Have a very Merry Christmas

It's Christmas, the New Year and time to endulge some sentiment. This year has been quite a journey, from a low point to a high one, to another low and ending in some balance and hope. I've learned alot about myself this year, or rather, I've learned that I can be in control of myself and comfort myself when times get hard and life becomes a struggle. I found so much good music to enjoy. I had some interesting travels. Fell in love. Broke a heart as gently as possible. Made some peace with myself and being alone. Made some new friends. Played some music, less than before though. Started on some bigger plans. Worked some. Played some. I've yet to feel that old Christmas feeling and it's Christmas eve tomorrow. I hope it comes. I hope my family, friends and loved ones have a wonderful break from the routine. A little magic, a little spell. The world sitting still to appreciate the moment.

I'm still livin'

Funny how enduring we are, despite ourselves. Each layer shed feels like it should be the end, but we move on and on. While we have been hanging on to the past, the future has opened up and surrounded us. The present is at hand and we are not gone, just new. I wish be at terms with my temporary immortality. What is it again that we fear? Pain, suffering, loss or rejection? Have we not survived the most intense of these with flying colors? Of course we have. We're alive and well today. It's not good enough to just wallow in loss forever. I won't prescribe to that notion. No, shake off the troubles, stand up and walk on. Rise up, it's gonna be a good year. Out of the darkness! I'll tell you, I love you.

A little note about your sadness...

I was thinking about the present, the past, possibilities...about accepting pain and loss and accepting that some scars will always hurt just like some happy memories will always bring a smile. When we choose action over contemplation, we risk our safety and we take a step onto the road of uncertainty. It seems as though the difficult times are simply a numbers game. I say to myself, "You will suffer a bit, until you don't anymore." I'm accepting the pain of the future too. Accepting that these things will come and go through a lifetime of ups and downs. In that I also accept that joy is waiting too. Looking backward tells me that both are on the menu, and never in such great quantities that they don't offset each other. What amazing things I've seen, what divine bliss I've felt, the people I've shared it with...unbelievable. What suffering, what heartache, what troubles...unbearable. Yet here I am. I'm in the middle, my love is wider than wide. I am constantly renewed by hope and the enduring spirit of life itself. And now I'm waiting again. Patient. I am in the quiet center. I'm ready for what is next, I am unafraid, but cautious, careful and calculating. I accept that all things do not go how I would want them. I am ready for the time when something does go my way. Something that I cannot deny. Ready to run, but able to rest.