and there was simply nothing to keep his heart going further. So what to make of this? This person made my life difficult, and made it hard to be comfortable around him. The thing is, I still appreciate knowing him. I was sad when he passed. I felt deeply for his family, for my son who lost his grandfather. For my ex who lost her father. The pain for all of them is still fresh and just now beginning to ease the slightest. I know that my judgement of him never wished for a tragedy like this to occur, and really, no judgement on my part is necessary or warranted. People die. It's one of the hardest events that the living must endure. I could speak about the injustice of Blake dying a million miles away from his family in a war that is indefensible. I could say that it is a senseless tragedy that Chris died so young. I could rant about John's passing and the unfinished business left behind in it's wake. What I would rather say is that the world and life has been full because of these people and I thank them for what they contributed to my experience, be it small or large, good or bad - so thank you, thank you very much! I hope the pain passes soon and is replaced with joy for everyone. Life is here today, yes it is.

A new heading

Finally. Some truth. A foundation for life. A washing away of all that I was or thought I should be. So many days filled with the wrong assumptions have led to the wonderful demise of a character that needed to perish. The secret shared. The next level. Definition. "Yes!" A resounding, passionate and appropriate "Yes!".

Hell yeah

Feels like this life is mine. Like I know how to live the better the part of me. Goals and journeys are the measure of a life, if you choose to be moving along. I am ascending. A gentle flood from underneath, the well water rising within me and filling me with belief in tomorrow's promise of sun swept horizons, truth, beauty and purpose. A mission. The mission is upon me again. It's slow and growing, but enough to recognize, like the night's final relinquishing of darkness to the dawn's early light. Past the witching hour...into the grand and splendid daylight. The turn of the tide and the gorgeous realization of the full choir singing praises that rise from a distance and are now audible. Here comes the blood. Analog and right. Awesome and unstoppable. Around the feet, the waters are rising an inch at a time from here to the edge of all that I can see. Into this new river, this flow, this sea of the fresh morning, my burden erodes and is dissolved into the life giving waters leaving the new me which was growing underneath.

Wish you well

March 20. Another year goes by. Another date I won't forget. Wish you well. The song is done. The day is gone. Replace with happiness. Memory threatens, but sweetens as well. A lifetime of good and bad can't equate to only feeling sad. Honor the past and put it behind you too. I am weakened and made strong by a long road that goes on and on. Forward moving morning, come to me my love. Come to me. Every breath holds my will to move forward and forward still, though the instant anchors come and lash about my bow...remember when, remember how. How exactly do you honor memories without being tied to them? How does the noble person recognize the past, knowing now what you didn't know then, without the longing to fix what went wrong? Do we simply regret to end of our tired days? No, this can't be right. Recognize the growth, be thankful for the lesson, remember the lesson and don't repeat the mistakes. Accept that you are not perfect and learning through trial and error is a part of this life. Don't block it out, let it be a part of you. How else will you grow? Think of how far you have come and know that you are farther along the path than before. And that past, those days, the emotions all piled up like a train wreck, the ones that took so long to develop and experience all sit like a wall. But that wall should be behind you, not in front. They should be your foundation of wisdom and not your obstacle to a wonderful life. Time will help, but you must help yourself too. It's behind you. Put it behind you. Wish them well.

Accross the Universe...

Drained, I reached my destination. Fuck Virginia. Three days of pure hell led me here to this place. Can't sleep, intoxicated on all things that can go wrong. There I was a mile in the sky. There I fly, half asleep, half alive. The sunrise on the wrong side. My heart left on the sidewalk 1500 miles behind. Watching myself floating through another airport window reflection, looks like some other stranger. Dallas supertrain. Gate 19A. My body 18,000ft above, my mind, nowhere to be found. Superman loses another Lois Lane. A heap rolls out of the flying system of long carpets and automatic doors, one mile in the sky. A car comes around a corner in some underground concrete cemetery for my hope, no sky, artificial light, southwest, northwest, united, divided. Throw the rope. Toss the float. This one's going down if we don't. Rescue. Ride in the dark. Finality. That garage door opened. There sat my redemption, lacking compassion, providing a means to my "start-over". Scared. Sleep. Relief. Awake. 10 seconds and the reality resets like a wave. Damn. Try out this new thing...I can do this. I can. It might be alright, it might even be fun. A day goes by and I just distract myself the whole time. Red Rocks. Colorado winds take me down 70 and up 25. Downtown. Lunchtime. Dinnertime. Familytime. Some sleep...not really. Thoughts are intrusive and a constant ache. Won't you let me sleep? Lois, how could it be? Tomorrow...tomorrow...the morning of my exodus. Sunrise crashing loud and abrasive against the wall of my mountains behind me. Tie the bag down. Remember the rules, the maintenance, the mechanics, risk your life and be born again. Gloves on. Helmet on. Say goodbye, say thank you. A million miles, a million miles. Off into the hard morning. East. East. Careful. The wind! Can I do this? My first semi. Concentrate. No time for complaint, no time for fear, no turning back. Do this. You can do this. The wind isn't going anywhere, so you better make friends. Now across this great plain, the land spreads out like a giant picnic blanket running to the horizon. Kansas never really ends. A day of staying alive. Topeka rains, and darkness falls. I'm lost. I'm wet. I'm miserable. I'm cold and alone. An hour goes by in desperation. Motel 6 salvation. Cable television numb. Morning...time to go. Time to know Missouri again for the 5 or 6th time. No more fear. Glimmers of enjoyment. Intrusive disbelief and the daggers of ache pull my body. St. Louis. Pouring rain again. Traffic jam. Pull to the side, under an overpass, rain gear. Standing on the side of the interstate feels like a perfect metaphor. It's an appropriate place for me. So long in Saint Lou-ee. So damn soaked inside and out. Time to stop. Burnt out maybe, or trying to enjoy the trip perhaps. Find some time for me. Do something fun? Like what? Taco bell just doesn't hold the same joy in my current state...Illinois. This town is not trying to save me. Overpriced hotel room. I don't care. Get some beer. Get on the phone. Talk to friends. Drink alone. Damn. Call out in the night to no response. Too many tears. Too much. It's too much. Too damn much. Why? Pass out. Reckless morning. Get up early. Get out of this godforsaken room. Ride. Morning fog. Ride. Heal up. Ride. Push. Determination. Faster. Faster. Faster. Blue and Red! Can't be good. I'm guilty. Yes officer. No officer. I understand. Jail? Whatever, I don't care, really really. I've only got a few bucks on me. I'm getting off lucky? That's what you think. On down the road with my new insult to injury. Indiana. Fuck him. Faster. The sunshine and Kentucky starts rolling out its green fields. Its lush carpet of beauty, filled with horses and fences, white clouds and big shadows across the land. Lunchtime. Red Bull. Cigarette. Feel good for the first time in a week. Ride and ride. West Virginia...dark clouds. Mountains. Rain! Soaked. Charleston is an ugly town, but at least I'm getting closer. Wind up and out of that town without fear. Clear weather for a moment. The bike responds, leans and moves like a Japanese super rail car carrying me to the top of Fuji on the wildest winding track laid by man. We are one. Cold on top. Rest a minute...No phone...Let's go home baby. Let's get this done. Down and down into the darkness. Virginia again. And here comes God. In sheets of pelting rain. In madness. I said I AM GOING HOME. Madness. Lois! Staunton...McDonalds...call my brother. I am going on. I am pure will. I am frozen. I am soaked to the soul. Shiver in the lunacy. Following the lights of these travellers in there safe cars terrified of my suicide. I decide. Muscles aren't working right. Body ravaged. I'm going on. That's right, it's you and me God. You and me. Whatcha got? We're taking this all the way to the end. Black frozen rain reality. No more hope. No more. No more. No more. Black. Black cold death. Live Johnny. Live dammit. Richmond. Look for a room. No rooms...all gone...fuck NASCAR. I'm going to die now. There's no going on. No joking. A place to change my clothes. A couch. Dim lights and soft music. In the warmth a gentle "why?". Where did you go tonight? I am dead tonight. Then a friend. Get up buddy. A ride in the middle of the night. A shot of booze. Change cars. Sunrise. The water. Empty house. Broken life. Broken picture frames. Back to Richmond. Find the bike. Ride the ride. Home alive. Here to face the new. Let's go for a run. Tear off those neck ties. Something better might be just around the bend.

March

From the empty lot of a day without inspiration. A day. Feels like a waste. I see my goals sitting unfinished and ripe with need. Where is the fire? The drag of my ever-failing depression tries to dig it's claws in one last time, looking for my weakness, fatigue, tough days, tall walls, unknown routes and uncertain effort. Energy robbed. These are the times to let the wind blow hard and try to push us down. To let the cold and dark attempt its very best to break us, until its will grows tired. Sorrow in despiration, I already know I will be okay. No matter what comes next. And tomorrow, when the hardship has passed, we will be left standing thankful and accepting of the new beautiful sun.

Native American

What blood flows through these veins? My mother's native source? My father's anglo flow? I am not aware. I know not race. I do not believe. I refuse. It does not exist. Only culture, only teaching and tradition tells us "who we are" or "who we are supposed to be". Our bodies built by the environment and thousands of years of genetic improvement and specialization to best fit our piece of this planet. I do not see your skin, your hair, your language. I see your eyes. I see the truth. What a falsehood the world has been under. What a lie we have purchased with the lives of generations trying to define our differences instead of recognizing our similarities. I give it away. I do not associate. It does not exist. I respect and truly appreciate the cultures of all peoples. I do not take a stand to say one is above another, there is simply wonderful variety. I know my bloodline's history, art and music. It is rich and beautiful, proud and strong, even ugly and twisted at times, I am happy to share it with you. Nevertheless, I don't run and hide in it for my defense. I don't believe in heritage when it takes the face of some unnecessary and stubborn, prideful nationalism. I believe in it when it provides an exchange of ideas and the beautiful art and culture of a people that has developed over time. I will not be a champion for narrow minded pride. I am the full realization of a person that does not acknowledge race, only truth. All this trouble is a matter of technology moving faster than nature. People getting ahead of themselves. In ancient history, the people could not travel far enough, without great difficulty, to even see people of another race. Specialties, cultures, religions, government systems, philosophy developed separately. Then we started building the vehicle of the modern world and we begin pounding on each other's door. Your ways are flawed. Adopt my dogma or be overrun! Wars and borders, refugees, defensive pride, flags, dividing lines, blindness, economic pressure, hate and pain, loss of life, whole cultures destroyed, rise of superpowers, weapons of mass destruction, lies and disinformation, government deceptions, genocide, fear, global police, terror, religious fanatics, assassinations, escalation. Fast forward to this moment, technology in high speed once again. Taking us faster and faster to a place where we can understand each other. Is this nature fixing itself finally? Setting things right? Are we ready for this idea? A global community. We stand on the precipice of major change and we're rapidly becoming aware of it. Can we survive the transition? Will this new age, the new world order, the next age, the brave new world survive the fear of change? Is this a nightmare of neo-liberal globalization? Will this movement cause the world to fall under the spell of smokescreen Utopia, a great and powerful deception with promises of unity, but tainted by blindly accepted totalitarian control in the name of peace and security? Are we strong enough to know the difference? Will we survive with our integrity intact? Yes. Yes. We must say "yes!" with anabashed fervor. Trust in love and let it see us through. We are the realization of the things we believe. Let us believe in the triumph of love over fear.

Music?

More than any other thing, music has defined my life, the guitar my partner, writing words my necessary outlet. I fell in love with music early. I am built with comparatively intensified, focused and heightened emotions and found music to absolutely transform me. I don't make music to invoke emotion or to reach some goal. I make music because it made me. Sometimes I'm a mess, sometimes I'm golden. I feel. I feel. Often I am separated from my fellow man as a result of these philosophies borne of this love. When I started playing guitar when I was just a child, I knew I was supposed to be working on this challenge. I had so far to go, but I liked the fact that it held such a steep learning curve with the ever-obvious rewards to be reaped from studying this instrument. Who I would be. Later on, I was something of a utility guitar player. Making music was like reciting memorized lines with other people who had memorized the same lines. Learning other's songs. Imitation. Then I began writing music from the same mentality. More memorized phrases that I had created, but still a preconceived idea and neatly boxed an idea. Rules. These phases were all supported by outside forces. Those that don't dig so deep into music enjoy your memorized passages and accept them as "real". Good people. I wasn't satisfied. I needed more, I heard more. I could be more. Then my eyes and ears opened to this new realization. I should just let go. With my hands and mind on all these rules for so long, I finally let them go. No fear. Mistakes are not mistakes at all. A new challenge. I hear this music in my head, on the drive into work, when I'm in the shower, when I can't get you off my mind, when I'm enjoying some Chik-Fil-A, when I'm sleeping, in mid-playing, and it needs to come out...now. And when I let go, it comes out. Trust in myself. To get in line with that creation to the point where there is no thinking, just music. The challenge has subsided on the guitar some and I don't reach for that lovely instrument as much these days. I've been enjoying just listening to some great music and letting it fill me. I've been playing in casual settings with good friends and enjoying exploring the many places a good jam can go. Words still hold the power. Words in music reach so far within. I write in the same manner as I play guitar. Just let it come, unafraid. It's all love, it's art, if I can claim such a thing. If I were to attempt to hold this in, I believe I'd burst. I'd be some kind of sinner if I denied it. Just a flow that is perfectly natural if not a little difficult to understand or know exactly what to do with all the time. Right or wrong, music has become this backdrop to everything else that I am. I am musician who runs, a musician with a day job, a musician with a son. Looking back to the begining, I realize I made that choice a long time ago and I debate whether or not to let that go too. Maybe just be a great "me" and not worry so much about my backdrop. Our backdrops should be the love we have for each other. Everything else should flow from that great truth. There are greater things to be a part of then the selfserving nature of music, despite its beauty. I only ever wanted to make beautiful music, but now I just want to have a beautiful life. Maybe that means making music, maybe not?

On healing...

Time may be your only solution
If there was another way -
A place to go, a pill to take
You wouldn't take it to heart
You wouldn't come back at all
You'd just self-prescribe
Until the end of days and the end of time
And you wouldn't be healed
Your broken parts revealed
In such strange ways on such strange days
On a long long road, made longer still
"Escape" is just "Pause and Deny"
A backwards walking, poorly portrayed allegory
For your joyful story
Lost and still waiting
A scramble to dress the wound
Overflowing with the fluid
To keep the flyer flying
To keep the pacer pacing
To keep this boat afloat when it's the ocean that's sinking
Aren't you thinking it's time to go?
Listen to the voice that says, "Let 'em go"
It's their turn, let 'em win
Let them roll and turn and twist and spin
And push and pull and have their day
Say their name
It's their day, it's their day
Fine, fine, let it be
Let it be that way
and rest
Another one is coming
But this day is done
As sure as the sun
and just like your breathing
Your life is coming as sure as it's leaving
Your love is flying as much as it's fleeting
All these comings and goings will surely be showing
Just learn to see this passing and pleading
As a need that is needing
A feed that is feeding
A sleep that is sleeping
Till all is quiet
Stillness
Clear
Time
Thought
No Thought
…
..
.
.
..
...
And you find yourself finding
A light lowly glowing
Remember your dreaming and let it have meaning
Breathe and be slow
You're back in your place
You must face your new face
So rise to your feet
and let your head catch up too
The morning can still feel
a little black and blue
But the light draws you in
And says "I have returned"
Get yourself up and let yourself into the day
Time has come again
To bail you out of the wages of sin
Live, I say live
Start the new revolution
Time may be your only solution

On or Off

On the nature of meaning...or lack thereof. We are here in this life trapped between everything and nothing. Neither is fully allowed through reasoning and careful calculated thought. We are absolutely responsible for choosing, either consciously or not, which our ultimate alignment will be. If there's an infinite and undeniable truth, a way, a light, a point and a reason, then the calculation finally asks "please prove it, show me". No authority in this world is available. If there's no truth, no point, no real reason and you wind down that deconstructionism road, you always end up at the bottom of all things with a problem as well. If your final statement is that there is no truth, then how can you be right? So here we are in this wild wonder, our minds trapped by reason in the purgatory of rational thought. And when you question all things, you tend to bounce faster and faster between the two extremes, for the middle is no place for people of action. The land of the selfish, fearful and slave-minded. And on the way out of this trap you make your choice...to be or not to be, that is the question indeed. It's our great opportunity to grow, to study, to think and compare. I do not fear any idea. I welcome them. They either eventually lead to the dark or the light. The on or the off. Meaning/Non-meaning. Its a chance to choose our quality and pick our side. And it's not so much a question of morality, as many would profess as the driving force. For with Positivity, morality springs forth and with Nihilism, morality serves no purpose. The choice comes first and dictates the latter. What keeps me on the life, light and meaningful side of the coin, even in the worst of storms, is the fact that we are here at all. When there could have been nothing, there is something. I know I want to be in line with that something. Call it what you will. It's a beautiful day and that means something to me because I choose to have a passion for the positive, to faithfully step beyond reason and make my choice.

A natural place

We all have places to go when we need to breath. The quiet natural escapes from cars and signs and TV and buildings and blogs and roads. I'm always seeking out more of these places, and I miss the ones that I can't regularly visit. The first place I found was a place on the far west side of Boundary county, not 30 miles from the Canadian border. It was a waterfall on Crystal Creek in the midst of the Selkirk Mountains. After reaching the remote parking lot, already miles from civilization, there was a mile or so hike into the darkened woods. Large, old growth trees towered overhead, the kind of trees that are separated by space but so full above that they cause a shadowed and secret place even on the sunniest of days. A cool and restful place, especially on hot summer days. Then the dirty trail wound up a steep hill to an exposed, dry, red rock overhang. Suddenly proportions are larger than expected. The outcropping dangled you a hundred feet over the magnificent waterfall below. White water, the rocks shining in the sun and the cool shadows all around. A good place to read a book or just sit alone or with someone and just be okay. When I lived in Maine, I had a few places that I'd go to find that kind of magic. I'd walk the breakwater in Rockland and get in touch with that cold and violent ocean or let the sun set on a perfect day. The breakwater is a wonderfully long (4,300 ft) man-made rock path that leads out into Rockland's harbor to an old lighthouse. Sometimes the wind is up and the sea is rough and the water surges up and over the rocks and can make for a certain level of excitement and danger that draws you in. On other days I'd climb Mt. Battie in Camden on a beautiful day and sit and look over the quaint harbor town. A barely marked trail started at the end of a seemingly dead end street. It ran up a somewhat challenging trail around roots, rocks and the native trees. It finally reached a moss-covered rock dome, the kind of trail that makes you feel good about wearing the appropriate footwear and yet it doesn't completely wear out your energy. It just wakes you up enough to really enjoy the view at the top. In Colorado, I've had the chance to scratch the surface of a few lovely places around Manitou Springs and Red Rocks. In California, so many places just take your breath away. In New Mexico, the desert rolls out forever and lets you know there is space for everyone. In Arizona and Utah the red earth and the green plants make the most beautiful contrast, something you can stare at and never be bored. In Oregon, the mountains mixed with a rain forest make for a place that exists nowhere else on earth. In the gulf, where the water meets the sand, the warmth and clarity of the ocean begs you to stay forever...and maybe part of you does. And here in Virginia, I take the time to regularly visit the Noland Trail in Newport News for walks and runs, and although it's surrounded by the city, it's a beautiful place to enjoy. I ride the mountain bike trails of the Yorktown and Williamsburg area and my soul takes a deep breath, in and amongst the forest. I get out to the western part of the state in the warm weather and camp with my friends in the mountains. We play music, we drink too much, smoke our minds, we build fires and forget that we're supposed to feel like we're roughing it. These are the places that I seek more often then not. The places where I can feel like I am a part of this fine place. Where that moonlight is reflecting off the water. Where the breeze is light and the sun is rising. Where the smell of the ocean overpowers the rest of the world. Where the trail leads around the corner to a new place.

Silver

Optimism is the gift we give ourselves. We choose our fate, our opinion, our assesment and our future through our will and actions. We choose our point of view. The world can lay upon us through our own acception of that which we feel there is no control over, or we can choose to view the events of our lives as a growing and learning experience. The truth is the rock upon our dramatic waves will crash. In time we can learn to be the swift current which is drawn and optimized by it. In every situation we can decide how to react, if we are wise. To be molded in truth is to be at one with your life. Our mouths profess the very things that will come to pass. We hold the very power to direct our fate and to learn from our mistakes. Listen to the words you are saying. There is silver everywhere. In each dark cloud that comes to dampen our spirit, the choice is still ours on how we view it. Be an optimist and joy will come to you. Everyone will rise and fall, but the optimist will appreciate the experience as a wholistic adventure that is a precious gift and a reason to celebrate each day. Pain is inevitable, it's a part of each moment. Joy is too. You can focus on either. The wise will smile in face of adversity and the cluttered soul will dispair in its rise. I would rather smile and be filled with joy, then drown in the ever deepening pit of hoplessness. We shall rise. Just look for your silver and you will find it.

The intensity of it all

Chills. Like spires through my veins. My mind and body fuse. I am set upon an idea. I exude a look and presence of pure intensity, one that has me and yet I have channeled and control. We are symbiotic. This feeling of tapping the source and trembling the foundations of the Earth and I am not afraid. I feel alive. This is where I belong, where I mean what I say, where I act as I am. It is who I am, one-hundred and ten. Whatever it is that I truly involve myself with, the bond is inextricable. Its left me broken down to nothing. Its brought me to the highest places. I don't know if it's a value I learned or something I was born with. I question whether I should work to decrease this spirit in me or if I should accept and embrace it within myself. In the past I have blindly allowed it and used it's power to accomplish many selfish motives, which ultimately led to other's suffering and my own. I let it into the love I've been a part of and it has served to show me such wonderful and selfless emotion that set me beyond all that I have seen, then turned and took it all away again. If I decrease it, am I not simply decreasing myself? If I embrace it, do I not doom myself to this violently extreme pendulum of emotion, of pride and humility, of gain and loss. Part of me envies those more collected and less prone to such a range of intensity. Part of me feels sorry for those that would never dare experience the emotional extremes life has to offer. Maybe we don't really have a choice over how our hearts bleed. Some more, some less. Is it nature? Is it nurture? Does it matter if we can't change it? We do however have a choice as to what to do with the blood. I make music, I write, I create with all that excess, when it has nowhere else to go...it goes here.

Insanity at it's best

So here's a mystery. Why do we all embrace a little insanity from time to time? I don't know anyone that doesn't. Granted there are those who get so very lost in it and those that never come back. We make up realities that cover the gaps in our lives that we can't explain, the parts we refuse to accept or seem impossible. Then, while we're in that state of confusion and grasping for reason, we find others in the same place looking for answers. If you haven't been there yet, you will be. If you're there right now, you could go off in so many directions. Some are harmless and interesting, some give you direction while you find yourself, still many others are dangerous and destructive. Some the world's best art comes from this state of instability, maybe because it let's people know they are not alone in feeling so crazy...in fact it's perfectly normal, if not a little off center. Center is boring anyway. It seems that religion preys on these troubled minds at times. Certainly every religion starts out as a cult of the insane and either grows to become part of the social norm or is extinguished for being so radically different that it is clearly a mythical manifestation of some nut job's bad acid trip. It's not just religion though, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists tap into this mania. Drudging up ugly history and prescribing pills to counter this naturally occurring phenomenon. It's all a big race to get back to sanity, to get your feet back on the ground and stop questioning every emotional, literal or intuitive experience's relevance. Here are your pre-packaged answers: it's God, your parents, the traumatic events that recently or not so recently plagued you, take 6 months, read some books, get some exercise and take a nice long bath and everything will be okay. And usually it is. The kicker is that no one is immune to being in touch with this type of thinking and how they interpret it is a personal journey. Thus, some truth must exist to what we call insanity. If everyone is working on this mystery at one time or another, then there must be something to it. Maybe there is more going on then that which we can explain. How hard is that to accept? Science and such has explained much of what humans took to be mysteries for all but recent history. What new discoveries await us? What new senses can we learn to develop? What empirical evidence will come to light concerning the soul, our great frontier? Why can't we pull this together? Some people have the hardest time just letting, the unexplained remain as such. Maybe it's okay to accept that parts of this experience won't be revealed specifically. Maybe we're just lucky to be here and it's a waste of time to worry so much the pieces that fit without our understanding. Miracles and tragedies happen everyday, must we know their reason? Maybe so, it seems that is part of what connects us, our need to have the mystery resolved. Funny that the thing that connects us all is also the very thing that keeps us apart.

Still running

I first started running when I was about 16. I wanted to run in Bloomsday with my Dad and brother. Bloomsday is one of the world's largest "fun runs" and it's held annually in the spring in Spokane, WA. It's called a fun run because of the distance - 12K, which works out to 7.45 miles. To anyone starting out running, 7.45 miles is a formidable distance to run. The challenge of completing such a feat was enough to get me out the door as a teenager. I began by running as much as I could of the two mile loop that wound around my rural, mountain, northwest home. Before long I was able to run the loop with some ease and I upped the mileage to 3 miles by running out into the valley that exploded below our little house in the hills. Then 4, then 5, then 8. I attempted the 8 mile loop twice before the big run. I don't think I actually ran the whole way, but I went as far as I could before walking. That first Bloomsday I cramped up around 7 miles and had to walk. The pain and anguish of it all was enough to seriously disspoint me. I ran in the last few hundred yards, but I knew I should have trained better, ran smarter and something about the fact that the challenge was not over made me discover a love for running that has stayed with me. I've always been goal oriented, always planned, executed and overcome...but this running thing is different. With running, you make your goals, you execute, you overcome...but it still has you. The moment you let off or lose your concentration, you have to start all the way over again. Running isn't something you can put in your pocket and say it's yours. It only allows you to catch up to your potential. And there's more. So much more. Running is your chance to reset your mental clock, to realign your priorities, to examine your life and let your mind find it's peace. It's the best place to make decisions, to tap into creativity and to allow those things that trouble you to drift away. And your body is just the same in a physical sense. Your lungs expell all the crap you've been breathing in. Your heart beats in perfect rhythm with your steps. Your muscles align. The food you've eaten becomes the fuel for this machine that is awake, aware and alive. Endorphins surge through your system and the mind, body and soul are cleansed. You can't help but feel happy, why wouldn't you? Of course, if you've never run, or only run a little bit without any direction or plan for where you might want to let it take you...then running sucks. It's hard, hard because the body needs to work up to the place where it feels comfortable with this activity. That initial hump is tough, and it's something that will keep a person from reaping the rewards of running if they let it hold them down. To those in that situation, I say, run somewhere beautiful, only run as much as you feel comfortable with, keep the run enjoyable. Make a plan to run 3 times a week, but keep the runs short and approachable. Preparing for a run in certain ways can make it that much more easy to enjoy as well. As far as food and eating goes, basically, don't eat anything heavy before running - run on a near empty stomach, it's just lighter and easier to get yourself around and you can eat your heart out afterward...although you'll probably just want lots of water...which is great for you. Don't overly concern yourself with carbs and vitamins and all that bull. However, I'd avoid carbonated drinks before a run too. Think about it, you're basically shaking up a Pepsi for a half an hour inside your intestines while you are running...that won't feel good. I prefer a more common sense approach to diet. If you feel like eating healthier foods, then do it. If not, well at least you are exercising. I love Pepsi. I love pizza. I just try not to take that stuff in all the time and especially not when I'm about to run. The nice thing is, the running actually starts to dictate a healthier diet. After running, many times I find myself craving a nice piece of bar-b-qued chicken or a baked potato, instead of a hamburger and fries. And you end up drinking more water which also curbs your appetite. The diet comes after the running, that way I don't force anything on myself, I just allow my body to tell me what I want to eat. I'm training for my third marathon (26.2 miles) right now and I'm excited about it. I'm excited for a number of reasons. First off, I'm making a nice vacation to southern California out of it, which makes for a good time. From a running perspective, I'm psyched because this will be the first marathon that I will run with complete confidence in my ability to complete it skillfully and in the best shape I can remember being in. In my first marathon, I cramped up at 20 miles as was forced to walk...talk about flashback to that first Bloomsday. My determination set in and I returned the next year to prove to myself that I could actually do it, and I did. It was tough, but I ran it with the notion to simply survive the entire thing. No cramps, no walking, okay time. Now a few years have passed and I've run a number of shorter runs, half-marathons and such in the interim. My attitude is different now, I am more mature, smarter, focused and confident. This year I will run very well. I am a runner. It is a part of my story.

I don't feel so good

I had too much to drink last night. I didn't get stupid. I didn't stay out too late. I didn't even have that much fun...and now I feel like crap. Yay! I would ask, "why?" but I already know the answer. I just didn't have anything else to do, no good reason to be responsible and it was payday. It would be nice to know ahead of time when a night is going to go that way. I would slap myself in the face and say, "Stay home, read a book, go to sleep!". I think I'll do that tonight just to make up for last night. Of course, I am one to look for the silver lining. Here's what mine is today: Everything about today is going to slowly get better. My head will clear up. My stomach will stop churning. I'll realize I can rest and relax. I'll probably go for a run and my attitude and outlook will turn positive again. Maybe I'll hang out with some good friends or play some music or get some good rest tonight. In any case, all things are relative. When you start out a day this low, it's like winning the lottery just getting back to normal.