Rusty Cage

If change is the only constant, then I am once again a believer. I've caught a new wave of strength, of purpose, and I'm swinging with my feet planted. I feel the weakness shedding away and a surge of something deep and moving me along each day with confidence. I'm in control and it's time to get this life on track again. Time to right the ship, to head back down my path the way I was meant to. I know myself and I'm ready to make my choices. No longer grasping at straws, I'm pushing off the rock.

RUSTY CAGE - SOUNDGARDEN

One more day

So it's my birthday tomorrow. Yep, getting older and all. Of course I did just have some drunken woman grab me by both arms and declare that I was 23...nice of her, but I think it's a bit flipped. I've just spent a lovely two weeks in Seattle, getting out of my bubble for a bit. It was good to get some outside perspective, there's a few things in my life to rearrange and so I'm back to get working on it. I got some good juju happening it seems, so I'm just rolling with it. I'm putting some trust in serendipity and finding a new peace. It's gonna have to be okay :)

FLOAT ON - MODEST MOUSE

hmmm

hmmm...This could work! This could work...

I'm going to be careful...

DIRE STRAITS - WHY WORRY

Applying the lesson

It's an odd time when you see yourself through more mature eyes. When I see that I can fall into the same situations, the same positions that have proven to be fruitless or harmful in the past, I suddenly will feel a sense of responsibility come over me. A sense that I need to take corrective action or gauge my responses carefully in order to navigate to a higher place...high above the mucky-muck. And sometimes I fail. I forget or allow something and relive the lesson. I've got to chalk it up to another lesson learned. So we all waste a little time...or maybe alot of time, but we can improve too. The worst thing we could do is just give up, stop living altogether. So I'm applying the lessons of a thousand crashed bicycles, a hundred skinned knees and a few broken hearts. Another season is upon me and who knows what it will bring. I'm feeling pretty good, hope you are too...and maybe, if we're careful, we could keep it that way :)

REGINA SPEKTOR - FOLDING CHAIR

Habitat for Humanity

I was on the outskirts of a discussion about divorce this morning. A coworker is in the middle of his proceedings and is telling his tale in that "This is so nuts, that it could only have happened to me alone"...but one by one, 4 of us chimed in with our own tidbits of how we related and I think we all started to breathe a bit easier. We talked about splitting up things, like retirement funds, vehicles and of course, the home. Then, from another place altogether, a friend shares her feelings of loss over her failed marriage, feelings she buried and has been hiding for some time. Feelings that are rooting out. She shares a song. My heart is strong today, but, with no one to eclipse the pain, it touches on my own lost loves as usual. I think of the place called "home". The phrase "home is where the heart is". The truth behind the trite simplicity. It takes at least two people to make a home, and it doesn't matter where that home is, or how lavish - or sparse it may be. Home can be a tiny place, but it can be the warmest and most welcoming place if it's filled with love. And sometimes it's lost, and what we call and consider home...is no longer there. It becomes a ghost while reality is pulling you down the road, your soul begs to stay behind. Division. Collecting pieces of yourself across the bare expanse, letting other's pieces go. The hardest of all, but the final test. And maybe you get hold of yourself, maybe you set up shop and keep it clean, maybe you keep your arms open and learn to be honest. Maybe a new home is being made, a foundation being laid. There is always a new day, a new place to begin. Let's be there today.

HOME - FOO FIGHTERS

Diamonds on the soles of our shoes

I write out this mess, I share myself because life is hard too bear alone, or couped up, anyway. I've got this walkin' blues that I've got to shed, got people and the past to love, honor and respect, to leave behind and a new road to pick up. I've got good people in my life, good friends and good times. My son and I have the best times, just doing whatever. I sometimes feel like I've got this massive, over sized, dirty old bag full of pain that I've grown strong enough to carry most days, other days it's like it's not even there, I run with smiles, still other days have me crushed and unable to move due to it. When I'm under it, I start writing, or singing, playing guitar or something that helps me deal with the pressure. Positive music brings me back up. I can do it. I can let go of that pain. The real test is not how much we can bear, but how much we can let go of. How much we can forgive, how much we can love, how we can forgive ourselves and let the light shine on our lives.

PAUL SIMON - DIAMONDS ON THE SOLES OF HER SHOES

You might also like the Bacon Brothers??

No. I wouldn't. Thanks for the recommendation though. I gotta take a minute to just say that I love music. No, let me make that clear. I LOVE MUSIC. I want to protect it's honor, I want to treat it right. I want to help people understand that it just touches on us, passes through us, and those of us lucky enough to feel that channel, deep down, should also recognize it's not ours to take credit for. Now, nobody is going to convince the world to abandon it's worship of its pop stars. And the people that live down that road, well, I wish them well. It's just that my appreciation for music is of the most sincere resolve. How quickly people take it and claim it, pervert it, use it to their advantage. It doesn't force itself on you, it's your beautiful garden to hoe as you please. Asking nothing in return, allowing any trespass. Paint it black. Define yourself by it. Turn a nose in favor of your genre, against all others. Or better yet, flow with it, go with it and don't guide it. Listen to where it might go. Let it take you. It's the music and not the artist that holds the magic. It's those sounds that get our hearts beating together, it's the singers that sometimes speak in tongues with just the right prayers...all by accidental understanding, accidental touching on the moment in such sheer perfection, even while rushing down twisted paths, but crossing the path to truth and beauty in those perfect moments. I've been trying to work this out, I think, in the background, for sometime. All of the beauty, all of the sharing, non of the selfishness, non of the pride. Yes! This is our hour of understanding!

Something to listen to :)
ONE FOR THE TEAM - GARDEN

Sleeper

I woke up from another strange dream. I've had so little sleep, but dreamt with such intensity. Always my vehicles involved, a metaphor for my life. Driving backward, the unfair junkyard, the ride...a kiss. No need to interpret. Today's words are just a smattering of thought. I'm not fully here. Coffee was good. Convo with a friend was good. The show last night was good. On stage again...baby steps. That girl was from Providence!? Caulk up another "oh well, lesson learned". Into the great wide open. Walk down the street with the wind. This day was made for me. Smile through the lazy eyes. A rest, a change on the tipping point. A real woman reminds me of the good people in this world. A real friend comes to give and receive comfort. Mmm...a good meal and a chance to touch on the performance side again. Left my boots. Who cares. Need some new clothes anyway. I hear those words so clearly "There is a hopeless sigh, There is a hope inside". A cute woman calls me out at the party and I laugh at her accuracy and enjoy the moment. I enjoy my friends and destroy at Air Hockey in a group where I can't help but belong. We've defined each other. A cramp in my right leg...the ache seems to be fading like the rise and fall of a bad date - no time at all really. New confusion combined with new clarity. A new song. Best one ever. Must get to that nap and finish what I started. Good mood :) Sleepy ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

On catharthis

It's true that the older you get, the less you know and the more you are comfortable with not knowing everything. For example, I didn't know I was holding onto pain from the past. A part of my broken heart that I forgot about in all the chaos. I thought I worked it all out, but it was there all along and it finally festered out almost violently and unexpectedly the other night. I was listening to some music and the flood came rushing. I had to call my lost love, tell her I still felt her, still loved her and missed her terribly, but I needed to move on, needed to have that piece of me back. I almost couldn't breath or see through the tears and wails that came rising from this most damaged place. A wound I thought had healed completely some time ago. She listened and comforted me. Let me know she understood and would work to oblige my need to be whole, as she needs to let go as well. She told me that I was on her mind all day, that I contacted her just as she was listening to me sing a song that brought us together and had "us" squarely on her mind. Over such time and space. My prayers. Our fate, our choices. There is more than meets the eye. We can only hope to play our role as sincerely as possible. I joke with my friends and lovers about the super-galactic oneness plane that we share. The joke is actually the accepting of a connection that needs not be explained or questioned. Thanks to this truth, I am set free and thankful. I welcome this cleansing, despite the tears and deep emotional pain. Bring it on. Yes, I will continue and be whole and new. I have much to hope for, much to be thankful for...don't we all.

Anything you put your mind to...

Miss you today. I finished another goal. I climbed another mountain, just to prove that nothing hurts like not having you in my life. To prove I'm strong, but it means so little compared to how powerful, sublime and effortless love can be. I've pushed this body farther than ever, pushed my resolve, my endurance. I've tested this mind and spirit with the limits of it's patience. I've used that pain to improve my health both physically and mentally. I have accomplished that which I set out to do, I've done it well. It doesn't come close to how much I need you. It never could. So I am here today, in this knowledge, about to head down another road. You're the one thing I can't control and would not choose to, the one thing that overrides all others and yet I can not gain or lose you through any of my own doing. They aren't my reins to hold. I know you are coming back into my life on your own timing, in your own way. I miss you. I can do anything I put my mind toward, but I can't make just anyone love me. So I wait and work patiently in the wings. I keep my eyes open. And open still. I keep my head up, keep a smile and stay alert. We know it's on its way. I am ready.

Panic! In the pool

In my recent adventure in triathlon training, I've learned quite a bit about this body of mine. First off, I'm a runner...a runner through and through...I love it. Put me on the road and I'll go all Forest Gump on you. I really like riding bicycles, road bikes, mountain bikes...that's all great, can't beat it. Swimming. Swimming is great on a sunny day with friends or a few laps at the pool, sure. Now imagine your a latent aquaphobe who's about to swim in his first race which begins with a nice mile long swim in the ocean. Imagine you've been training at a gym in a controlled environment. You're gonna be a little apprehensive. So I pushed it the other night at the pool, pushed myself into a panic. My heart raced, I gasped for air, I felt the terror come over me and swallowed air, water. My rhythm was gone, my ability to be consistent faltered. I had a choice to make. Drowning wasn't an option, so I had to decide between giving up the swim, standing up and taking a minute to gather myself or find a way out. I have not come this far to let fear get the best of me. No. I found a voice in me that guided me through. A voice of clear and simple reason. It said, couldn't this be caused by trying too hard? Couldn't this be just a result of your heart racing too fast? Try to slow down just a bit, but don't give up. For a moment, that was the only thought that sustained. The fear subsided, the panic echoed away and I caught my breath. My heart slowed and I regained control. Today, I'm thinking this is a good metaphor for anything that gets our hairs raising, anything that we may accidentally "over-do" in our excitement. I get that same feeling when doing something physically dangerous for the first time, when meeting new people or approaching women or when I'm in a volatile emotional situation. It's that calm rational voice that can see us through these tough moments. Fear cannot stop us, if we trust that voice. Go slow, ease up for a minute and gather yourself. You want to do your best, so know your limits and be rational and you'll find yourself doing just that.

Know Thyself

Come sinners and saints. Come high and low. Come deep and wide, shallow and the like. The truth is that any of those adjectives could be used to describe me or you at one time or another. Extremes of passion, absent minded moments, the day to day, the warm summer nights and cold desolate winters bring so many shades of our selves to light. I have my weaknesses, I know the ones that can lead to troubles, I know the ones that are just a part of me and I must live with. I have my strengths, those that can serve me, those that go too far. Balance is the key to gentle contentment, but without the extremes we might not see change, we might not grow and learn. Where would we be without mistakes, without risk and reward? Know thyself? Yes! Forgive thyself! Embrace thyself! Reinforce thyself! Punish thyself! Reward thyself! Test thyself! Who are you? You are who, who you are. Let's be whole and accept it for all it's glory and shortcoming.

The speed of it

I'm being rushed off into my new reality and it's brilliant...really it is. Time is flowing so fast and I'm just running to catch up with the potential I am being allowed. It's a good thing. Leaving those hard days behind for now. They had their place, but a new day is in full swing and it's full of contentment, fullfillment and a restful comfort. Just beautiful.

Just a little down

There it is again. I've been so preoccupied with a million tasks lately that I haven't taken so much as a breath. When I did, I felt good, solid, but tired. And yet today, I felt a dip in my positive climb. I'm being manipulated, told half-truths and they make me feel like I can't get where I'm going...but really, they are just hurdles, the kind we all face. There is so much good happening too and so I will weather this storm, it can't rain everyday. Some recent love leaves as easy as it came, I am not troubled, but I feel it's loss. I did not depend on it's crutch, but it made the days pass easier. I tell myself to relax and enjoy this day. To remember that this trouble will pass. To look forward and not behind. This brightness coming around the bend is too bright to ignore. The discouraging voices are desperate and distant, I only pay them mind when I'm absent minded...and so I will be turning this ship back around. I want to see what's coming up. Yes, take me there.

If you believe in redemption...

Powerless as we may be, life is not without its natural rythms and balance. The redemption about me now is undeniable. Deep and thurough. And I am not the one responsible, it was no act of my own. I simply work and keep my head up, eyes on the horizon. The season of hardship passes, the years of struggle fade like the night into morning and again, I'm sure the sun is rising...no illusion, real sunlight this time. I become one. Thankful. What a life.

Nowhere to go

I just learned of another musical kindred who passed away. Walt Redmond was a fixture in the Hampton Roads music scene. I can't help but feel angry and sad. It wells a feeling that I cannot abide. The one where you are absolutely powerless. There's nowhere to go, no amount of honest effort that can change this situation. I had to call a friend and share the sad news, she knew him as well. I can't help but feel like I said all the wrong things...but I know there's no way to say those things the right way. You do your best. I am swept away to the time when I lost my friend Chris. Deep breath. Take some time. It is a part of life and I won't deny it. I will miss seeing him play his songs and I wish his family and friends comfort.

Blake's got a new face.

Change. Change. Change. We are all growing and changing. How about this: I recently caught up with a friend I have not seen in quite a while. And she seems so very different now. We reconnect, but in a new way, on a new day. Both of us changed. Like two strangers who are very comfortable with each other, who perhaps understood each other, but now we begin to understand each other. Still learning who you are, you look at little lost...and a little wiser. Present tense. Makes much more sense.

Hallmark

They don't make a Hallmark card for this...that's all I could come up with. I'm still alone, but I can't say I've been all by myself. Strange, sweet, dramatic days. Transition. Waiting for the real deal to come along. Won't you come along?

Friends in need

I love my friends. They are the best and they make this life truly wonderful. I am truly blessed. I have had many days where I've been down and out, they come and pick me up, carry me through and walk beside me. Now my turn has come to be the crutch. To remind them of the sunshine and the promise of better times. I hope I can find the right words, take the right action, whisper the right prayers and serve them as well as they have served me. It's a most delicate balance of keeping self righteousness at bay, but being in confident in love and redemption. One must keep the slate clean and be ever vigiliant. I must put them first, before myself. I must remove any motivation if I am to be any real help. I must keep reminding myself of this, I must keep reminding myself of this, I must keep reminding myself of this.

Homesick

I rarely feel homesick. I moved far, far away from my hometown when I was 19 and never looked back again. 12 years go by. My parents and brother's family both relocated equally far away from that sleepy little mountain town. I lost all my friends back there, everyone of them stops calling eventually. They all move on and on. When I was divorced, the last of my connections was severed. I have no home...not right now. I long for one. And suddenly, I'll catch a glimpse or accidentally trigger a memory and feel that old heartache. It's lifetimes away. It's becoming more of a fairy tale than a real place. The closest emotion is like remembering somebody close that has passed, or a lost love. I take a minute, I let the pain in, I allow myself the sorrow to honor something beautiful for a moment. Then I must wake from this place. It's only human to feel this. Then it's time to straighten up, stiffen the upper lip, recall the present and place hope in the future. We only miss the things we didn't take for granted. So here we are today, don't forget to be alive here and now. Miss this place. Miss this day. Be here! Be fully here and welcome tomorrow with you head held high! You never know what you might be missing or what's just around the corner. Let's keep going.

The weight of it

It's true that we can become stronger with time, effort and patience. It seems the emotional muscle is not unlike any other in the body. Our stability is dependant upon our testing, the breaking down and rebuilding of a stable emotional state. If we dare to suffer our emotional wounds with honesty and deal with them directly, accepting that they have broken us, then we can heal properly as well. Take time. Allow for regeneration. Feed the soul with a healthy diet of quiet and patient reflection, with help from those we admire and trust. Yes, we shall grow strong. The tests will keep coming, undoubtedly. That's life. As adults, we tend to think that we've done all our growing, but the truth is, we just do it slower than before and we can always improve. We will always be forced to bear the load of new challenges. Let's run out to greet them head on with our love and honesty as our foundation. That's the place to start before all things.

Stubborn

The new season is patiently waiting the last one to give up the ghost. Stubborn, it is. Unwilling to go quietly. Unable to acquiesce gently. A season of principles and determination that deserves respect. A season of strength in the face of adversity. But, like all things, its time has passed. I see it hanging on desperately in fury and rage at the unfairness of its expiration. I see its tired heart yearning for release and the conflict within. Will against nature. Nature wins...always. But what can be said about a stubborn attitude and resolve? Surely there is more than a bit of good that comes from being steadfast. If all we see is the last portion of its life, where "steadfast" turns to "stubborn", then we are missing the part worth honoring. Change comes to all things, it is constant and undeniable. We must learn where to plant our flags for a time, and when to pull up roots as well. We must be vigilant in understanding both, picking the right battles to wage for all time and also allowing others to affect us and mold us in a new way. We are always given a restart with each new season, even if we have a good thing figured out. Who will we be?

Too many mutha uckers

I love it when I feel the layers of bull being ripped away. The baggage being loosed, the truth rising up and out like the sap that fills a tree in springtime. The shedding of dead skin and birth of a new life...or a reconnection to the source itself. We do indeed let a layer of emotions fall around us and it's a drag. It's confusing and disheartening. Like a scab that first forms to protect us, later naturally removes itself and reveals the remade flesh. So the stone is removed again and I am whole. Now I'm chopping through red tape like a ninja on a mission, multiplexing and flexing my renewed energy. Each mutha-ucker is just an easy obstacle, and I mean them no harm. Back to the front.

Here's goes nothin'

I feel like I'm on the edge, about to jump into the river. A new height. The first roller coaster of the season. Some hesitation, some fear, but resolve and knowledge that I am going for it. It will happen. Risk. Reward. Destruction. The unknown. The rush is real, adrenaline rising. I've come here with purpose. It's not a hill, it's a mountain. I will keep climbing.

Follow through

What is it to follow through? What does it take to make a plan, execute and see it done? It's the cold hard action of the moment where the rubber meets the road. It's in waking up, going out and making it happen, whatever "it" is. So many lack that ability, their ideas are grand but their resolve is momentary, at best. I cannot live like that. Ideas don't excite me as much as seeing them in action and being a part of that action, in seeing the movement take place that is required for their fruition. I will live in a forward and positive manner. I will see these goals, ideas and plans through. Will you? Somewhere in all the hard work, is a joy and a contentment unparalleled. There is freedom and accomplishment in working towards a positive end. Yes. I am become life, the builder of worlds.

Multi-tasking in the Bi-polar Whirlwind

Things are moving so quickly and there are lots of goings on. I have friends that are in need. I've decided to buy a house. I'm training for my first triathlon. Work is keeping me busy for the first time in a while. Every phone call is somebody selling me something, or someone close to me who needs an ear. I text. I M. I run a thousand errands just to keep the machine turning and it feels fine. Yesterday I bought my first real road bike, man is it pretty. I'm at the gym, I'm on the road, I'm on the job. In the quiet, I'm alone and getting more restless for companionship. Yes I'm lonely despite all the distraction and busy-busy bustling. I could use some love, couldn't we all? I feel as though that person is not necessarily in my life at the moment. The one woman I have an interest in is not reciprocating, and though it's tough, that's a fact I simply live with. Others are interested in me and yet I simply don't feel romantic towards them. Irony. Life. Funny how I have all these tasks to accomplish, these duties to fulfill, a laundry list of items to address and yet my need for love trumps them all. There behind the curtain is a looming desire for a partner in my life. I'm happy enough to get by, the spring breaking over the land brings me renewed energy and I look forward to a future that I'm building one day at a time. It seems I can't control the time or place of my fulfillment. Every time I've been graced with love, it's come from left field when I least expected it and so, again, I stand ready to receive. I'm hoping for a lasting relationship in whatever comes next. Either way, I guess I stay pretty busy.

Dragon boots

I feel these tired legs sometimes try to keep me from my own destinations. I carry the same type of weight that we all acquire over time. But I know there is a way to shed this dead skin. A way to be free of unnecessary burden. Come sweet inspiration. Come alive. Fight. Fight the good fight and know it is right. Now comes the music, the rebellion that is life itself. Do you know the electricity that you create inside yourself? Come alive. To rise up on the surface. To gain the speed and set up for another ride. Believe in yourself. Know that you can. You are going to be alive, you might as well do all you can to be yourself. Don't listen to the rabble, or those that want to criticise. They are the frightened ones, safe behind their judgements, unwilling to venture their own ante into the pile. Above and beyond all that mess. Into the light and keep your eye on that horizon. The better place to be.

I'm sorry

It seems no matter how much you strive to live a good life, to treat others well and respect your fellow man...you're going to hurt others anyway. It's sad and difficult to accept. So I am sorry for the trespasses I make and I need forgiveness. I guess we all simply make bad decisions from time to time. Sometimes we aren't given the chance to address those we know we have hurt, to directly ask for our forgiveness. It's those instances that are most difficult to accept. All we can do is know that we do feel regret and shame, at the same time we can forgive those who have done us wrong. It's a balance that is necessary if we want to love one another. So I am sorry and I forgive you too.

Rediscovering foundations

For many of my youthful years I was curiously grounded. I married early, had a child and was focused, hard at work, at school, professionally and personally. I kept my head down and just carried on and on through the days. Then the whole ship went down. The whole ship. Oh yeah. Hindenburg style. Watch it burn :) But I've gone far beyond crying over spilt milk at this point. The fact remains, when my marriage ended, my business failed, and my dreams lay crushed beneath the rubble of a thousand bad decisions and some rotten luck...I found myself starting over at square one a full 10 years later...I wasn't so grounded anymore. I knew somewhere in me was the ability to be on track, to hold a line and base my life in general upon some ideal. Yet I've found myself falling through space without a teather. I had abandoned all the things that I used to engage in...I felt that somewhere in there was the trouble that caused the failure of all things in my life and so I would grasp at some new straws, learn some new rules, explore new horizons. I found so many different ways to approach life...but no solid ground. The only traction I discovered came along through being creative. By choosing to create, I was choosing to move forward, to add to this world and no longer take away. I found new values spring from it. Simplicity at first. Truth. Now they've grown into action, passion and appreciation. I sang some songs the other day for the first time in months. It felt good. I'm making plans, working on a new future. Open to the idea that life goes on and on. Joyful.

Those sentimental blues

Do you feel your grip ever tight around a lifetime of experiences? Steering our vision, our perception, and our ability to process new information. The blinders. Our presumed wisdom becoming a narrow and unforgiving path. A hallway that never ends. A self-destructive cacoon, the finger trap of our own making. It is our nature to hold on to these lessons in life, but also it is natural and healthy to let them go, to shed our hard fast rules and our past troubles. They must be laid down if we are to bound forward once more. They must be allowed to pass away in the dust and wind, to drift off into the waters and return to their source. Even those that bring joy and those that bring sweetness. Even the experiences that keep us "safe" and the ones that we swore to never abandon, for they have passed and our holding on no longer serves the good. Life is forward, not behind. What we would dare, what we would dream and the steps we take today are where the spring of life is found. Yes we have honor for that which is past, but we must honor ourselves and this day first and foremost. We must lay these burdons about our feet and walk away, we must accept that life is renewed each day, every moment, if we want it. I want it. I want life. I want to be swept up in that river and leave the pain on the riverside. Today and for all days to come.

And the winner is...

What is competition? Are we supposed to view life as a battle to be fought, a war to wage, a championship to win? Outlast, out-think, out-manuver and overcome. I think these are fair questions that are not easily dismissed with definates. I wish to see the big picture on this idea. Where there is improvement and acomplishment in competetiveness, there is also dangerous pride and a ranking of worth based on limited factors. If we don't engage in the very natural practice of competition, are we negating an essential part of what it means to be human? Or, by eleminating the competetive spirit, are we not evoving as a species and in fact, helping to define the very thing that seperates us from the animals by choosing rational over instinct? There is an ever present plethora of competitions and competitors for us to engage with, from our work place, the daily commute, social status, etc. Every hobby has contests. Everyone fighting for the highest rank they can achieve in each. Clawing and scratching with razors sharp skills keenly aware of their goals, or fumbling blindly and chasing a dangling carrot. Each of us are in the game. Even art! We allow our art to be judged, to be catagorized and homoginized and legitimized by experts or by the masses or by computer generated score cards. I am torn on the idea. I want to reject the idea that I have to compete to be of any value. I feel the truth there about our feet. But I move, I speak, I have ideas and share them, I create. I am, therefore I compete. It's peace with my own place that is troubling. That I have more, am more and can be more than others. That I defeat others without a sound. I am a conquorer, but have no desire to harm another living soul or surpress them in any way. I too am defeated, I feel the cleats of climbers with my shoulders as stepping stones. I give way. I succumb. Some of them come with purpose, some with anger, some with indifference and still some bring a humble and benevolent quality and I support without remorse. This is the competitor I must strive to be. The humble. The thankful. The strong and hard working, but not prideful. We each have our goals, we each are involved if we wake in the morning and go out into the world. Let us love each other and ourselves in our competition. Let us not fight, but grow and evolve, overcome and acomplish. Let us help others find their way and let ourselves be found as well. We can't give up, it's not going to happen, so let's work together in our struggles and find the way to appreciate every step we take. Here is the big picture, we win by finding this peace, we win our souls and our place in a difficult world.

Have a very Merry Christmas

It's Christmas, the New Year and time to endulge some sentiment. This year has been quite a journey, from a low point to a high one, to another low and ending in some balance and hope. I've learned alot about myself this year, or rather, I've learned that I can be in control of myself and comfort myself when times get hard and life becomes a struggle. I found so much good music to enjoy. I had some interesting travels. Fell in love. Broke a heart as gently as possible. Made some peace with myself and being alone. Made some new friends. Played some music, less than before though. Started on some bigger plans. Worked some. Played some. I've yet to feel that old Christmas feeling and it's Christmas eve tomorrow. I hope it comes. I hope my family, friends and loved ones have a wonderful break from the routine. A little magic, a little spell. The world sitting still to appreciate the moment.

I'm still livin'

Funny how enduring we are, despite ourselves. Each layer shed feels like it should be the end, but we move on and on. While we have been hanging on to the past, the future has opened up and surrounded us. The present is at hand and we are not gone, just new. I wish be at terms with my temporary immortality. What is it again that we fear? Pain, suffering, loss or rejection? Have we not survived the most intense of these with flying colors? Of course we have. We're alive and well today. It's not good enough to just wallow in loss forever. I won't prescribe to that notion. No, shake off the troubles, stand up and walk on. Rise up, it's gonna be a good year. Out of the darkness! I'll tell you, I love you.

A little note about your sadness...

I was thinking about the present, the past, possibilities...about accepting pain and loss and accepting that some scars will always hurt just like some happy memories will always bring a smile. When we choose action over contemplation, we risk our safety and we take a step onto the road of uncertainty. It seems as though the difficult times are simply a numbers game. I say to myself, "You will suffer a bit, until you don't anymore." I'm accepting the pain of the future too. Accepting that these things will come and go through a lifetime of ups and downs. In that I also accept that joy is waiting too. Looking backward tells me that both are on the menu, and never in such great quantities that they don't offset each other. What amazing things I've seen, what divine bliss I've felt, the people I've shared it with...unbelievable. What suffering, what heartache, what troubles...unbearable. Yet here I am. I'm in the middle, my love is wider than wide. I am constantly renewed by hope and the enduring spirit of life itself. And now I'm waiting again. Patient. I am in the quiet center. I'm ready for what is next, I am unafraid, but cautious, careful and calculating. I accept that all things do not go how I would want them. I am ready for the time when something does go my way. Something that I cannot deny. Ready to run, but able to rest.

Alone

I suppose we all end up alone sometimes. It can be a deep and sinking feeling, not knowing what to do with yourself. I read a book or run. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and pout, but then I think of my Mom saying, "Put away that big lower lip". When that self-pity comes over me, I'm learning to go ahead and do something about it. Self-pity is the sanctuary of the weak and depressed, a place that is not worth the time or effort, or lack-there-of. This time I am alone by choice, but I won't be alone forever. Deep breath. Keep moving.

11:11 Eleven Eleven 11/11 Read Me

Yeah, I see it too. Almost every day. I have been for years. You're not alone. You wonder what's up. You look for answers on the Internet and find a few folks telling you all the secrets of the universe. You're skeptical and rational. It's probably just a deep neural track that's been firing every time elevens end up in your peripheral vision. A track that is dug deeper and deeper while you search for answers and attach more intrigue to your search for reason. But no! How odd, look at that, another chance encounter and another. Price tags and licence plates, phone numbers and addresses. Look how greedy your eyes are for it. 11:11. They stand out like bold face print for some reason. It's their shape, something about the shape. Perfect symmetry. The same thing we humans look for subconsciously in a mate. It rises out of the crowd of information as we swamp our minds in the new age of digital media. These other shapes and letters and words don't appeal quite the same. 11:11. It's beautiful in that sense. Calming. Are you a light bearer? What the heck? I'm a designer and a musician. I like Red Bull and distance running. Stupid movies and beer. I like this here planet earth and I wouldn't mind staying grounded on it. I see it more often when my emotions run high, when I'm not at my sharpest. When I'm searching for answers. It reminds me to love, to be thankful because I decided that's what I will think of when I see it. I could choose to have it remind me to check my bank account if I wanted. But there I am at a random concert and the band is named Eleven Eleven. There I went finishing up an album last year and released it on 11/11...without realizing it...ha. Over and over, I know. Why not use that as a moment of positive reflection? So are there angels in the outfield? Truthfully, I say we don't know, but there are worse things to believe in. Is it pointless, is it empty and meaningless? Sure, if that's how you want to live. You get to choose. I'm coming to terms with the idea of this life being a little bit of magic and little bit of oil changes. A few angels and a few ex-girlfriends. Maybe that's not so bad. I'm just glad to be here and I hope you are too. Hey, let's turn it into a drinking game, here's a shot on me 11:11 :)

Elephants and Rock-n-Roll

Something about her...what was it? I knew from the instant I met her that we would have a story. I didn't know it would be so tragic at the end, I didn't know it would be so amazing and adventurous. I'll never forget meeting her. I remember coming around that corner in your parent's house, and seeing you just chillin' in a hoodie and probably shaking off a hangover. I was immediately attracted. Months went by and I saw you again when my travels brought me your way, both of us involved and only able to politely exchange glances that seemed to ignite something in us. We came to life on a dark night in Oxford, OH. I held your hand, you held mine. We drank too much, we talked all night, we snuck around that house after everyone was sleeping. You came to my bed and laid with me and we gently fell asleep. Awake! You dash away and I lay puzzled with myself, happy with a connection, stressed over the enormity of the feelings that were inevitably going to overcome me. A hug, a goodbye. An email or two. What to do? You came to North Carolina and we were together again for more nights in the bars, travelling with the band, sleeping in another random bedroom together again, drinking again. Neither of us wanted to stop it. You listened, you talked. We laughed and I found myself determined to let this be, despite the hardship it invited. One more show before you had to go. I ask if I can kiss you and you say no. I accept it and play my heart out on stage. You change your mind. A text message. An elevator. Our kiss. We own the moment. And on to the reality. My marriage ends. You leave your beau. We clear the way for love. My life takes one of it biggest turns, I leave it all behind. The New Year. Hardship and bliss balance themselves. Your arms greet me so completely when we see each other over the next few months. All I need. You moved to me. We travel everywhere. I wasn't sure I wanted to live together, but I couldn't see not being near you either. The sliver enters. We make the most of our life, and you hung in with me through a number of difficulties in my life. You were my partner in my work. Warm and comforting in the worst of times. Thank you. Smothering and overly needy in the good times. I couldn't breathe when the spring peaked its head around that corner. I told you I needed space. I loved you like no other. I tried to be honest. I didn't want to lose you. Jealousy. Miscommunication. Misunderstanding. You were weak. My body shuddered. You weren't there. Lies exposed. You're leaving, there is another. Broken. The stars hang over the street and you tell me it's over. Pain, the kind only time can heal. Your sweet smile and loving embrace became something ugly and terrible. We sputter and die. I almost didn't survive, but I did, I grew ever stronger. I let these trials pass and come to understand them. True colors arise. I am whole and you are my friend even if you hurt me so. Another triumph of forgiveness and time, of love and patience. You are well on your way down a different path and I wish you well. We are forever a part of each other's story.

A certain level of confusion

It would be fair to say that I am always learning. I find strength and belief in one place and then find its downfall. I anchor to a rock and watch it crumble away. Each time it happens I find I am becoming stronger, I am becoming my own rock. How much more must I learn? I've never had a relationship go quite like this last one. So simple, honest and easy at first, and then I watched her grow so desperately afraid of losing me at every turn. She lost herself, forgot herself, negated herself and I felt alone with her. I've never had to say goodbye in such calm seas. I've never hurt someone so badly while being absolutely sure it was the right choice. The confusion sets in and yet it dries up immediately. I am fine, life is good, I am happy. The future, the present and everything in between is looking upward. I am not guilty. I was honest and made a choice that will eventually serve both of us. And now, I understand the trials that others have gone through in a new way. This is an odd time. I didn't expect to feel so very "alright" so soon, but indeed I do. I'm not even sure I need a relationship right now. I want to spend some time feeling fine. What is it to break a heart? I've had mine swiped from me a few times. It's a pain that lasts a lifetime. It's the end of a love which does not end. It's the necessary detachment of one who is going away and the murder of the other's soul. Wholeness denied. Cold and calm on the side of those who leave, hot and tumultuous on the other. Finality. So I send these meaningless apologies for your suffering out into space, never to be felt. You are on your own my dear. If it weren't for honesty, I'd be by your side and I'd keep pretending everything was blissfully okay between us. It's not and it will never be. You never knew me, I never knew you. Confused? Sure I'm confused. I loved this person deeply and truly, then suddenly felt it die and shrivel into the darkness in almost no time. Somehow, I'm alright though. My best guess is to keep moving, be happy and not take this time for granted. How much more should I complain? I thank my lucky stars I am alive and well in this world. These days are so different now. I'm home.

Doesn't Remind Me of Anything

I want to go to Japan. I want to see something I've never seen. I want to be somewhere I've never been.

It's time

Like the end of a book, I pull away from this story of pain and recovery. Someone is taking my hand and walking me to another room. This long day is done. Now tears of joy because I know I have been found again. Yes I am ready. No I will not fear. Through the door. This chance is more than just chance. I will not take it for granted. She has the keys to a new home, a place to rest, to thrive, to admire and to live again. A place to share and defend. Something simple and true. Be yourself, I'll be myself and we'll be together. Lucky ones are we till it's over, the sun has peaked through the clouds. Forever be around and around and around.

Everything ahead of us

If I had the words, they would be too many, they would not be enough. That's the feeling I'm feeling. A calm peace. How about a thank you. Something with no comparisons. If nothing else was right before, then I don't want comparisons. It's getting better. Can you see this story make sense? And now I hear something say, "You're going home.". It's coming from the place that used to howl with the empty hole of an attempt to be in control. Just let it be, just be happy. Enjoy this life and live like everyday is your first, not your last. Allow the growth and change, be strong and whole. Be simple. Treat others right. Stand by your word and don't let others down. Come back home and don't ever forget to be honest. Trust. Believe in this new life. If you've got a dream, then live it, just be sure to let love lead you. Come on home, everything is ahead of us.

Set it right

Set it off now children.

So careful

I want to be so very careful with this new thing. This new chance. It would seem I'm learning to be patient, to be wise, but it's new territory for me...and maybe that's the best part of all. Maturity and all...how strange.

Oh yeah, I'm awesome

Do you ever feel the universe speaking directly to you? That subtle reflection of your subconscious thought. The road signs that tell you exactly what you already know...or what you don't know you know, you know. Most of the time it's a little more than subtle for me. Like fucking sirens blasting in my face everywhere I turn until I just step through the door and come to life. And it's life itself that is calling me back this time. The world flipped back over to my side. About to make sense. About to say goodbye. About to say hello. Saved again. The big cycle continues and I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm the big love. I'm the giant undertow. There's nothing wrong with me, this is who I'm supposed to be. Back in the ring. Standing again. Smiling. My turn. Let me throw a punch.

Moderation?

I just don't when to shut up sometimes. I go from keeping my big mouth shut to making an ass of myself so very quickly. My brain seems to move very fast from one point to another and sometimes I miss the in-between part that may or may not contain pertinent information. Man, I'm an idiot sometimes.

Fields of gold

Digging deeper. To the root of it then. Back to the start of these heavy days. They started so much like children playing with fire, unaware of the danger and enticed by the excitement of touching real power. She was mine in no time, or rather, I was hers in no time. I was 16 years old and in love for the first time. She was 19, beautiful and dangerous. What beauty...everything about her made me weak. Magnetism. Rich and lush in the summer of freedom and adventure. It was early November of my senior year of high school when I found out she was pregnant, when I found out she had kept that from me for two months and I had to rearrange my life, my future. It took me some time to come to terms with that fact, but nevertheless I am just fine with that turn of events...without a doubt. Our son is the greatest treasure in either of our lives. When we moved to Maine in January that winter, it was my first great adventure, my first chance to be on my own and prove my worth. I did it with my head held high. I remember that trip like it was yesterday, driving across country in a pickup truck, 17 and scared, listening to music and seeing the northeast for the first time. I was in completely, we walked that line together, she and I together in love and determination. I was her man, her number one love and she was mine. We forged a life hand in hand. Then it happened. The hardest truth is that when our son was born, I was abruptly moved to second place in her life and I felt that deeply and it shook my foundation. We were married, we moved back to Idaho, another trip. I worked at a saw mill in much hardship and felt the slip from her most desperate love, to simply the father of her child. I fell into a depression and struggled to find other means of fulfilling my bleeding heart. Music came along and tried to fill the gap. I moved us to the east coast, to Virginia under the assumption of finding something more here to help with the now chronic hole in my untried heart. Instead our divide grew more disparaging. I worked more, she worked more. Deep and terrible depression came like waves of black on a endless sea. I rose from the waters tainted. Before my thought, my soul said "I will find love again, by any means necessary". Our financial stability took off, we had nice things, for a short period we started to make it work and it really felt like a good thing was happening. It probably was. But I believe we both had too much of some devil residing in us at that point. Our last sunny season turned so slowly, it was the Indian summer of our love when I started to build up my new band. When I felt so strong. When I felt the twinge of heartache again and moved on a selfish moment. When I slept with the other woman and made my mistake. When I doomed our lives together, if they hadn't been doomed all along. A few years went by after that incident, but nothing was the same. We were domestic partners with privileges. My heart turned toward still another who gave me what I needed in companionship if not in a physical sense...when she left, I was in serious trouble. We tumbled and spun farther away from each other in a terrible way. I was without a partner and I was responsible. I met someone and began the cycle again...so I took some time around another new year to make my decision. I felt the weight of the universe upon me. I felt the lies and demons within me try to take my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. To face her, to face all those demons, to face the lies. To be honest. It would have been easier to end myself. When I rose up to meet the truth, I saw them leave me, the shadows of the liar, when I cast them out. They are not welcome with me. I remember collapsing. I remember barely being able to breath. I remember feeling so very sorry for causing her pain. I remember feeling so very hurt. Maybe we were just too young and untried in life to take on such a huge struggle. We didn't mean to hurt anyone. The love I have for her is like a tattoo on my life, a permanence that will always shape my world, but it belongs to a distant past and different time. If apologies could make up for the sorrow, I would say I'm sorry, because I am. I hope in time we all find ourselves forgiven.

The best of you

They took from me, I gave to them all these pieces of me. I left pieces in places that I forgot. I find large parts that were abandoned by those who came and went. I demand the pieces that were stolen by force. I am back together. I'm putting them back in use. I am whole. I am complete today and I am taking my faith back, my complete heart, my complete soul. It's all mine and I have no reason to be sad anymore. My trust is my own. Some doors are locked and shut for all time. I am become something new. I have places to go and a new life to start. Enough time in this recoiled posisition! I'm breaking loose. I choose life. I refuse to give in. I refuse. Time to fucking move on.

A.R.K.

I found out today that you're a momma. It's wonderful...seriously, I am happy for you in all the good ways a person should be. I'm sure you'll be great at it, really great. Love's like that, over time it allows all things to be a blessing and I'm sure your little family is a good thing and I wish you nothing but the best. The other day, you popped into my head...a place you used to to occupy like an invading force, but it's been a while since those days. I thought, "I hope you're doing good. Miss you.". The story replayed again, like an old movie you used to watch all the time and then you watch it again for the first time in a long time...I guess I was young and dumb or full of myself when I met you. I remember your hair and your welcoming presence. I wanted you immediately, but I patiently waited years to have even a little bit of you. I remember asking you to come have lunch with me and how we just sort of started to always have lunch together. I remember laughing with you, sending IMs and working on projects with you. We spent some good times together in those days, even if they were confined to work for the most part. You were taking more and more space in my heart and I suppose I was doing the same in yours. I remember looking at you one day and something inside said "Oh no! I'm in love with her!" and that changed everything in my life. Too late. Fuck it, I'm glad. I remember 9:11. I guess I could have kept it to myself, but you would have got it out of me eventually anyway. I wasn't scared of being honest with you and I wear my emotion right on my sleeve anyway. So we were in love, and there was no way we could be. I had a family, you had a life, we didn't have a chance without disrupting too many lives and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone. Too late. You moved on and on in your outside life. I felt caged and grew more anxious and desperate to find a solution. When you left for 6 months, met your new man and put me 3000 miles behind you, I stayed strong and supported your forward moving life. Inside I was a constant martyr for your love. These are the days that would turn in my head for many days. Where I could have been different. When you came back, it wasn't long before we picked up like before, friends that can't be in love. I remember when you told me you were engaged. I remember trying to smile for you. Broken. Your great exodus was planned...and so was mine. Fucking London. Fucking ambition. When you announced you were quitting, moving, leaving forever, you could have just hit me with a baseball bat, but I said "Congratulations!". If our story ended there, I might have never had done all the things I did, leaving my job, touring, then I learned about myself, found new love, lost it, broke into a thousand pieces and slowly picked them up and did it all again. I might have just huddled up in the corner and lived out my life without testing anything. But you came to our show after you quit, before you left town. You were so very beautiful and perfect that night. The years, the love, all that which could not be - just exploded in our passionate and unavoidable secret kiss in the dark. All our regrets and repression tried to make up for the pain they caused in a flood of emotion. A moment for a lifetime. Love. One week. One week and we spent every moment we could together. One week and you were leaving. One week and I was leaving. It's all we had. I remember you showed up in my favorite Superman T-shirt on that Friday. I remember you weren't supposed to be there. I remember sneaking off with you before the show. I remember walking outside at the end of the night and holding you, kissing you and saying goodbye. That was last time I would ever see you. It was too much to handle. I remember crying once I was home and everyone was gone. Crying till I convulsed on the floor and crawled outside. Crying till I threw up in the street and I was finding ways to hurt myself to displace the pain. I remember thinking I had never felt pain like this. I think I held onto that pain for too long. I think the lingering phone calls and emails after you left were just a reminder of what I lost and I was an addict. You were my love and you were gone forever. A year later I still thought of you regularly and you know, I found someone to talk to about all that, I started to fall for her. Not long after that I decided to leave my marriage. I decided to never lie to myself about my feelings again, I will never live a lie again. I fell in love again, I moved on, I healed and started a new story. I left my job. I played music for a living. My fear left me and I just went for all things that would keep me from feeling like I didn't give my life a real shot. You gave me that babes, you did. It was a hard lesson and a tough time for both of us, but I don't regret a moment of knowing you and the times we had, I wish you the very best in life and I will always love you.

fuck

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck....fuck

Heaven and Hell

There are countless Heavens and Hells in countless religions. There's my thought. There's reality. There's that which we believe, that which we can prove and that which we refuse & reject. Where would I stay forever in perfect harmony? In her arms and lost in her eyes? On a stage in perfect song? As a child, safe and sheltered? In the desert, high on survival? On top of a mountain, silent for all time? Have I not dragged anchor on Hell's lake of fire? Have I not gone numb? Did the flesh not tear away and leave only ash and bone? Did the cold, dark hand of death not open the door and invite me in? What do I know of these places, or feelings? Of change, decline and growth? What do you know? When we are stripped of our heaven and set back to our hell, we must start the long walk back. No matter how cold the winter, there's a springtime ahead. All I know is that I need to keep walking or rather, that I will keep walking through all the time given to me. Back to heaven for all time.

The stone

It was her eyes that struck me, her toes and beautiful smile. At first I didn't even think too hard about her, just a nice person. Hello, nice to meet you. We played some guitar and talked about music. I was freshly wounded...wounded badly and tugging at sanity. Then she eased into my life and I was instantly healed like some wonderful magic had reached into my broken soul and instantly made it all better. I scared her with my appreciation, it was as if I had been given the most incredible gift but she didn't mean to or didn't realize how trans formative it was for me. My art soared, my passion soared, my hope was off and running wide open and so very happy. New ideas, new attitude, new approach...yes, I wanted this, I was living this. Love. Deep and desperate. Dripping with the weight of thousand lifetimes. Profound...on my side. Too much for her. Too intense. I try to hold my feelings at bay, but it was like holding back the ocean from the beach. She takes two steps back, one forward, and back again. She leaves for her home far away and I let her go...but we linger, we talk, we keep it alive, she takes a step closer. I go to visit and I am met with bliss. My heart, her eyes, finally. I wanted to feel like this forever...coma therapy. Completion of the universal need. And just then she dissolved under the weight of it all and said it wouldn't work. My painting changed. Down goes the ship. Another ride into the pit. The debilitating crash of my soul was at hand. Lower and harder than ever before. Big and terrible. I arrive home and awake to very real thoughts of suicide. I hide from the world. I cried for days without speaking to anyone. I didn't eat, I drank. I threw up and drank more and cried more. I was utterly alone and left my heart, my soul, and nearly my very life out on that road. Death was at my door asking to come in. The only thing I could motivate myself to do was to write music and record it. So for two weeks, I sat in my studio alone and wrote music and lyrics. I created an album worth of music out of the shear need to find a distraction from my pain. See if I care. I fell as far from love as a person can and spent months in the recovery room. I am permanantly changed from that experience, molded by the forging of some overwhelming new reality or broken down into a new form that behaves differently. I'm the one who survived and everyday I am aware of just how much stronger and wiser I am because of it. I am both more a defender of love and a defender of my own sanity. I am a believer, a survivor and the person you want on your side thanks to the stone set in my heart.

The art of conversation

Where did it go? Our ability to speak to each other, or carry on a real conversation. To face our daily truth. So often it seems there are those who just can't actually say what they mean, as if they are afraid of their own words. How many times do I see them run and hide from my candid approach to all things. Again fear comes along and shuts the mouths that could be honest, that could be helpful or hopeful. Fear is the opposite of love and must not be given any mercy. It must be squashed completely. It's a terrible thing to live in fear, it will hold you from the blessings that this life has to offer. You will hurt others with your fear, guaranteed. Our fear of being hurt by each other is the last great hurdle. It goes beyond our fear of physical pain or even death. The fear of emotional pain is our great brick wall, the one place we get completely turned around and trapped if we are not careful. We have to shake off that kind of trouble. We have to get up, get back, get moving on. Live again. Try again. Don't give up. Don't let it beat you. NO! Don't let it hurt you anymore. Get right back up on that horse. Get over this latest breakdown or breakthrough and be unafraid. It starts with a conversation, a real one.

How to save the world

You cannot save the world. You can only do your part to fight for what's right and in the end, it's only to save yourself. To save yourself from slipping across the line and becoming a part of the system that destroys in self-serving madness. You have to fight to stay on side of love, of truth and honesty. On the side of positive change for the planet, to end suffering, to stop hate, to shake others free from thier stand-still. You have to fight just to keep on the side of good. You have to be ever vigilant and always ready to do the right thing. Love, love, love. We don't say it nearly enough. The world is going around and nobody is forcing you to do anything about it, but if you just take the ride then you are fading further and further away from your very soul. Hang on for your life, I'll be by your side.

Dilemma! At the Disco.

Everybody run.

Time and time again

It's been a real real, real real, real real long time coming...but I'm seeing my time coming 'round the bend. That long train whistle is singing in my ears and it's saying stand up and get ready for another ride. Take a deep breath, shake off these blues, rub your eyes and stretch those bones. It's early early early on a warm summer morning. Time to go. No need to say a word.

Anesthesia please

Addicts are we. All of us. I find none immune. It's in our very nature to quell the rise of our spirits with the opiate of our choice. And there lies the most important choice we can make. What will you use to fill the void of an enduring life? The options are plenty. Some are bare faced and troublesome...drugs and alcohol. Some lie behind a heavy curtain, dark obsessions and the like. Some are healthy for the body and mind, exercise and study. Some are social, religion and politics, work and education. What a spectrum to explore, our activities. How do we keep them from becoming obsessions? Must we always maintain balance or is the occasional obsession a chance to become an expert in one area or another? Shall we learn to strip away all of these needs and isolate the soul from any influence? Yes, we must be obsessive, we must be quiet, we must be balanced and well rounded. This is our chance to know life from many perspectives, to know the joy and satisfaction of intense study and interaction in a field, to know the beauty, clarity and completeness of a moment without influence. Our dreams and hopes are just pretty pictures that live and die at our finger tips. Actions are the tilled soil of a plan in motion. And what a crop to be harvested if we continue our action. Our own action is the reward or punishment we are ever creating for ourselves. Passion is our commuter lane in the traffic jam of life, our double shot of espresso on the Monday morning of our discontent. A dangerous and wonderful propellant that is both right and riddled with the pitfalls of excess. Shall we not embrace it? Or should we ignore it? The very meaning to our lives is attached to it, but it pulls and rips at our self-control. It launches our pride into the stratosphere if we let it, sometimes we need that, sometimes it destroys us and causes us to fall. Nevertheless, our lives are empty without it. So we need a check valve, a way to control the flow. We need to keep ourselves in check and seek honesty and reality. We must be humble and full of passion and in this way we are whole and balanced.

News news news

It's interesting to me that the world continues to produce the same news over and over again. At first it seems that we are so completely removed from these happenings around the globe. News events to a child's eyes is like a distant story being told, unless of course, the event is happening directly to you and you are actively involved or a part of the story. Then we grow up and slowly start to feel like we are a part of some connected society. We get all wrapped around the axle of these still distant stories. Some can't get enough of their celebrity updates. Some dig their heels into domestic policy. Others take a global look at the environment. Some view the world through their religion's filter. We become adults, strong in character, able to effect change, we raise our voices in the name of our opinion. We take sides...miles from the front lines. We wage war on straw men in office buildings, in Internet news responses, we rein supreme in our ideals. Still the world puts out the same and we remain ineffective. Change comes slow, where the idealistic beliefs of the last generation slowly fade away and are replaced with pragmatic response to survival with the overtones of the high and mighty hopes and dreams for future generations. Only now in this global community we might hope to align those dreams, we might hope to come to our understanding of each other. Would we spend a lifetime in a futile attempt to drive the world to see our point of view? Would this be a life worth living? Would our effort be justified or rewarded? It's that slow change we must support. So odd that the rubber meets the road in social change only in ideas, in attitude, in thought over a very long period of time. So how do we teach the next generation? How should they view the world, the same old news of the day? What opinions need to be extinguished? What new ones need to be adopted? Then the action comes naturally and without resistance. Certainly I was raised to be polite to everyone, to not litter, to exercise...just ideas about living better in the world, ideas that didn't always exist but now are considered the norm in modern society...or almost. Sidebar: I'm really shocked at the fact that I still witness people littering, it's such a basic idea to put trash in a trash can. How hard is that? I'm not even talking about recycling, but simply getting that non-biodegradable Cheese-it wrapper into a proper receptacle. I've seen people drop these things right in plain sight over and again where I live. If we teach the children anything, let's keep teaching them to not do that. Anyway, I'm wondering how long it will be until we don't get so worked up over the news, when we learn to react with patience, wisdom and appropriate action instead of momentary passionate spouting of opinion. When will stop churning up more of the same things. I'm curious about our new ideas, our new directions and lessons.

Salvation Mountain

The idea hit me the other day. I had been planning a trip to southern California for some time and I started thinking about what I'd really like to do while I was there. The classics, Disneyland, Sea World, Hollywood, Sunset Strip, etc. held little interest for me at this point in my life. I did however realize that I wasn't going to be terribly far from Salvation Mountain, a place that I'd heard about before and read about in 'Into the Wild'. So I planned a side trip out to the desert. I headed east out the lovely beach town in the heart of the OC and made my way out on I-10 toward the Salton Sea. Not 2 and a half hours from Los Angeles lies Niland, CA, a small desert town on a small two lane highway to nowhere. Just off that road, towards the mountains a few miles you will find an interesting place and an interesting person. I often speak about how noticeably friendlier people are in the west vs. the east. Leonard Knight, the creator of Salvation Mountain, is a shinning example of that genuine attitude and truly a person who is filled with love. I arrived and after spending a good while exploring his creation along with a number of other tourists, I trotted off into the desert to check out the art on the nearby abandoned Air Force water tanks. They have since become canvasses for resident artists of the nearby Slab City, a campsite for all sorts of transients, travellers and the like. I made my way back to the mountain, and noticed everyone had left, but as I walked around the far southern part of the area I stumbled upon the man himself. He greeted me joyfully and immediately began to show me around. He was excited to show me exactly how he built everything and share his story. He is definitely the genuine article and I couldn't help but feel like the experience helped me to find some faith in people again. I left feeling better than I expected and I was certain glad to have made the trip. So I say, go see Leonard, he's there right now working on his project and excited to share it with you.

Depression, love addiction and breaking through

Wounds. The emotional ones are the hardest to understand. We can't just look at the injury, test the progress and declare it healed. Like waves, the emotions come and go, rise and fall, ease and surge again. Depression has been a part of my life, like so many others, and it's a tough road when it's at it's worst. I know. I know. But I've beat it before and I am beating it again. It takes time to pull out of and more importantly, it takes an acknowledgement of its existence. It's a real affliction, but it's not impossible to overcome it...and you don't need a psychologist or drugs to do it. I'm not going to claim that those methods don't work, but I am certainly a proponent of helping yourself, building your own foundation, and finding your own path and balance. It's like the old saying, "If you want something done right, do it yourself". I find being creative in any manner is such a healthy way for me to start the process of recovery, but moving to more rational means and purpose driven, positive thought is also absolutely necessary. By facing the truth of what it is that has troubled me enough to cause this long lasting depressive cycle, I am able to talk about it, make it less of a haunting secet trouble and more of a story and a lesson from my past. For me, there were a number of factors that brought me here. Some of which I am completely responsible for and other factors were completely beyond my control. I had a number of love relationships fail in a row, all of which influenced my mental state intensely, until I finally could not take another dramatic episode and withdrew from the idea of being with anyone until I had a grip on my emotions. I saw my business, my life's work and dream fail and lost my closest friendships. Nearly everyone who was in my life 3 years ago is no longer, save my family and one or two very close friends. I no longer had a dream, a future I cared about or a point to being around except to be a good father to my son. Soon, anything that went wrong in my life came with the weight of everything that had gone wrong, no matter how big or small. That's a lot to handle when small troubles feel like a ton of bricks landing on you, and small troubles come often in every one's life so I had to start learning to react appropriately and proportionately to the events in my life and not look at them as an ever-growing mountain of pain, but one small challenge at a time, each to be dealt with and to be moved past. Of course that combines with the inability to get excited or feel any joy over anything at all. The funniest thing is that one day I found myself laughing at something and realized I hadn't felt that in many months...simple, real laughter. Cracks in the wall. Some daylight. And the wall continues to fall. Oh, how I am excited about seeing it fall completely! Belief in a brighter future is lapping at my shore. It takes effort, but I know I can get there. Opening up. Trusting in people again. Knowing that healthy relationships do exist and that I can be a part of one and I am ready for it. I continue to learn about myself, to define myself but I am fresh and untested at this new plateau. Waves, growing stronger with each passing day. It's a long long road and I am walking hard and fast into better days.

The habit of denial

How we lie. How we lie to ourselves. Protection. Survival. And not from malice, not from a will to do ourselves wrong. At the very least we have a primal ability to ease the daggers of our worst mental pain. Easy denial in so many forms. Then like a shrinking scab, if the wound is not too deep and terrible, we can pick it away and face the truth and find that we are healed as well. We may have to own up to our part in how we hurt another, we may have to accept that the worst has happened and we must go on and be whole again. As we mature, we learn to see into ourselves better and better but we are never able to keep this natural instinct from occurring, it happens unconsciously and our best hope is that we improve at climbing back out of our safety pitfall. It's not unlike a blackout around a tragic physical accident, the brain keeps us from having to suffer the sharp edge of the incident. Our hearts get broken, our hope gets crushed, fate steers our lives into the ditch, evil people take our innocence and drive us down, circumstance keeps us at bay from our wildest dreams, loved ones are taken from us without warning. It's sad, but it's real and it happens to all of us. If we didn't have our denial, surely the suicide rate would be much higher. Our quality is shown when we climb back. It's in our struggle back to reality that we define ourselves, our character, our strength, our values. Yes, we must climb back! We must stand again! Have you not seen those poor souls that cannot find their way again? Turned and twisted in such strange ways. Scratching and clawing to change reality to suit there needs. Perpetual denial. Pride. Pride vs. truth. The truth will always win, and it should, and it's good. Be thankful for the truth. It is where the future lies, where hope is born, where you are walking in the sun. Surely we are growing, let the truth be your fuel, your food source, when you are ready it will always bring you in, support you and take you to your next adventure.

Conviction

The word is conviction. Belief and faith in yourself, in your view, your attitude. Trust in the lessons you've learned. Knowing that you are resolved and you stand tall and firm upon your foundation. The ego must be kept in check, a careful balance must be obtained and consistent vigilance must be maintained upon it's violent need to explode. A life engaged is not unlike a jet engine, propelled by the fuel of conviction, belief and faith. The flow must be controlled, balanced and directed, otherwise the combination is most dangerous and can cause much damage. Western philosophy says one should learn to focus this force within us to accomplish great goals and explore the finite details of any given subject. The Eastern philosophy is just the opposite, where one is encouraged to extinguish the fire, to let go of the flame and embrace the concept of being a part of an infinitely large existence. I think there are things to support, to believe in, to have conviction about, but they must be so very carefully embraced in order to keep from losing sight of their importance, significance, and relevance. Subjects like human rights, war, famine, and environmental concerns demand us to stand and be counted with one side or another. Most of us are relatively passive in support of or against such things, but we do so little in response beyond taking on an attitude. How can we have pride without action? How can that pride be kept in check? How can we move on an issue and be actively working toward positive change without letting that movement get out of hand and become dangerous and destructive in some other unexpected way? We can trust in love. We can ask ourselves if our conviction is in line with love and that which love would propagate. If the answer is "yes" then we must move! We must act! We must do something if we have the means. We must keep our eyes open to the big picture of our lives and our place in the world and be decisive and vigilant about our actions. If the answer is "no", then we must let it go and forget the attachment. Here is this chance, the opportunity to show our quality. Let us be of the highest quality and strongest conviction when we are tested. Let us know when to let go of those motivations that are not in line with love. Let us hone our judgement to know the difference. In all things, love should be our guide.

Anger

I am angry today. I feel myself wanting to lash out at anyone. I can't stand that I swallow it and smile when I have to interact with someone. It makes me feel like a liar. I'm stressed. It seems nothing is going quite right. It's a beautiful day and I have no one to share it with, no one to talk to about this frustration. I'm low on food, money and time. I feel the mountain of pointlessness wanting to crash down upon my sunny field. Over and again my hope is squashed. No amount of optimism, or positive thought is making a dent today. I feel like I'm giving into the idea of getting pissed off. I am angry. I am confused. I don't know what else to feel, there's no reason to feel anything else. Time is wasted, some people have treated me terribly, circumstance ruins my financial plans, my plan to enjoy the summer is a wash. I'll be working it all away just keeping up with the bills. I feel its vibration in my head, shaking me to pieces, fueling uncontrollable rage. I want to shout, to break something, to cause damage. I want to wield this emotion into a brick wall and watch it break and be crushed to dust under my strength and vengeance. I don't know where to hit, how to express this. I want to yell and scream at those who have hurt me. I want them to know how much pain I have had to endure as a result of their actions. I want them to feel this pain, so they will know, so that I don't have to bear it alone. I want to open the seal on this capped intensity and let it loose upon the world. I want to tear down the beauty built at the expense of my broken heart and soul. I want to see it destroyed and completely obliterated at my feet. I am angry. I am tired of taking punches with a grain of salt. I am tired of it. Fairness is a joke, it's the virtue of the selfish, while they take and take in their self-righteous version of a equality. I want what's fair. Fair for me. I want to be selfish. I give and give and give away my love to others and it is treated like a whore. Those who don't honor love disgust me. I am disgusted with you. I will move on from you swine, you blind and awful people. Get away from me. I only want to be around those who understand the idea of self-sacrifice. They are the only people to be with, where I feel right about giving myself away, and I want to rise up and be the best person that I can be. I want to be sustained. I want to love and to be loved. I don't want to be angry anymore. I know I can be better than that.

Been there, done that

More strange days. So odd. I am finding new people to be around and new things to try. I'm finding that while some of these experiences are new, others are so very similar to places, people and times I've already experienced, sometimes so long ago that I had forgotten about them entirely. It's not my "been there, done that" attitude this time. This is genuine, "Holy shit, how can this be happening again?!". But I am new, my point of view is different, so everything feels a like I'm getting second chance at many situations. I like to think I've grown some and am avoiding mistakes of my past this time around. I seriously have felt like I am going to see myself walk into these places, the old me and I know I'm going to be powerless to educate him or share some wisdom with him, warn him, talk some sense into him, but I want to. What a life. And I am thankful. Thankful for this life and its coincidences, its reality and its magic, for these struggles and triumphs. It's time for me to retake the castle, as it were. I do hope I am wiser than before and make better decisions this time around. That I am honest, hard-working, and worthy of the blessings of my future.

Stillness

One of the greatest gifts shown to me, is the quality of stillness. A virtue that I never considered or engaged in. Someone I care a great deal about, unconsciously set an example of this one day, a moment that continues to stir something in me. I am very thankful for the lesson. There is great wisdom in the act of stillness. In quiet. In clearing the mind and accepting your part in moment around you. What becomes of this is up to you. In me, I find I suddenly am comfortable with the place I find myself, emotionally, physically. I am exactly where I need to be. When I do begin to consider anything, it's usually a question of "What am I?" or "How is it that I am here?". With the answer leaving like a dream that you can't hold on to, an expression comes over me, "I am so lucky to be here experiencing life," and "There's no time to waste!". But there is time to be still, that time is not wasted at all, in fact it holds some of the most potent beauty and contentment that I know of.

I must be getting thick skinned

Again I suffer ill treatment and disappointment at the hands of others, but I feel nothing. I'm not angry or terribly upset. At best, I'm a bit confused over the actions of some people. Neither am I overly joyous or happy, just blank today and in need of a miracle to snap me out of it. I ran far this weekend and did it with no trouble, in fact, I ran further and faster than I ever have. Maybe that helped me level out my emotions. Single life is so much of a roller coaster, it's intensity must be dealt with in a firm manner. I must be getting better at letting the water roll off my back, because I am surprised at my lack of sadness over watching another romantic opportunity turn bazaar, complex and, for the moment, completely fruitless. Still, it was good to be in the company of new people and I recognize the value in it. Another continues to show me complete disregard while endlessly stroking her own ego and pining for acknowledgement of superficial achievements. I smile and nod a bit begrudgingly, but ultimately I am looking forward to being free from that situation in the near future. Maybe I'm just comfortable with my own actions and I feel justified in my well contained reaction to both situations. Vindication is a selfless and silent pride. At least I know where I stand and I know that I am being an upright, mature and caring person.

Why everyone else is an idiot

Here's my blanket philosophy on the days when I'm certain I don't give a shit: Everyone else is an idiot. You don't say what you mean. You won't do what you want to. You're a fake, plastic version of yourself that's hiding just behind the door, trying to be sure it's safe to be yourself, which of course you are convinced that it is NOT. You put others down instead of sharing the beauty that you hoard. You refuse to explore this world, new ideas, new people and cultures. Your fear makes you a terrible person to know, to be influenced by, to be around. Your walls are so high that you have no idea what type of person you are projecting on the outside. You probably wouldn't even like yourself if you met you on the street or in a bar, because you'd see the falseness of your persona. You line up to be counted with the masses and shut down your mind. It's ridiculous how many times you regurgitate an attitude that somebody else imprinted upon you and you never bothered to test it. You blame the past and the actions of others for your present actions and approach. You let them have the control and take no responsibility. You are not accountable. You don't venture anything new. You don't really believe anything and you won't really put yourself fully into anything. It's terrible. You could be so much more. So much more. You waste this beautiful potential and piss on your opportunity to be a wonderful spirit. Everyday the door is open and ready for you to rise above, but you let fear and pain rule your life. It's sad. The truth is written upon your face. I see you. I see right through you. Show me that you can be more. Show me that there's a surprise, a backbone, a life in full swing. Who among you can do this? Please show me. Who can be honest with themselves? Who can be truly free? Who can ignore themselves? Who can love? Help me to be this.

Don't I know it

I must say, I'm feeling pretty positive today in general. It's nice to know where I am, what I'm working on and where I'd like to go. It might be due to the fact that I see a few of my friends suddenly in a place where they have to start over. Some are moving, some are finishing school, some are starting new jobs, some are just coming to terms with some twist in their life. One season is done and another begins. It's like I'm sure I can relate and it makes me feel less alone in the big "reset". I wish them all well and hope they fly high in there new lives, but there is a coming struggle for them, albeit necessary. I feel like I am a day ahead of that change and it reassures me to know that I am truly moving forward and looking forward to the future, but I also have a sense of empathy that makes me want to offer comfort to anyone that begins to feel the loss of belonging. In any case, summer is pretty much here, so it's time to enjoy this weather and let the troubles roll by.

Hard to breath

It came acute and deep today. Somehow I can't help but feel sorry for myself. Then I am paralyzed. I didn't invite anything in, but it came just the same and knocked the wind out of my sails so suddenly. These emotional dips are only coming by once in a while lately. Days apart. I recognize them attacking and I bounce back quickly now. I am stronger, but human as well. Just breath and move on. Self-pity will get me nowhere, nowhere I want to travel, nothing I want to feel, no time I want to share, nothing I am looking for. I am tired of it. I am tired of letting myself be brought down by circumstances that are beyond my control. I want to turn the whole thing upside down. I want to share this love I find with everyone. Who's to say what's impossible?

The long run

One foot in front of the other. That's the idea. Sometimes we're not even aware of the strides we're making, distracted by the moment's glory. Other times, moving forward takes every last bit of resolve and concentration. When it's so very hard to find inspiration and that darkness falls, you must remember that you do not know what is around the bend, you don't know what the future holds. Take those steps, when there's nothing to live for, keep moving, keep going, you can do it! Your fate can return to your hands with time and you will learn how to build a stronger and wiser foundation through these trials. Surely we are growing, only through being tested, being broken down and rebuilding ourselves. Choose how you will be rebuilt. Yes, these hardships shall pass, even if you are stripped down to nothing but the ability to breath. Just breath. Just breath. Be patient. Find a better way to be, see what it is in your life that brings you up, what brings you down and work eliminate the latter and accentuate the positive. Find the higher qualities to aspire toward and then let time pass, be at ease. The long run will break us down, but it will also build us up stronger than before. Embrace the cycle and be at one with it. Each time we fall, we also learn and grow. Accept the fall and rise up again, dust yourself off and keep going. You can do it!

I used to play video games

I did. I used to play them all the time. I loved moving through the plots or mastering some skill and discovering the next level. Hell, I grew up on them. Then one day *poof* I just didn't want to play them anymore. I guess I was about 24 or 25 when that happened. I looked at my life and decided I was putting all this time into something that left me unfullfilled and I could really benefit from using that time in some other way. In some ways I sort miss that shallow determination to conquer combined with a nice waste of time just having fun and forgetting that life is so serious for a few hours. Nowadays I get sort of pissed off when I hear people talking nonstop around the office about the latest edition whatever the latest craze is. I find my joy in other activities and I do realize that everyone has there own way of having fun so I try not to let that overspilling of enthusiasm bother me to any large degree. I guess I'm just human in reacting the way I currently do. I grow past the games and find a different way to be, then I am in turn a bit annoyed at those who are in that place that I was so long ago. Maybe I should just play some video games and have some fun. Lighten up already. I gave them up because of how they quickly become an obsession, an addiction that's difficult to break. I like to take things to the Nth degree, it's my nature and even these games were no exception. I have to be careful with what I get involved with because it will consume my life. I hope that I can continue to use my nature for bringing about good things, less selfish things. And I must learn balance, so that I might have some good old fun too. We're all a work in progress.

Gotta wonder

I'm constantly reading news articles on-line or getting lost learning something on Wikipedia. It seems that part of my day is spent wasting away in front of a computer and I feel I better spend part of that day improving my knowledge base if I'm not doing anything else productive. And since I'm convinced that the way I live my life is probably not unlike a majority of people in the cubicle workforce, I'm wondering if we really are improving as humans. Are we getting smarter, wiser, better than a generation before. If yes, then in what ways? If no, then by God why don't we put a stop to it? Once you reach the point in your self-education where facts are no longer being gathered, but instead, opinion over the impact of certain facts becomes the impetus for growth then we are left with very little to base our own opinions upon and we get stuck in a seemingly pointless debate over...well...nothing but speculation. In other words, if everyone is fully aware of the facts of any given situation, why do we spend so much time discussing and debating its impact? Does anyone really plan to make a change in there life over any news stories they read or discovery about the world around them? Maybe so. I guess I'm talking about culture change, which takes a very long time to culminate into a visible difference. Nevertheless, these things happen. I've seen them change in my own lifetime. From ecological concerns, to human rights, to views on business and religion. In our teaching to the next generation, some of those opinions start to become facts. By gathering a number of varied opinions, I also find that both sides of an issue are often defensible. This is the split. This is where you reach your very own ethical dilemma where personal values win the day, if you have any. And where did those values come from? They come from the generation you were born into. If you or I had been born 100 years ago, our values would be completely different and we'd feel just as justified about our particular stance. So that begs the question, are the values of our generation the "right" ones, or even the "best" so far? What sociological atrocity are we committing unknowingly right now in the name of ignorance? Surely history will tell. This all just turns into a landslide where ethics have no ground to stand upon unless you have something concrete to base your values in. And guess what, you are ultimately responsible for creating your own solid foundation, otherwise you will continue to point to fallible authorities for your reference and find them faltering when they are truly tested. All this information, all these opinions should be taken with a grain of salt. Study it, know it, understand it, but form your own opinion and back it by getting involved or keep it to yourself and don't foul the waters with your uninformed attitude. And most importantly, log off, turn off the computer, the video games, the ipod, the TV, the camera, the Tivo, the Blu-ray, the cell phone and just go out into the world and be a part of it instead of hiding behind technology for your experience. Real, corporeal, human, flesh & blood experience is waiting for you right out there. There's no need to lose yourself in technology, the real world is truly a far more amazing place. There is a happy ending, you can choose a positive point of view, you have the right to be forward moving and full of joy in simply using these tools but not depending on them.