Music?

More than any other thing, music has defined my life, the guitar my partner, writing words my necessary outlet. I fell in love with music early. I am built with comparatively intensified, focused and heightened emotions and found music to absolutely transform me. I don't make music to invoke emotion or to reach some goal. I make music because it made me. Sometimes I'm a mess, sometimes I'm golden. I feel. I feel. Often I am separated from my fellow man as a result of these philosophies borne of this love. When I started playing guitar when I was just a child, I knew I was supposed to be working on this challenge. I had so far to go, but I liked the fact that it held such a steep learning curve with the ever-obvious rewards to be reaped from studying this instrument. Who I would be. Later on, I was something of a utility guitar player. Making music was like reciting memorized lines with other people who had memorized the same lines. Learning other's songs. Imitation. Then I began writing music from the same mentality. More memorized phrases that I had created, but still a preconceived idea and neatly boxed an idea. Rules. These phases were all supported by outside forces. Those that don't dig so deep into music enjoy your memorized passages and accept them as "real". Good people. I wasn't satisfied. I needed more, I heard more. I could be more. Then my eyes and ears opened to this new realization. I should just let go. With my hands and mind on all these rules for so long, I finally let them go. No fear. Mistakes are not mistakes at all. A new challenge. I hear this music in my head, on the drive into work, when I'm in the shower, when I can't get you off my mind, when I'm enjoying some Chik-Fil-A, when I'm sleeping, in mid-playing, and it needs to come out...now. And when I let go, it comes out. Trust in myself. To get in line with that creation to the point where there is no thinking, just music. The challenge has subsided on the guitar some and I don't reach for that lovely instrument as much these days. I've been enjoying just listening to some great music and letting it fill me. I've been playing in casual settings with good friends and enjoying exploring the many places a good jam can go. Words still hold the power. Words in music reach so far within. I write in the same manner as I play guitar. Just let it come, unafraid. It's all love, it's art, if I can claim such a thing. If I were to attempt to hold this in, I believe I'd burst. I'd be some kind of sinner if I denied it. Just a flow that is perfectly natural if not a little difficult to understand or know exactly what to do with all the time. Right or wrong, music has become this backdrop to everything else that I am. I am musician who runs, a musician with a day job, a musician with a son. Looking back to the begining, I realize I made that choice a long time ago and I debate whether or not to let that go too. Maybe just be a great "me" and not worry so much about my backdrop. Our backdrops should be the love we have for each other. Everything else should flow from that great truth. There are greater things to be a part of then the selfserving nature of music, despite its beauty. I only ever wanted to make beautiful music, but now I just want to have a beautiful life. Maybe that means making music, maybe not?